It's happening, everyone: the live-action Sonic The Hedgehog movie starts filming this summer, with a release date set for November 2019!
Given that Sonic's heyday was more than 20 years ago - his legacy sullied by countless weak sequels and spin-offs and general mishandling of one of gaming's greatest characters - it's fair to say that a movie is a little overdue.
Nevertheless, there can be few Sonicheads who aren't already excited for what is certain to be a cinematic masterpiece - providing the moviemakers remember to cater to the hedgehog that is fast's still-sizeable fanbase!
Here are 10 things we all want to see in a Sonic The Hedgehog film.
Given that Sonic's heyday was more than 20 years ago - his legacy sullied by countless weak sequels and spin-offs and general mishandling of one of gaming's greatest characters - it's fair to say that a movie is a little overdue.
Nevertheless, there can be few Sonicheads who aren't already excited for what is certain to be a cinematic masterpiece - providing the moviemakers remember to cater to the hedgehog that is fast's still-sizeable fanbase!
Here are 10 things we all want to see in a Sonic The Hedgehog film.
WE LEARN HOW SONIC GOT HIS NAME
There needs to be a scene early on where we witness Sonic's birth, and his parents choosing to name him "Nicholas" - after their favourite singerman, Nick "The Prick" Jonas.
We cut to years later. Sonic is at school. His best friend turns to him and says: "So, Nic - did you do your homework?".
Tight close-up on Nicholas, rubbing his chin...
"Hmm... what did you say?"
"I said, so, Nic - "
Suddenly, a Chaos Emerald falls from space, streaking like a comet across the sky, crashing through the roof of the school, and killing the friend instantly. An explosion of fire, skull bone fragments, and gore.
"I will never forget your final words to me," says the hedgehog that is fast, cradling his friend's headless corpse, as the top of his spine pokes out of his neck-nub and flaps around like a sausage that's too big for its bun. Sonic kisses goodby to what's left of his friend, planting a big smacker on the tip of his vertebrae.
"I'm going to start running from this horrible memory - and I won't ever stop! From this day forth I shall be known... as So, Nic!"
We cut to years later. Sonic is at school. His best friend turns to him and says: "So, Nic - did you do your homework?".
Tight close-up on Nicholas, rubbing his chin...
"Hmm... what did you say?"
"I said, so, Nic - "
Suddenly, a Chaos Emerald falls from space, streaking like a comet across the sky, crashing through the roof of the school, and killing the friend instantly. An explosion of fire, skull bone fragments, and gore.
"I will never forget your final words to me," says the hedgehog that is fast, cradling his friend's headless corpse, as the top of his spine pokes out of his neck-nub and flaps around like a sausage that's too big for its bun. Sonic kisses goodby to what's left of his friend, planting a big smacker on the tip of his vertebrae.
"I'm going to start running from this horrible memory - and I won't ever stop! From this day forth I shall be known... as So, Nic!"
SONIC'S PARENTS ARE REVEALED TO BE OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST AND A SNOOD
If God can make a woman pregnant using magic, who says that God's son can't make a snood give birth to a hedgehog boi that is fast?
"I'm Jesus, and this I something I'm pretty good at!" shouts The Lord while hunched over a sofa, making aggressive love to the snood.
"What are you doing, father?" asks His son, walking in on Him.
"This is how you were made," snaps the Son of God twice, furiously.
The naked, shuffling, trouserless, Jesus suddenly advances on Sonic, huffing and grinding His teeth, as Sonic flees from the room, and slams the door behind him, tears in his eyes.
"I'm Jesus, and this I something I'm pretty good at!" shouts The Lord while hunched over a sofa, making aggressive love to the snood.
"What are you doing, father?" asks His son, walking in on Him.
"This is how you were made," snaps the Son of God twice, furiously.
The naked, shuffling, trouserless, Jesus suddenly advances on Sonic, huffing and grinding His teeth, as Sonic flees from the room, and slams the door behind him, tears in his eyes.
MUSICAL NUMBERS!
Sonic is a hedgehog boi that is fast, and the soundtrack should reflect that. It needs to be peppered with musical numbers played at a speed too great for human ears to register as anything other than a cacophony of shrill bongs.
SONIC EATS SOME BORAX
The midpoint of the movie should find Sonic climbing down into a borax mine, to satiate a previously unexplored hunger for borax.
"I don't know what this - borax - is or why I want to eat it," whispers Sonic, "But this is a thing that I am doing today."
Cue five long scenes of Sonic chowing down on that spicy mineral compound, while the word "BORAX" flashes up on screen in a way that will give even the hardiest moviegoer some of that sweet epilepsy!
"I don't know what this - borax - is or why I want to eat it," whispers Sonic, "But this is a thing that I am doing today."
Cue five long scenes of Sonic chowing down on that spicy mineral compound, while the word "BORAX" flashes up on screen in a way that will give even the hardiest moviegoer some of that sweet epilepsy!
SONIC USES HIS SUPER-SPEED TO WITNESS HIS OWN DEATH
Sonic discovers that he can travel fast enough to travel through time. After reversing the flow of history to travel back and witness the first white dog poo - while performing a perverted feat - he is catapulted forwards to the final moment of his personal timeline.
He peers through the window of a hospice, and watches his elderly self choke to death on a quoit, surrounded by the last remaining members of The Polyphonic Spree!
He peers through the window of a hospice, and watches his elderly self choke to death on a quoit, surrounded by the last remaining members of The Polyphonic Spree!
SONIC RUNS AT TEN TIMES THE SPEED OF SOUND AND ALL HIS SKIN FALLS OFF AND GETS BLOWN DOWN A WELL
This is self-explanatory.
SONIC STEALS HIS FAMOUS SHOES FROM A HOMELESS MAN
We've all wondered how Sonic acquired his famous red sneakers. The movie should show him stealing them from a dying homeless man called Tenalady Snapperz. Sonic immediately starts laying eggs, and learns that the shoes bestow upon him the power to become gravid at will!
SONIC SAVES THE WORLD BY COMING UP WITH A WORKABLE ALTERNATIVE ECONOMIC MODEL
With an underlying theme suggesting that humanity has yet to find a functioning social and economic model, Sonic should spend much of the movie attempting to perfect an alternative based around free speech and empathy. The movie needs to climax with Sonic presenting his proposal to the United Nations - receiving a standing ovation from the leaders of every country.
"And that is that," bellows the hedgehog that is fast, while removing his famous white gloves to reveal a pair of mangled claws.
"And that is that," bellows the hedgehog that is fast, while removing his famous white gloves to reveal a pair of mangled claws.
SONIC GETS A NEW CATCHPHRASE
Any of these will do:
- "I'm dirty!"
- "I am capable of recovery!"
- "Buy one, get one free!"
- "I can smell terror!"
- "1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
- "I'm pregnant - with lust!"
- "Ugh! Groan!"
- "9/11: never forget!"
- "Get ready for a Tickle Deluxe!"
BRONK'S FUNERAL
Just like the first game in the Sonic franchise, the film should end with Sonic attending Bronk's funeral, standing in the shadows beneath a willow tree, as Bronk's casket is lowered into the ground.
"The end," barks Sonic the hedgehog boi that is fast, before winking at the audience, and licking what there is of his own neck.
"The end," barks Sonic the hedgehog boi that is fast, before winking at the audience, and licking what there is of his own neck.
RSS Feed
