10 THIRD-PARTY VIDEO GAME PERIPHERALS THAT YOU PROBABLY NEVER OWNED

"I am space pilot."

When any new games console is released, the third-party peripheral manufacturers swarm around it like a flock of seagulls fighting over a ruptured bin liner.

​From various sorts of novelty controllers that nobody wants or asked for, to more esoteric and unnecessary add-ons, gaming history is littered with failed devices which attempted to make a few quid out of somebody else's good idea.

​Here are but ten of the stupidest.

HOMEWORK FIRST

Essentially a chastity belt for the NES, Homework First was nothing more than a combination lock which parents could attach to the console, as a sort of early form of parental control. As you can see, it basically just blocked the slot, preventing dirty boys from slipping their Donkey Kong inside.

Again: essentially a chastity belt to keep the NES pure and unsullied.

ARCADIA ELECTRONIC SKEET SHOOT

Admittedly, not a peripheral - more a console in its own right (so what you're saying is we're only two items into this list, and it has already gone off the rails?) - the cheap-and-cheerful Arcadia was a skeet shooting simulator, which projected targets onto the ceiling, for players to aim at using a fake shotgun.

Note: In the UK, we know "skeet shooting" as clay pigeon shooting, because in this country we call things by their proper names.

I've done clay pigeon shooting a couple of times, and concluded that it's one of those activities - along with being able to play pool, and liking football - which is regarded by some as crucial to their masculine identity. Apparently, it's really funny when a man can't shoot a little clay disc out of the air... and that's fine, so long as I can laugh at how emotionally stunted you are.

Let's face it, at least you won't be able to acknowledge how hurt you feel when I do.

THE POWER CLIP

The Power Clip probably wins the "brass" prize for the most pointless peripheral ever. Like a friction-powered toy car, you had to run it along the carpet to wind it up, then fix it to the NES pad. The two arms/hammers would then begin bashing away at the buttons while you focus on the d-pad, to give you an advantage in Track & Field-style games.

Also useful for tenderising very small steaks, or as a very ineffectual automatic hole puncher.

PEDISEDATE

In 2017, there's no way of reading sinister connotations into a device which sedates children while they play video games, but that's precisely the purpose of Pedisedate. Worn over a child's head, the nozzle pumped nitrous oxide into their mouth and nose to calm them down, and keep them distracted so that they didn't notice you amputating their legs. 

​Check out the sinister doctor in the image above. Why are they both laying on a crushed velvet bed?

"It's better for soaking up the blood while you eat their legs."

"That's a bit of a dark joke."

"I just call it as I see it."

SINGER IZEK

Demonstrating the distressing ubiquity of the Game Boy, Singer released a sewing machine designed to work with the Game Boy Color. You could choose from the 84 patterns included on the Izek cartridge or design your own, and then instruct the machine to do the hard work.

​Even more excitingly, the Singer Izek could "do buttons".

GLUCOBOY

Though they might be a bit weird in other ways, even diabetics like video games. Consequently, of all the devices on this list the Glucoboy - a blood glucose monitor, which plugs into a Nintendo DS, rewarding users with mini games and points - is the hardest to make fun of. There's literally nothing funny about diabetes. Nothing at all.

Except when you hide their insulin, and they start sweating and trembling and vomiting. LOL! Get that on camera - we're going viral!

POCKET SONAR

"Is that a sonar pinging in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?"

"Neither: it is a fresh trout, and that is how it talks."

The pocket Bonar - sorry, Sonar - attached to the Game Boy at one end, while the other was dangled into the sea or river. Passing fish would show up on the Game Boy screen - and if that wasn't boring enough, there was even a tedious fishing game included.

Dong... dong... dong... (sonar noise).

"There's a big dong coming from your pocket."

"Yes, sorry about that - there's a hole in the lining."

WII WINGS

Wii Fit Plus didn't sell as well as the Wii Fit, so few Wii owners would've played Bird's-Eye Bulls-Eye - a game requiring the player to flap their arms like a real big eejit, so that a chicken (traditionally, a flightless bird) could make it from one sea platform to the next.

Makers CTA Digital boasted that the Wii Wings "add a sensation that you will not feel mimicking a flying chicken with your hands alone."

The name of that sensation? Shame.

N-CONTROL AVENGER

Clipping onto the joypad, the medical apparatus-like Avenger allows a player to perform nine different functions simultaneously. It's difficult to think of a game which might require a player to perform nine different functions simultaneously - given that most games are designed with humans in mind, rather than nonapods - but still... nine different functions!

Also: "less hand fatigue" apparently. Does anybody really suffer from that? How many days do you have to be playing a game before your hand begins to tire of the very slight movements your fingers make on a joypad?

If that doesn't sound pointless and over-the-top enough, the device's creators at N-Control topped the Avenger with their Delta Six first-person shoot 'em up controller - the "the most realistic, immersive gun controller on the market."

Here's one:

SPEEDBOARD

A bit of moulded plastic into which you shoved your NES controller, and this - supposedly - made you play games faster. 

Alternatively, you could use it as a chopping board.

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
​WOULD YOU ADD-ON AND EVE IT? FIRST-PARTY PERIPHERALS WE NEVER REALLY WANTED
​10 GAMES YOU'D FORGOTTEN WERE A FLOP
PLEASE, FATHER, HOW DID THEY COMBAT BAD GAMES PIRACY BACK IN THE DAY?