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10 VIDEO GAME TOILETS

29/6/2015

17 Comments

 
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We all do it, and yet there is no social shame quite so acute as others knowing you've just done - or will soon need to do - a poo. 

There's a stage in every relationship - let's call it Poo Stage One - where couples finally admit to one another that, yes, they're just like everyone else, and they do indeed have regular bowel movements. 

There are several further stages - such as Stage 2: discussing the frequency and consistency of those movements, and Stage 4: Being able to do a poo in a hotel toilet while your partner lays on the bed in the adjoining room - before reaching the final stage: deliberately emitting constant diarrhoea in front of one another, while shrieking and banging a wooden spoon on a saucepan. 

Fortunately, video games rarely attempt to pretend that 'parking your dinner' isn't a constant of everyday life, and can help with the rehabilitation of the poo-shy ("Poo-shy-shy, Hush hush your brown-eye"). Here is a celebration of ten of the most notable video game toilets, should you need reassurance that you are not alone...

10. DUKE NUKEM 3D (PC)
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One of the first ever examples of a flushing video game toilet - and certainly the first such example in a first-person shooter - Duke Nukem 3D was the game that let us know that toilets were a common item, and not just something our parents had installed in our house growing up, because there was something very wrong with our bodies.
9. GOLDENEYE (N64)
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One of the first things you do in Goldeneye is descend from an air vent into a toilet cubicle - before slaughtering the guard in the neighbouring trap. Suffice to say, we've not made a 'mud-baby' since 1997, for fear of being assaulted by a fairly handsome spy.
8. BANJO-KAZOOIE (N64)
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Here's Rare, with Loggo - a sentient, talking toilet from Banjo-Kazooie. It's worth considering that logo's mouth comprises of the toilet seat and bowl. Think about that for a moment. Think what it's like to be Loggo... Suddenly life doesn't seem so bad.
7. SAINTS ROW THE THIRD (Various)
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In the last couple of Saints Row games it was possible to unlock a costume that let you "be" a toilet, if that's your sort of thing. And if it is, then we're sure there are special parties that cater for you and your ilk.
6. DEAD SPACE 2 (Various)
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Look at all that blood. We hope whomever made the mess in this toilet went to see his or her doctor shortly afterwards. Not just to have the rectal bleeding investigated, but for whichever degenerative spine disorder resulted in them being able to get those handprints on the floor.
5. DEUS EX: HUMAN REVOLUTION (Various)
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It's rare to see such a well-maintained toilet cubicle in video games. Extra points for the plunger there, but somewhat disappointing that in a dark, cybernetically-enhanced future, they haven't found some other method of unblocking the bog. And we don't just mean sticking a wire coat hanger down there, or trying to break up the blockage with your fist inside a carrier bag.
4. JET SET WILLY (ZX Spectrum)
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Many gamers of a certain age no doubt enjoyed positioning Miner Willy next to the toilet in Jet Set Willy's Bathroom level, and chuckled "Ha ha - look: he's doing a wee". It was a rite of passage along with "10 Print 'BUM'/20 goto 10".
3. DAY OF THE TENTACLE (PC)
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Inspired, no doubt, by Doctor Who's TARDIS, LucasArt's seminal point-and-click adventure game sent the game's characters travelling in time via a time-travelling Portaloo. Have you ever had the misfortune to 'launch the Brown October' in a real Portaloo? It's basically the reverse of trying to eat steak on a paper plate, using plastic cutlery.
2. CONKER'S BAD FUR DAY (N64)
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It's Rare again, this time ditching the last vestiges of its subtlety and restraint to introduce an antagonist called The Great Mighty Poo - who can only be defeated by flinging rolls of toilet paper at him. Proust it is not.
1. POSTAL 2 (PC)
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Not the only unflushed toilet in video games, but certainly the most inexplicably distressed. It beggars the mind how anyone could make a mess like this: one solid umber loaf in the pan, surrounded by broken cacao chunks on the seat and floor. Basically, the sort of scene you might find in any pub lavatory cubicle.

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
  • 10 BIZARRE LICENSED VIDEO GAMES
  • 10 RIDICULOUSLY OTT VIDEO GAME COLLECTORS EDITIONS
  • 10 VIDEO GAME CONTROVERSIES
17 Comments
Simon
29/6/2015 06:44:51 am

Laughed from top to bottom of this article! Thanks for that on an otherwise boring Monday

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aceplym
29/6/2015 07:30:39 am

No mention for original Deus Ex and it having Manderley reprimand you for going into the ladies? Shame!

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Wicked Eric
29/6/2015 07:31:20 am

I have emailed my girlfriend the section of this article detailing the Poo Stages.

I'll keep everyone updated on the status of our relationship as the situation develops.

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The Man Who Is Reading This
29/6/2015 10:59:33 am

Why no mention of the Atari Jaguar CD-ROM unit?

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optimark prime
29/6/2015 01:40:33 pm

"mud-baby"

Genuine lol :)

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kelvingreen link
29/6/2015 01:58:32 pm

What about Eugene's Lair in Manic Miner?

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CrispyF
29/6/2015 02:04:22 pm

I've never liked the look of those Dead Space 2 thrones which project from the wall without any visible support. I know this is the future, and it's being played for scares, but I'd never want to use something like that.

Imagine my shock and horror when I found out that toilets like this exist in real life. Minus the viscera, obviously.

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Adam
29/6/2015 04:22:00 pm

That 'fist inside a carrier bag' reference is the sort of thing you can't make up. What had Mr Biffo been eating?

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Bozo
30/6/2015 02:35:42 am

Adam, we've all "shaken hands with Mr Brown" at some point in our lives.

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ChorltonWheelie
30/6/2015 09:55:05 am

Always admired the cool way BJ Blazcowicz inspects the bog in The New Order.
"Hmmmm, everything seems to be in order"....flushhhhhhhh.

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Matty link
30/6/2015 11:23:47 am

What about the toilets in Fallout 3? As far as I know, those are the only videogame toilets you're able to drink out of.

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Captain Peacock
30/6/2015 02:24:31 pm

"Umber Loaf" -- I'm still laughing a full eight hours later.

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Jeremy clarksons hair
1/7/2015 03:23:35 am

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Chris link
1/7/2015 05:34:58 am

In No More Heroes, you actually needed to take a dump in order to save.

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John Matthews
1/7/2015 09:38:08 am

I just googled '10 Print 'BUM'/20 goto 10' - 895,000,000 results. About. No more heroes - 108,000,000. Fist inside a carrier bag - 14,800,000. I don't know what that proves, but it makes me happy.

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Mr Biffo
2/7/2015 02:08:56 pm

Me too!

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William link
30/6/2020 11:59:28 am

For your kid, you don't need to purchase another toilet now. 2-piece toilets are more affordable than 1-piece models. Decorating your bathroom is quite personal, and you have to make certain that you pick the most suitable flushing toilet.

Reply



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