DIGITISER
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ

10 THIRD-PARTY VIDEO GAME PERIPHERALS THAT YOU PROBABLY NEVER OWNED 

14/3/2017

19 Comments

 
Picture
"I am space pilot."
When any new games console is released, the third-party peripheral manufacturers swarm around it like a flock of seagulls fighting over a ruptured bin liner.

​From various sorts of novelty controllers that nobody wants or asked for, to more esoteric and unnecessary add-ons, gaming history is littered with failed devices which attempted to make a few quid out of somebody else's good idea.

​Here are but ten of the stupidest.
HOMEWORK FIRST
Picture
Essentially a chastity belt for the NES, Homework First was nothing more than a combination lock which parents could attach to the console, as a sort of early form of parental control. As you can see, it basically just blocked the slot, preventing dirty boys from slipping their Donkey Kong inside.

Again: essentially a chastity belt to keep the NES pure and unsullied.
ARCADIA ELECTRONIC SKEET SHOOT
Picture
Admittedly, not a peripheral - more a console in its own right (so what you're saying is we're only two items into this list, and it has already gone off the rails?) - the cheap-and-cheerful Arcadia was a skeet shooting simulator, which projected targets onto the ceiling, for players to aim at using a fake shotgun.

Note: In the UK, we know "skeet shooting" as clay pigeon shooting, because in this country we call things by their proper names.

I've done clay pigeon shooting a couple of times, and concluded that it's one of those activities - along with being able to play pool, and liking football - which is regarded by some as crucial to their masculine identity. Apparently, it's really funny when a man can't shoot a little clay disc out of the air... and that's fine, so long as I can laugh at how emotionally stunted you are.

Let's face it, at least you won't be able to acknowledge how hurt you feel when I do.
THE POWER CLIP
Picture
The Power Clip probably wins the "brass" prize for the most pointless peripheral ever. Like a friction-powered toy car, you had to run it along the carpet to wind it up, then fix it to the NES pad. The two arms/hammers would then begin bashing away at the buttons while you focus on the d-pad, to give you an advantage in Track & Field-style games.

Also useful for tenderising very small steaks, or as a very ineffectual automatic hole puncher.
PEDISEDATE
Picture
In 2017, there's no way of reading sinister connotations into a device which sedates children while they play video games, but that's precisely the purpose of Pedisedate. Worn over a child's head, the nozzle pumped nitrous oxide into their mouth and nose to calm them down, and keep them distracted so that they didn't notice you amputating their legs. 

​Check out the sinister doctor in the image above. Why are they both laying on a crushed velvet bed?

"It's better for soaking up the blood while you eat their legs."

"That's a bit of a dark joke."

"I just call it as I see it."
SINGER IZEK
Picture
Demonstrating the distressing ubiquity of the Game Boy, Singer released a sewing machine designed to work with the Game Boy Color. You could choose from the 84 patterns included on the Izek cartridge or design your own, and then instruct the machine to do the hard work.

​Even more excitingly, the Singer Izek could "do buttons".
GLUCOBOY
Picture
Though they might be a bit weird in other ways, even diabetics like video games. Consequently, of all the devices on this list the Glucoboy - a blood glucose monitor, which plugs into a Nintendo DS, rewarding users with mini games and points - is the hardest to make fun of. There's literally nothing funny about diabetes. Nothing at all.

Except when you hide their insulin, and they start sweating and trembling and vomiting. LOL! Get that on camera - we're going viral!
POCKET SONAR
Picture
"Is that a sonar pinging in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?"

"Neither: it is a fresh trout, and that is how it talks."


The pocket Bonar - sorry, Sonar - attached to the Game Boy at one end, while the other was dangled into the sea or river. Passing fish would show up on the Game Boy screen - and if that wasn't boring enough, there was even a tedious fishing game included.

Dong... dong... dong... (sonar noise).

"There's a big dong coming from your pocket."

"Yes, sorry about that - there's a hole in the lining."
WII WINGS
Picture
Wii Fit Plus didn't sell as well as the Wii Fit, so few Wii owners would've played Bird's-Eye Bulls-Eye - a game requiring the player to flap their arms like a real big eejit, so that a chicken (traditionally, a flightless bird) could make it from one sea platform to the next.

Makers CTA Digital boasted that the Wii Wings "add a sensation that you will not feel mimicking a flying chicken with your hands alone."

The name of that sensation? Shame.
N-CONTROL AVENGER
Picture
Clipping onto the joypad, the medical apparatus-like Avenger allows a player to perform nine different functions simultaneously. It's difficult to think of a game which might require a player to perform nine different functions simultaneously - given that most games are designed with humans in mind, rather than nonapods - but still... nine different functions!

Also: "less hand fatigue" apparently. Does anybody really suffer from that? How many days do you have to be playing a game before your hand begins to tire of the very slight movements your fingers make on a joypad?

If that doesn't sound pointless and over-the-top enough, the device's creators at N-Control topped the Avenger with their Delta Six first-person shoot 'em up controller - the "the most realistic, immersive gun controller on the market."

Here's one:
Picture
SPEEDBOARD
Picture
A bit of moulded plastic into which you shoved your NES controller, and this - supposedly - made you play games faster. 

Alternatively, you could use it as a chopping board.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
​WOULD YOU ADD-ON AND EVE IT? FIRST-PARTY PERIPHERALS WE NEVER REALLY WANTED
​
10 GAMES YOU'D FORGOTTEN WERE A FLOP
PLEASE, FATHER, HOW DID THEY COMBAT BAD GAMES PIRACY BACK IN THE DAY?
19 Comments
Kelvin Green link
14/3/2017 10:17:59 am

My brain can't make sense of that N-Control Avenger thing. What? Why? Whu?

Reply
Lofty from EastEnders
14/3/2017 10:31:31 am

I would very much like to have a go in Michelle's Wii Wings, if that's okay with everyone else.

Reply
William from Eastenders
14/3/2017 11:16:29 am

To date I am no wiser as to the actual function of the Speedboard. Perhaps a Digi reader can enlighten me.

(Woah-it's official Nintendo 'merch'!)

The Ncontrol Avenger looks like it would be difficult to press X, or any of the D-pad. I am having trouble picturing that thing in action too.

Can you imagine the kind of specimen that would purchase that gun controller? Christ

Reply
Andee
14/3/2017 02:51:29 pm

I wondered how having a mechanical spider mate with your game controller could enhance it so I done a google on it.

Now I know - by minute twitches of your knuckles you can press the X or O button etc. without moving your fingers off the shoulder buttons or analogue sticks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gEj3nuBOxZg

I'm now looking for a device to hold my eyes open like in A Clockwork Orange so unnecessary blinking doesn't cost me a microsecond playing "Codfield 8 - attack of the minidics"

Reply
King of Duckhenrys
14/3/2017 10:08:08 pm

Apparently, the Avenger started off life as a way for kids that couldn't use a controller because of the injury or disability. Then someone realised that console COD players could take advantage of it (basically access all buttons at the same time without moving from the control sticks)

It is probably most famous thing about it was the marketing guy's bizarre online meltdown.

Reply
Sidcup
15/3/2017 11:54:56 am

Cor, that was a fun read

Random Reviewer
18/3/2017 05:36:07 pm

Thanks for that. Certainly one of the more entertaining PR nightmares that I've had the privilege of reading about from a distance

Lorfarius
15/3/2017 11:13:47 am

On the Speedboard it's very difficult to mash buttons repeatedly when its in your hand, always best to stick it on a flat surface. With the Speedboard you could still play on the carpet in front of the TV without dragging a coffee table over.

Reply
Renford
15/3/2017 11:26:50 am

How exactly does it help, though? It's just a surface for your pad to slot into?

Andee
15/3/2017 04:06:35 pm

@Renford - I assume that if you're frantically bashing away at the buttons with both hands then the controller moves around.
Jamming it still in a plastic vice allows you to pin it down with your wrists or forearms, prehensile limb.
That's how thosebig beat'em up controllers seemed to be designed IIRC

Biscuits the character
14/3/2017 12:41:35 pm

Singer Izek wins. I was not prepared for that at all.

Also, in the 'GLUCOBOY' segment, you fairly claim nothing is funny about diabetes, other than a diabetic attack. However, I would like to point out that as well as just sounding funny, the name GLUCOBOY can also be applied to diabetics, so this product helps tackle diabetes in two ways

Reply
Cc
14/3/2017 01:09:56 pm

Penisedate. That is all.

Reply
John Veness
14/3/2017 02:08:23 pm

Nitrous oxide is good stuff. I regretted not sneaking some while my wife was in labour, but got my own chance years later when I dislocated my kneecap. Nice.

Don't do drugs, kids.

Also, chickens *can* fly...?

Reply
Andee
14/3/2017 02:54:31 pm

Surely Pocket Sonar is a masturbation euphemism? Perhaps a way of livening up a turgid fishing "expedition"?

Reply
Glory Paul
14/3/2017 03:18:32 pm

But the fish are right there...

Reply
Starbuck
14/3/2017 09:01:30 pm

First read through: another expertly crafted set of made-up Biffo creations there.

Second read through: startling realisation that they may all be real. Even the paedosedate.

Reply
John
16/3/2017 10:09:03 am

Yes, I looked it up. Should know by now - of course they're all real.

Reply
Clive peppard
14/3/2017 09:19:33 pm

I suffer hand fatigue.

Reply
colincidence link
20/3/2017 03:15:14 am

That's CLEARLY a Game Boy Advance for the GLUCOBOY!!!!

And the Game Boy used for SONAR is weirdly distorted? Is that meant to be an underwater effect?

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    This section will not be visible in live published website. Below are your current settings:


    Current Number Of Columns are = 2

    Expand Posts Area =

    Gap/Space Between Posts = 12px

    Blog Post Style = card

    Use of custom card colors instead of default colors = 1

    Blog Post Card Background Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Shadow Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Border Color = current color

    Publish the website and visit your blog page to see the results

    Picture
    Support Me on Ko-fi
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    RSS Feed Widget
    Picture

    Picture
    Tweets by @mrbiffo
    Picture
    Follow us on The Facebook

    Picture

    Archives

    December 2022
    May 2022
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    July 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014


    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ