We all do it, and yet there is no social shame quite so acute as others knowing you've just done - or will soon need to do - a poo.
There's a stage in every relationship - let's call it Poo Stage One - where couples finally admit to one another that, yes, they're just like everyone else, and they do indeed have regular bowel movements.
There are several further stages - such as Stage 2: discussing the frequency and consistency of those movements, and Stage 4: Being able to do a poo in a hotel toilet while your partner lays on the bed in the adjoining room - before reaching the final stage: deliberately emitting constant diarrhoea in front of one another, while shrieking and banging a wooden spoon on a saucepan.
Fortunately, video games rarely attempt to pretend that 'parking your dinner' isn't a constant of everyday life, and can help with the rehabilitation of the poo-shy ("Poo-shy-shy, Hush hush your brown-eye"). Here is a celebration of ten of the most notable video game toilets, should you need reassurance that you are not alone...
There's a stage in every relationship - let's call it Poo Stage One - where couples finally admit to one another that, yes, they're just like everyone else, and they do indeed have regular bowel movements.
There are several further stages - such as Stage 2: discussing the frequency and consistency of those movements, and Stage 4: Being able to do a poo in a hotel toilet while your partner lays on the bed in the adjoining room - before reaching the final stage: deliberately emitting constant diarrhoea in front of one another, while shrieking and banging a wooden spoon on a saucepan.
Fortunately, video games rarely attempt to pretend that 'parking your dinner' isn't a constant of everyday life, and can help with the rehabilitation of the poo-shy ("Poo-shy-shy, Hush hush your brown-eye"). Here is a celebration of ten of the most notable video game toilets, should you need reassurance that you are not alone...
10. DUKE NUKEM 3D (PC)
One of the first ever examples of a flushing video game toilet - and certainly the first such example in a first-person shooter - Duke Nukem 3D was the game that let us know that toilets were a common item, and not just something our parents had installed in our house growing up, because there was something very wrong with our bodies.
9. GOLDENEYE (N64)
One of the first things you do in Goldeneye is descend from an air vent into a toilet cubicle - before slaughtering the guard in the neighbouring trap. Suffice to say, we've not made a 'mud-baby' since 1997, for fear of being assaulted by a fairly handsome spy.
8. BANJO-KAZOOIE (N64)
Here's Rare, with Loggo - a sentient, talking toilet from Banjo-Kazooie. It's worth considering that logo's mouth comprises of the toilet seat and bowl. Think about that for a moment. Think what it's like to be Loggo... Suddenly life doesn't seem so bad.
7. SAINTS ROW THE THIRD (Various)
In the last couple of Saints Row games it was possible to unlock a costume that let you "be" a toilet, if that's your sort of thing. And if it is, then we're sure there are special parties that cater for you and your ilk.
6. DEAD SPACE 2 (Various)
Look at all that blood. We hope whomever made the mess in this toilet went to see his or her doctor shortly afterwards. Not just to have the rectal bleeding investigated, but for whichever degenerative spine disorder resulted in them being able to get those handprints on the floor.
5. DEUS EX: HUMAN REVOLUTION (Various)
It's rare to see such a well-maintained toilet cubicle in video games. Extra points for the plunger there, but somewhat disappointing that in a dark, cybernetically-enhanced future, they haven't found some other method of unblocking the bog. And we don't just mean sticking a wire coat hanger down there, or trying to break up the blockage with your fist inside a carrier bag.
4. JET SET WILLY (ZX Spectrum)
Many gamers of a certain age no doubt enjoyed positioning Miner Willy next to the toilet in Jet Set Willy's Bathroom level, and chuckled "Ha ha - look: he's doing a wee". It was a rite of passage along with "10 Print 'BUM'/20 goto 10".
3. DAY OF THE TENTACLE (PC)
Inspired, no doubt, by Doctor Who's TARDIS, LucasArt's seminal point-and-click adventure game sent the game's characters travelling in time via a time-travelling Portaloo. Have you ever had the misfortune to 'launch the Brown October' in a real Portaloo? It's basically the reverse of trying to eat steak on a paper plate, using plastic cutlery.
2. CONKER'S BAD FUR DAY (N64)
It's Rare again, this time ditching the last vestiges of its subtlety and restraint to introduce an antagonist called The Great Mighty Poo - who can only be defeated by flinging rolls of toilet paper at him. Proust it is not.
1. POSTAL 2 (PC)
Not the only unflushed toilet in video games, but certainly the most inexplicably distressed. It beggars the mind how anyone could make a mess like this: one solid umber loaf in the pan, surrounded by broken cacao chunks on the seat and floor. Basically, the sort of scene you might find in any pub lavatory cubicle.
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