10 VIDEO GAME MOVIES YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT

Warcraft: The Beginning was released the other week, and might even still be in cinemas. We neither know nor care.

Still, it's just one of several game-inspired movies to come out this year, along with Ratchet & Clank, Angry Birds, and Assassin's Creed. By all accounts, it has disappointed at least critically (if not commercially) - much as Super Mario Bros., Doom, Mortal Kombat, Resident Evil, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, and Street Fighter disappointed before it.

Indeed, the list of video game-to-movie abominations is as long as a vestigial fat-tube hanging from a Subtle Simon. And that's a real long thing! Wibble-wobble.

Here are ten further game-o-movies that you possibly didn't even know existed - none of which we've even seen. Consequently, anything we tell you about them is, at best, guesswork.

STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI (2009)

Everybody loves street fightin' Chun-Li, the female street fighter from the street fighting game Street Fighter II. Though she'd already appeared once in a live action movie - Street Fighter - she got a street fighting movie all to herself in 2009, apparently.

Despite the lack of iconic blue dress in the above image - she's wearing "a pair of browns" - we're assuming the floater above is indeed Chun-Li. We make the following bonus assumption: she has contracted a real bad cold, which causes her to hover and rotate involuntarily in alleyways. Her boyfriend - let's call him 'John' - spends most of the film attempting to bash her to the ground with his special shovel, 'Johns-son'.

"Get down from there, Chun-Li," he shouts. "I hate all this hovering!"

"I can't stop," sighs Chun-Li. "Incidentally: I love you, John."

"Yes, yes... I love you too."

FAR CRY (2008)

Let's say that this man, we'll call him 'John'... went for a walk in the woods in his dirty black shirt. All we know about him is that he also owns a watch, a gun and a truck. He has a cut above his left eye, from trying to trim his eyebrows. He is the number one top handsome boy on the continent of Pangea.

What's he looking at? A mirror. He's practicing his sweet moves in the woods. Just like you do in the video game, Far Cry.

"I look good today," says John. "Shame about my eyebrow and dirty black shirt. I'm the number one top handsome boy on the continent of Pangea."

POSTAL (2007)

We all know Postal as a controversial mass-murder simulation. The movie, perhaps, goes in a different direction: Mini-Me, John Candy, and two other fellers - 'John' and 'Johnny' are held hostage in a bank vault by some women of a mysterious and saucy nature.

"I'm John," says John Candy, apropos nothing.

BLOODRAYNE (2005)

Not only do we fail to recall the movie of the game Bloodrayne, but we fail to even recall the game it is based on. Oh well. It happens.

Judging from the above still, it tells the story of a woman - let's call her 'Joan' - who enters the World Doner Championships. She hopes to win the prize for creating the biggest doner kebab of all time (seen to the right of the above image). Very soon she will begin to slice the kebab leg. Soon, she will have victory over all the kebab artisans on the continent of Pangea.

HITMAN (2007)

The first of the two Hitman movies is about a bald - he's called 'John' - who wants to shoot the moon, maybe. 'John' hates the moon, because it too is a bald, and reminds him of his "bonce".

"Die, oh mocking sky-ball," gargles 'John' as he takes aim with his gun. "Ha ha! I shoot you out of the ether! I shoot you, you bloody moon!"

MAX PAYNE (2008)

Gritty cop Max Payne goes under cover as a large crow-bird called "John Crowston", by dressing all in black and donning a large pair of wings. He flaps around, landing in nests, and shooting real crows. First though, he tells them jokes.

"Where do crows go to listen to trance music and eat ecstasy? Rave(n)s!"

IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE STORY (2007)

Remember Dungeon Siege? Surely you remember it don't you? The game with the dungeons and the sieges? No. No... nor do we. Presumably, this is about an army of super cool dudes - let's call them 'The Johns' - plus Jason Statham, one woman, and Ian Beale when he was a tramp (left and below).

What are they doing in the image above? Perhaps they are attending a rally for the presumptive Republican nominee for the presidency, Mr Donald Trump.

​No... wait. Two of them are black, so that can't be it.

D.O.A. - DEAD OR ALIVE (2007)

Potentialy, a movie about a sentient volleyball. Is it dead or is it alive? What defines consciousness? Is it enough to be aware and responsive to ones surroundings? The ability to feel, to perceive and experience reality in a subjective context? Does that - can that - define life?

The movie explores the notion put forward by the Austrian physicist Erwin Schrödinger: "The only possible alternative is simply to keep to the immediate experience that consciousness is a singular of which the plural is unknown; that there is only one thing and that what seems to be a plurality is merely a series of different aspects of this one thing…"

Indeed.

ALONE IN THE DARK (2005)

This is film might be about a lady called 'Johnette Jam-Head', whose head is full of delicious raspberry jam. Unfortunately, Ms Jam-Head gets into a bit of a pickle when the Lord Mayor of Pangea asks her what sort of jam she has in her head. Rather than respond in the traditional manner, she simply blows  a raspberry at the mayor!

Unbeknownst to Jammy, some kids filmed her on their phones, and uploaded the footage to YouTube! She becomes known as the rudest woman in all creation, and is sentenced to 7 months hard labour in the Marmalade Commissary.

HOUSE OF THE DEAD (2003)

Possibly a film about a man who has a map of the entire mainline British rail network tattooed on his face.

"I have the entire mainline British rail network tattooed on my face," he hisses to the woman in the picture above. "Choo choo!"

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