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10 VINTAGE COMPUTER ADS

24/7/2015

5 Comments

 
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Of course, these days, marketing is all viral. If you want your product to sell you just bribe some fresh-faced narcissist on YouTube - too young to know better - to plug your product to their 15 million+ subscribers (who are similarly too young/stupid to understand what's happening) and you're away.

Not so long ago, the world was different. Products had to rely on things called "adverts" for promotion. Here are ten of these so-called "adverts" from a more innocent and less self-absorbed age, when computers were strictly the domain of proper nerds. 

10. COMMODORE AMIGA
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Happy birthday to the Amiga - it's 30 years this week since Commodore released the Amiga 1000. The Amiga was something of a phenomenon among a certain generation, but - regrettably - it wasn't all that long after the Amiga's launch that Commodore fell apart like a Copydexed hovercraft. At least some small part of the blame could be laid at the feet of the above ad, which attempted to sell the system off the back of an impenetrable slogan - "Re-experience the mind unbounded" - and an image that conjurs memories of the grotesque abominations in John Carpenter's seminal 80s horror movie, The Thing.
9. PENRIL MODEM
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We're not sure about you, but we can't imagine ever finding a modem sexy, even if said modem is a "Penril" modem. They missed a trick by failing to use the phrase "Buy another modem at your 'Penril'".
8. DESIGNWARE
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"It's got real good graphics," says 'Numbers' Gans of Mathmaze, demonstrating why he isn't nicknamed 'Spoken English' Gans. Here's Gans posing with his favourite number - a number 4. Which, by coincidence, is also something he's just done in the lavatory.
7. ELECTRONIC MAIL
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What the heck is Electronic Mail? If we are to believe Honeywell, Electronic Mail is a terrifying and mischievous, fizzing, faerie sprite that'll make your eyes bulge out of your head like you've got a thyroid disorder.
6. CHALK BOARD
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We appreciate that computer art software was in its infancy back then, but - judging from the infantile scrawl on his monitor - not even Leonardo da Vinci could use it to produce a masterpiece.
5. COMMODRE 64
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FATHER: "Listen to your mother, children."

MOTHER: "Children, I am going to crush your skulls between my hands."

CHILDREN: "Yaaay! Heaven!"
4. ACE 1200
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If there's one thing Benjamin Franklin was known for, it was his love of "hoagies". Nothing could put a smile on the face of the renowned polymath like a brown paper bag full of "hoagie" subs - not even flying a kite during a thunderstorm. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, Franklin would wolf down "hoagies". "Hoagie" after "hoagie" would be obsessive-compulsively shovelled into his mouth, as he laughed and snorted, often almost choking himself to death, as drool and snot ran down his chin. But on he chewed... on and on and on...
3. APPLE
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When you look at Apple today, with their none-more-cool, razor-sharp marketing, it's difficult to imagine that it wasn't always so slick. Back in the day, the company was content to advertise its products like this: by showing a middle-aged computer store manager restraining a young boy firmly by the shoulders, as the boy's parents shop nearby, utterly oblivious to the unfurling subtext of this distressing scenario.
2. ODYSSEY 2
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Let's be honest... nobody who bought the Odyssey 2 speech module programmed it to say "Geewizbang". 
1. TEXAS INSTRUMENTS
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Only with hindsight is Texas Instruments' choice of celebrity endorsement consider to be somewhat awkward. We wonder if America's Dad has just used his TI Home Computer to fill out a quaalude prescription...

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
  • 10 VINTAGE VIDEO GAME BOARD GAMES - from MB GAMES
  • 15 HORRIBLE RETRO GAME ADS
  • 10 MORE HORRIBLE GAMES ADS
5 Comments
Matt link
24/7/2015 06:49:31 am

I miss the good old days, back when I was but an aspiring proto-neckbeard, where computers were new, exciting, and able to blow my prepubescent mind with things like Pinball Fantasies and badly rendered drawings of nude ladies. It does seem like something's been lost by it all going "mainstream".. whether that's good or bad, I leave for you to decide for yourselves.

Reply
Chris link
24/7/2015 06:57:08 am

This article needs a mention of the famous QL advert: www.youtube.com/watch?v=AO5BUIKykMM

Also, to be fair to Honeywell, do we really expect heating and security experts to know how email works? They probably genuinely believe it's witchcraft or fairies.

Reply
Matt J
24/7/2015 03:57:20 pm

Ha, fun-me-do. Love these top 10 lists. It must take you so long to find some of these obscure adverts. Keep them coming!

Reply
JazzyWif
25/7/2015 04:05:26 am

That Apple advert is creepy and hilarious in equal measure!

Reply
Kelvin Green link
25/7/2015 11:25:51 am

I imagine that "Numbers" Gans has grown up to be a <i>Batman</i> style villain, terrifying society with his group of number-themed thugs, while lamenting his lost potential as a digital artist.

Reply



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