Are you old enough to remember Computer Club? Do schools even have computer clubs now, given that modern children are handed a high-powered gaming laptop and a smartphone the second they're born, and told not to bother their parents until they're old enough to go to the pub with them?
Back in the '80s and '90s, school computer clubs were the only way most pupils had access to the sort of computers that their parents could never afford to have at home - the BBC Micro, or a nice PC for example. Well, unless those parents were posh parents. The less said about them the better.
Here are ten things that happened in every Computer Club throughout the country.
Back in the '80s and '90s, school computer clubs were the only way most pupils had access to the sort of computers that their parents could never afford to have at home - the BBC Micro, or a nice PC for example. Well, unless those parents were posh parents. The less said about them the better.
Here are ten things that happened in every Computer Club throughout the country.
THE TEACHER WOULD ASK YOU TO HACK HIS EX-WIFE
Though Computer Club existed before the internet and modems, everyone had seen the movie War Games, in which that boy hacked NATO, or something.
Often, the forlorn Computer Club Teacher (CCT) would wander from child to child asking if it was possible for them to hack his ex-wife, seemingly without really knowing what that meant.
When members of Computer Club would look blankly, or say things such as "Huuruuuuuunnhhh-ah?!?", and "You mean like in the film called War Games?", and "Specify exactly what you mean, please", teacher would simply slither off his chair without saying a word, and - with his arms motionless at his side - somehow continue sliding along the floor and out of the classroom, to the accompaniment of a sort of mournful slide whistle-type noise.
Often, the forlorn Computer Club Teacher (CCT) would wander from child to child asking if it was possible for them to hack his ex-wife, seemingly without really knowing what that meant.
When members of Computer Club would look blankly, or say things such as "Huuruuuuuunnhhh-ah?!?", and "You mean like in the film called War Games?", and "Specify exactly what you mean, please", teacher would simply slither off his chair without saying a word, and - with his arms motionless at his side - somehow continue sliding along the floor and out of the classroom, to the accompaniment of a sort of mournful slide whistle-type noise.
MAKING A SHOPPING LIST FOR BRONK'S FUNERAL
Sometimes, Teacher would storm into Computer Club, tell you all to stop what you were doing, and start planning for Bronk's Funeral. Specifically, he'd demand you be responsible for the finger buffet - insisting you add to the list items such as Pot Noodle thimbles, corn-based snacks, and "lashings of out-of-date Quattro".
SOMEBODY WOULD GET TOO SCARE!
Remember the game Granny's Garden - an educational adventure game for the BBC Micro? Do you remember the witch?
Do you remember when somebody was unexpectedly grabbed by the witch and got so scare that the skellington jumped out of their skin and started dancing around the classroom, with its teeth chattering, and then it'd start singing "Dem Bones"?
Yes. Yes you do, because it happened at least once every Computer Club.
Do you remember when somebody was unexpectedly grabbed by the witch and got so scare that the skellington jumped out of their skin and started dancing around the classroom, with its teeth chattering, and then it'd start singing "Dem Bones"?
Yes. Yes you do, because it happened at least once every Computer Club.
THE CHIPTUNE SCHOOL ORCHESTRA
Every school had an orchestra, but it wasn't until the late-1980s that schools caught up with the modern era, and formed the first computer orchestras.
With each computer processing a single note - which in itself would take upwards of an hour - it sometimes required as many as twenty computers to play a single bar of music. If any orchestra member had inputted the code incorrectly, it could ruin everything - and thus would ensue a dull and time-consuming task to find the error.
The pupil responsible would then be banished for one standard month - no more, no less - to The Well of Screams.
With each computer processing a single note - which in itself would take upwards of an hour - it sometimes required as many as twenty computers to play a single bar of music. If any orchestra member had inputted the code incorrectly, it could ruin everything - and thus would ensue a dull and time-consuming task to find the error.
The pupil responsible would then be banished for one standard month - no more, no less - to The Well of Screams.
WHAT WAS BEHIND THE BLUE DOOR?
Nobody knew what was behind The Blue Door. Oh, everyone had their theories - that was where teacher's ex-wife now lived with her new lover... it was a room full of femurs... it concealed a fold in space-time through which a thousand unspeakable horrors/swans would spill were the door ever to be opened.
Pupils would spend hours inputting the evidence into the computer, only for teacher to storm over and pull the plug before any satisfactory conclusions could be reached.
Pupils would spend hours inputting the evidence into the computer, only for teacher to storm over and pull the plug before any satisfactory conclusions could be reached.
MAKING ILLEGAL COPIES OF YOURSELF
One of the most fun things to do in Computer Club was to confound and irritate Teacher by using the available technology to make illegal copies of yourself.
The second he was out of the room, everyone would quickly tap their personal data numeric into the computers and press the big brown button marked "duplicate". When he would return, he'd have no idea who the original students were! He'd lose his temper, begin huffing and honking like a distressed goose, then start battering the semi-mindless clones with a lacrosse racquet until all were smote.
Yes, you'd get a detention or two, but it was worth it for the LOLOLs!
The second he was out of the room, everyone would quickly tap their personal data numeric into the computers and press the big brown button marked "duplicate". When he would return, he'd have no idea who the original students were! He'd lose his temper, begin huffing and honking like a distressed goose, then start battering the semi-mindless clones with a lacrosse racquet until all were smote.
Yes, you'd get a detention or two, but it was worth it for the LOLOLs!
DESTROYING VARIABLE STARS
The funnest day ever in Computer Club was the day that teacher had a nervous breakdown, and told you that it was time to use the computers to destroy variable stars.
A few lines of code was all it took to grant you the power to detonate life-giving plasma spheres many thousands of light years hence. Admittedly, the cosmic destruction would be catastrophic - but your vantage point behind a computer monitor shielded you from a comparable and appropriate level of guilt.
A few lines of code was all it took to grant you the power to detonate life-giving plasma spheres many thousands of light years hence. Admittedly, the cosmic destruction would be catastrophic - but your vantage point behind a computer monitor shielded you from a comparable and appropriate level of guilt.
TEACHER'S MANY STORIES
How many times during Computer Club were you in the middle of typing a line of code, and were interrupted by Teacher leaning over your shoulder, pointing at the screen, and saying: "That reminds me of my ex-wife. She ran off with a brave top cop called Donny Ronson... I've never been brave - even when it comes to confronting my own emotions"?
Answer: many times, usually followed by Teacher giving you a full and necessarily detailed account of how he came home from work to find the two of them dancing lewdly in the shed, while he blinked strangely, and a little hat kept appearing and disappearing on the top of his head as if by magic.
Answer: many times, usually followed by Teacher giving you a full and necessarily detailed account of how he came home from work to find the two of them dancing lewdly in the shed, while he blinked strangely, and a little hat kept appearing and disappearing on the top of his head as if by magic.
THE BAD KIDS
Normally, Computer Club was reserved for the nice children, but occasionally a bad kid or two would sneak in, even though nobody really wanted them there because they changed the dynamic, and everyone was a little bit scare of him or her, and the teacher couldn't really turn them away because, well, Computer Club was meant to be for everyone, even though we all knew it wasn't really.
Anyway, sometimes the naughty interloper would misbehave - perhaps by typing a rudey into a computer, or doing racism - and need to be punished.
Relieved that they had shown their true colours and given him the excuse he needed, Teacher would sit them in a corner to play computer chess against Korky Snapperz, The Grim Reaper. Failure would mean but one thing: INSTANT DEATH.
Anyway, sometimes the naughty interloper would misbehave - perhaps by typing a rudey into a computer, or doing racism - and need to be punished.
Relieved that they had shown their true colours and given him the excuse he needed, Teacher would sit them in a corner to play computer chess against Korky Snapperz, The Grim Reaper. Failure would mean but one thing: INSTANT DEATH.
THE COOL KIDS
Every Computer Club had a group known as the Cool Kids, who were made up of the coolest kids in Computer Club. Oh, we'd all be disparaging behind their backs, but secretly we yearned for the acceptance of The Cool Kids.
Of course, we all know now that the Cool Kids were only really cool kids because they were a bit middle class, and had nice hair that behaved, and were sufficiently repressed/insecure that they never really did anything to stand out enough to get bullied. Frankly, they were the cool kids because they were so utterly nondescript - and good for them.
Cool Kids L-R: Brock, Pippin, Lames, O'Brames and Tot.
Of course, we all know now that the Cool Kids were only really cool kids because they were a bit middle class, and had nice hair that behaved, and were sufficiently repressed/insecure that they never really did anything to stand out enough to get bullied. Frankly, they were the cool kids because they were so utterly nondescript - and good for them.
Cool Kids L-R: Brock, Pippin, Lames, O'Brames and Tot.
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