10 WAYS THAT VIDEO GAMES MAKE US VULNERABLE TO SWAN/SWAN ATTACKS

Video games are dangerous. We all know that by now.

There can be few gamers who can say they've never launched a fireball at someone, or twisted themselves inside out from a seizure, or become gripped with thoughts and impulses of a deviant nature.

But what are the main reasons that video games are dangerous? How are they dangerous? How are they bad?  What should we be aware of? Digitiser2000 attempts to answer the questions. What questions? These ones.

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10. VIDEO GAMES LEAVE YOU VULNERABLE TO THE FOLLOWING: SWAN/SWAN ATTACKS

Games are more immersive than ever. With the new dawn of VR technology, and more and more complex virtual worlds, gamers are becoming ever more vulnerable. It would take next to nothing for some swan to sneak up upon a person - potentially entering their house via a catflap or letterbox - while they're playing Far Cry Primal... and bite them in the side of the eyelid/elbow/pipik.

When playing a game, always remember the following rhyme: "Nip-nip-chon... The beast you must fear he is called the swan/Nip-nip-snap... swan he is a bite-y chap".

9. VIDEO GAMES CONTAIN LITTLE INFORMATION ABOUT PROTECTING YOU FROM THIS: SWAN/SWAN ATTACKS

Some criticise video games for their lack of social conscience, that they are nothing more than mindless entertainment. Rarely is this more apparent than in their sheer lack of information regarding how best to protect oneself in the event of swan dropping on you from the rafters of a car showroom. 

When visiting a car showroom, always remember the following rhyme: "Nip-nip-peeling... Keep your eyes upon that ceiling/Nip-nip-thigh... here in this room the swan is on high."

8. CURRENT LAWS CONCERNING VIDEO GAMES LACK SPECIFICITY REGARDING SWAN/SWAN ATTACKS

Government rules on the sale and manufacture of video games currently make no mention of swan, and this is the same the world over. Indeed, the games industry's own informal guidelines similarly make no mention of whether it supports or condemns the attacking of players by swan. It's about time something was done about this absurd oversight.

7. VIDEO GAMES POTENTIALLY PROMOTE AMBIVALENCE TOWARDS SWAN/RISK OF BEING ATTACKED BY SWAN

Without more games concerning themselves with the very real threat of being attacked by swan, most players are remaining - at best - ambivalent about the issue. If more games were to raise awareness of swan attack, players would be better equipped to deal with them - arming themselves with whips, bludgeons and boxing gloves.

When being attacked by swan, always remember the following rhyme: "Nip-nip-ristance... When attacked by swan do keep your distance/Nip-nip-wrecky... the swan is most vulnerable in its necky."

6. VIDEO GAME HARDWARE CONTAINS NO SAFETY FEATURES THAT COULD DEFEND USER AGAINST SWAN AND THIS: THEIR (SWAN) ATTACKS

Short of using a console as a sort of bludgeon, there are no in-built features in any of the main consoles that could potentially protect a player from a sudden and unprovoked attack by swan. Would it really be too much to ask for some sort of automatic swan-repellent spray/acid that activates if swan get within a certain proximity? 

5. SWAN POTENTIALLY ATTRACTED TO BRIGHTLY-COLOURED VIDEO GAME GRAPHICS, COULD DO THE FOLLOWING: ATTACK

There is a troubling lack of data regarding whether swan are attracted to modern video game graphics and/or sound. Until this oversight has been addressed, we could potentially all be playing games, utterly unaware of the approach of as many of ten or more swan. Groups of ten or more swan have been known to merge into a sort of collected "mega-swan" - a swan with six heads and nine razor-sharp breasts.

4. VIOLENT GAMES COULD INSPIRE GAMER TO ATTACK SWAN. LATER: REGRET

Though studies continue to disagree regarding the nature of violent video games, and whether they encourage violent behaviour in players... very little research has been undertaken into whether video games could inspire players to attack swan pre-emptively. If so, there can be little doubt that the player would swiftly regret his or her actions, as the swan rear up and use their heads and necks as a type of feathered flail.

When thinking of fighting swan, always remember the following rhyme: "Nip-nip-braaak... You think it's swan you wish to attack/Nip-nip-pilladvised... that action you seek it is quite ill-advised."

3. TENDONITIS FROM REPETITIVE STRAIN COULD MAKE IT DIFFICULT TO DEFEND SELF IN EVENT OF THIS EVENT: SWAN ATTACK

Having a painful wrist/fingers - due to wear and tear from excessive video game use - would make it difficult to protect oneself in the event of mass swan attack. Kicking and biting will only get you so far should you ever find yourself trapped in a warehouse surrounded by several hundred swan with only one thing in their collective mind: the death of you, and others of your ilk.

2. LEAVING HOUSE TO BUY NEW GAME = INCREASED POTENTIAL FOR SWAN ATTACK

It's a fact that few swan attacks happen in your home, or the homes of other people (apart from the homes of swan owners). Leaving the house to purchase the latest video game release can only therefore increase the risk of swan erupting at you from a bush, flapping their mighty wings in your face, grabbing your nose... and pulling so hard that your face comes off in their beaks.

1. SEDENTARY LIFESTYLE DUE TO GAMING ADDICTION COULD LEAD TO THE FOLLOWING: INABILITY TO FLEE SWAN IN EVENT OF THIS: SWAN ATTACK

Staying fit is vital if one is to be able to defend against swan. Video games require a player to remain seated for long hours at a stretch, which has a negative impact on health, bellies, joints.

When fleeing swan, always remember the following rhyme: "Nip-nip-trop.. Keep on running and don't you stop/Nip-nip-rescaped... repeat this step 'till fully escaped."

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
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