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10 THINGS EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE IN THE SONIC THE HEDGEHOG MOVIE

16/5/2018

13 Comments

 
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It's happening, everyone: the live-action Sonic The Hedgehog movie starts filming this summer, with a release date set for November 2019! 

Given that Sonic's heyday was more than 20 years ago - his legacy sullied by countless weak sequels and spin-offs and general mishandling of one of gaming's greatest characters - it's fair to say that a movie is a little overdue.

Nevertheless, there can be few Sonicheads who aren't already excited for what is certain to be a cinematic masterpiece - providing the moviemakers remember to cater to the hedgehog that is fast's still-sizeable fanbase!

Here are 10 things we all want to see in a Sonic The Hedgehog film.
WE LEARN HOW SONIC GOT HIS NAME
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There needs to be a scene early on where we witness Sonic's birth, and his parents choosing to name him "Nicholas" - after their favourite singerman, Nick "The Prick" Jonas.

We cut to years later. Sonic is at school. His best friend turns to him and says: "So, Nic - did you do your homework?". 

Tight close-up on Nicholas, rubbing his chin...

"Hmm... what did you say?"

​"I said, so, Nic - "


Suddenly, a Chaos Emerald falls from space, streaking like a comet across the sky, crashing through the roof of the school, and killing the friend instantly. An explosion of fire, skull bone fragments, and gore. 

"I will never forget your final words to me," says the hedgehog that is fast, cradling his friend's headless corpse, as the top of his spine pokes out of his neck-nub and flaps around like a sausage that's too big for its bun. Sonic kisses goodby to what's left of his friend, planting a big smacker on the tip of his vertebrae.

​"I'm going to start running from this horrible memory - and I won't ever stop! From this day forth I shall be known... as So, Nic!"
SONIC'S PARENTS ARE REVEALED TO BE OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST AND A SNOOD
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If God can make a woman pregnant using magic, who says that God's son can't make a snood give birth to a hedgehog boi that is fast? 

"I'm Jesus, and this I something I'm pretty good at!" shouts The Lord while hunched over a sofa, making aggressive love to the snood.

"What are you doing, father?" asks His son, walking in on Him.

"This is how you were made," snaps the Son of God twice, furiously.

The naked, shuffling, trouserless, Jesus suddenly advances on Sonic, huffing and grinding His teeth, as Sonic flees from the room, and slams the door behind him, tears in his eyes.
MUSICAL NUMBERS!
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Sonic is a hedgehog boi that is fast, and the soundtrack should reflect that. It needs to be peppered with musical numbers played at a speed too great for human ears to register as anything other than a cacophony of shrill bongs.
SONIC EATS SOME BORAX
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The midpoint of the movie should find Sonic climbing down into a borax mine, to satiate a previously unexplored hunger for borax.

"I don't know what this - borax - is or why I want to eat it," whispers Sonic, "But this is a thing that I am doing today."

Cue five long scenes of Sonic chowing down on that spicy mineral compound, while the word "BORAX" flashes up on screen in a way that will give even the hardiest moviegoer some of that sweet epilepsy!
SONIC USES HIS SUPER-SPEED TO WITNESS HIS OWN DEATH
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Sonic discovers that he can travel fast enough to travel through time. After reversing the flow of history to travel back and witness the first white dog poo - while performing a perverted feat - he is catapulted forwards to the final moment of his personal timeline.

​He peers through the window of a hospice, and watches his elderly self choke to death on a quoit, surrounded by the last remaining members of The Polyphonic Spree! 
SONIC RUNS AT TEN TIMES THE SPEED OF SOUND AND ALL HIS SKIN FALLS OFF AND GETS BLOWN DOWN A WELL
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This is self-explanatory.
SONIC STEALS HIS FAMOUS SHOES FROM A HOMELESS MAN
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We've all wondered how Sonic acquired his famous red sneakers. The movie should show him stealing them from a dying homeless man called Tenalady Snapperz. Sonic immediately starts laying eggs, and learns that the shoes bestow upon him the power to become gravid at will!
SONIC SAVES THE WORLD BY COMING UP WITH A WORKABLE ALTERNATIVE ECONOMIC MODEL
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With an underlying theme suggesting that humanity has yet to find a functioning social and economic model, Sonic should spend much of the movie attempting to perfect an alternative based around free speech and empathy. The movie needs to climax with Sonic presenting his proposal to the United Nations - receiving a standing ovation from the leaders of every country.

"And that is that," bellows the hedgehog that is fast, while removing his famous white gloves to reveal a pair of mangled claws.
SONIC GETS A NEW CATCHPHRASE
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Any of these will do:
  • ​"I'm dirty!"
  • "I am capable of recovery!"
  • "Buy one, get one free!"
  • "I can smell terror!"
  • "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
  • "I'm pregnant - with lust!"
  • "Ugh! Groan!"
  • "9/11: never forget!"
  • "Get ready for a Tickle Deluxe!"
BRONK'S FUNERAL
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Just like the first game in the Sonic franchise, the film should end with Sonic attending Bronk's funeral, standing in the shadows beneath a willow tree, as Bronk's casket is lowered into the ground.

"The end," barks Sonic the hedgehog boi that is fast, before winking at the audience, and licking what there is of his own neck.
13 Comments
Da53
16/5/2018 10:13:33 am

How I have missed Bronk's Funeral! He's a dead boi, that one.

Reply
Dr Peanuts
16/5/2018 10:51:47 am

If even one of these things is included, I'll LITERALLY snap the hand off the ticket guy at the cinema.

Reply
Picston Shottle
16/5/2018 01:31:40 pm

I misread the last sentence as “wanking at the audience” and it didn’t in the slightest alter the tone. It just worked.

Reply
Spiney O’Sullivan
16/5/2018 01:40:41 pm

Given the audience, a lot of them might reciprocate...

Reply
Spiney O’Sullivan
16/5/2018 01:39:54 pm

You forgot the vore scene, Biffo. Apparently that’s quite important to the fanbase now.

Anyway, here’s a list of things that us true Sonic fans really want in a Sonic movie:

A proper conclusion to the surprisingly long-lived series Sonic Underground, with at least seven musical numbers so cringey that half the audience kills themselves to get away from it. Will their mother be found? Will the prophecy come true? Only half the audience will find out!

A subplot involving a Knuckles finding out about his family tree from a DNA scientist called Ben Slenders and then getting cloned into a bunch of really great OCs (do not steal).

At all times Sonic must treat his supposed friends with the relentless and needless cruelty and disdain seen in the Fleetway comics. Actually, just make it a film remake of the Fleetway comics and scrap everything else in this list.

Sonic is voiced by Jaleel White. Robotnik is voiced using only old clips of Long John Baldry.

An absolutely terrible romantic subplot that just feels awkward and weird. Possibly with a human.

A scene where Shadow the Hedgehog does rad martial arts to fight criminals then just shoots them instead because he’s a badass so the police try to arrest him but he escapes on a motorbike while nu-metal blares.

At least 17 great new characters like Spud the Badger, Crinkles the Aardvark, Bob the Octopus, Metal Spud, and Chesty the inexplicably sexualised Mouse. Also my OC (do not steal) Darkscythe the Wolfhog (a wolfhog is distinct from a werehog as seen in Sonic Unleashed, by the way. This is IMPORTANT).

A scene where Sonic bursts through a billboard reading 72% and the debris turns into the number 100. Or at least 95. Then he flips off the camera and we all know exactly what he means by that.

Scratch and Grounder, but all done up in cool CGI so you can barely recognise them like in Transformers.

Another crossover with Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Or at least a brief visit to the Riverdale universe.

Comedy cameo from Sonic’s oldest and best rival: Crash Bandicoot.

That should about cover it for now, but I’m sure I’ll have more great ideas.

Reply
sonicshrimp
16/5/2018 04:04:29 pm

I sinferely hope chesty the inexplicably sexualised mouse makes the cut. Maybe he or she could reveal that INexplicably is, in fact, just a front and then have a 20 minute scene detailing (extravagantly) just how explicable it is.

We used to have a hedgehog come through our garden but now it doesn't: so maybe a 40 minute scene devoted to that?

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Chris
17/5/2018 12:53:31 pm

I took a hedgehog down the rescue cetre once. Never heard about it again, so I assume it died. Maybe this can be included?

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Guff
16/5/2018 04:34:54 pm

Get rid of sonic's idiot entourage and replace them with the following: Aero the Acrobat, Gex, Bubsy, Blinx, Croc, Bug, Sly Cooper and Jazz Jackrabbit. Also include a scene where they gently gyrate to hot chocolate in a jobcentre.

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NixPix
16/5/2018 04:35:46 pm

Sonic reveals the reason he always wears gloves is because he’s a body cavity searcher for HM Customs. Cut to scene of Sonic, torch clenched between his teeth, attempting to thwart Doctor Robotnic’s plans to smuggle pokeballs inside his colon. Or something.

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Trevor Cod
16/5/2018 08:24:41 pm

I once accidentally trod on a hedgehog staggering back from the pub. I'm sure something like that could be incorporated. Maybe So Nic would be paralysed, lying in a hospital bed with his big sneakers limply sticking out the end, wondering if he'll ever use them again...

Reply
S Hawke
16/5/2018 09:14:24 pm

This article reminded me of the hedgehogs getting killed in the Animals of Farthing Wood.

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CrispyFloyd
16/5/2018 10:38:49 pm

Never before, and possibly never again, have I laughed so much at the mention of Borax and the consumption thereof.

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Robobob
17/5/2018 06:28:03 am

I want him to sound Japanese for 95% of the movie apart from the times he shouts his other catchphrase "Sonic BOOM!" in the voice of Guile from Street Fighter 2.

Reply



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