10 TROUBLING THINGS ABOUT SONIC THE HEDGEHOG

Sonic the Hedgehog is Sega's mascot. We all know that, in the early stages of his development, he was a rabbit, before evolving into a hedgehog called Mr Needlemouse, before his creators settled on the super-fast, blue, icon we know today.

However, was Sonic the Hedgehog really the best mascot Sega could've come up with? Unfortunately, as shall shortly be demonstrated, he doesn't really stand up to scrutiny...

HOW MANY EYES DOES HE HAVE?

Look at Sonic's face. Look at his eyes. Or, rather, look at his EYE - singular. Sonic has just one eye, comprised almost entirely by the white - or sclera. However, he clearly has two pupils, making the issue of whether Sonic is a cyclops slightly confusing.

​There is some historical medical precedent for this phenomena. Pupula duplex is a medical condition whereby a person is born with two pupils in one eye. However, actual documented evidence of this occurring is almost non-existent. A similar condition, polycoria, is where the eye has two pupillary openings in the iris.

​However, Sonic clearly has two irises, making him something of a freak of nature, and - the more you think about it - disgusting and gross.

HIS SHOES ARE NOT FIT FOR PURPOSE

Have you ever seen hedgehog feet? Little scratchy, claw-like things. And have you seen Sonic's footwear? No laces, no zips - they're huge, clomping, clog-like clown shoes, topped by what appear to be thermal socks. Are these really the best things to wear for running? Why do they not fly off once he's up to speed? Clearly this aspect of the design hasn't been given any sort of practical consideration.

WHY ARE HIS WRISTS BANDAGED?

When Sega released Sonic Boom in 2014, they introduced a very different looking Sonic. Long, slender legs, a more adult-looking body shape... a neck scarf of the type you might see a German teenager wearing on a school trip to London... and bandages around his wrists and lower legs.

Given that there is no obvious practical application for this (other than, perhaps, keeping his shoes on), we can only conclude that they are either an affectation, or concealing some sort of injury. Given their placement on his wrists, it is possible to speculate that Sonic is self-harming.

That's not a judgement, but should such behaviour really be normalised in populist entertainment?

HE SHOULD BE DEAD

According to Sega's official biography, Sonic is 16 years old when we first meet him - thus, "of legal age".

Sega also alleges that his running speed can exceed Mach 1: transonic speeds. This should, in theory, kill him. At the very least, the strain on his heart alone would be immense - not to mention that his lungs would burst. When US Air Force pilot Captain Dennis White ejected from his plane at Mach 1, having lost control during a turn, he claims that "all of the blood vessels burst in my head. My head was the size of a basketball, and my lips were the size of cucumbers."

Captain White was only exposed to Mach 1 speeds for less than a second. Anything longer, and the drag forces at the speed of sound would rip an adult human apart. The damage it would do to a teenage hedgehog can scarcely be considered. 

This is the sort of imitative behaviour Sega should not be encouraging.

SONIC IS A MOLLUSC

A hedgehog is a mammal, yet Sonic's rubbery limbs more closely resemble the sort of appendages you would find on an invertebrate, such as an octopus or squid. Sonic's arms and legs appear to have no internal bone structure or joints, suggesting that they are not so much limbs as muscle hydrostats (like the human tongue and "peenie").

This further underlines that Sonic is nothing short of a genetic aberration, and a perversion of Darwin's Law.

HE LICKS FAECES

Self-anointing is a peculiar behaviour which hedgehogs perform when introduced to unfamiliar, strong-smell substances, such as - according to a study by the Adelphi University in New York - "toad skin, tobacco, soap and faecal matter". The hedgehog will lick these substances, producing a frothy, saliva-like foam, which it then spreads across its spines - potentially to disguise its own scent.

Why should we assume Sonic would behave any differently? Why aren't we being told that Sonic licks poo, foams up, and smears the spume all over his body? Why do we never see this? Are Sega ashamed of what they hath wrought?

HE'S A BODY-SHAMER

Sonic's nemesis is one Dr Ivo Robotnik, but due to Robotnik's rotund body shape, Sonic has taken to referring to him as "Dr Eggman". According to the Huffington post, those who are overweight, or have body shapes which are in some way found unacceptable "are subject to discrimination from employers, healthcare professionals and potential romantic partners".

Studies have proven that people who are body-shamed for their size are more likely to suffer from depression, eating disorders, and may even attempt suicide. 

Should we really be holding Sonic aloft as some sort of folk hero given that he so casually refers to his enemy as an "egg"?

HE SHAVES HIS CHEST

Further evidence of Sonic's body insecurity can be found in his perfectly-hairless chest and tentacles. Given the precise nature of the depilation, we must assume that Sonic has intentionally shaved, or waxed, the hair from his chest and limbs.

This behaviour is known today as "manscaping". It is entirely cultural, rather than serving any real health benefit. As recently as the 1970s, male body hair was viewed as a sign of virility, power and attractiveness, but nowadays as many as 25% of 16 - 24 year-old British men regularly remove their body hair. You can see this changing of the cultural winds by comparing the thick, bushy chest hair of 1960s James Bond Sean Connery to that scene where a hairless Daniel Craig walks out of the sea in Casino Royale in those tight trunks, leaving audiences both shaken and stirred.

It goes through cycles; like certain Hollywood directors, the Ancient Greeks favoured young, hairless men (as can be seen in their statues), but by the 19th Century hair removal was frowned upon. The 1990s saw a rise in male grooming, and the dawn of the "Metrosexual". There is an argument that Sonic removes his hair to reduce wind resistance as he runs at speeds in excess of Mach 1, but the specific nature of Sonic's bald spots suggests grooming, no doubt for the purposes of appearing more attractive. 

Ironically, if Sonic wishes to attract a mate, he'd be better off leaving the hair alone, as its evolutionary purpose is to trap and amplify pheromones. 

Ironically, while researching a cure for human baldness, scientists discovered a gene with the potential to regrow hair, which they nicknamed - yes - Sonic The Hedgehog...

HE'S A SELFISH LOVER

A hedgehog penis resembles a reddish-pink bulb when flaccid, and like a little party "razzer" when aroused. Male hedgehogs use solidifying semen to bung up the female's chuff, ensuring that no other males will be able to fertilise their mates. Hedgehogs have also been recorded "pleasuring" themselves orally, and we can only presume that Sonic is no different. 

HIS FRIEND IS EVEN WORSE THAN HIM

More troublingly, echidnas - including Sonic's friend Knuckles, presumably - have four "heads" on their penises, which can extend to a quarter of the length of their entire body when eredct. When a male echidna has sex, one side of the penis remains inactive, leaving only two out of the four heads in use. The subsequent time he mates, the heads on the other side will be used.

Now think about that next time you're playing Sonic 3...