@thesexymario For all the controversy and accusations of misogyny that seem to lap at the heels of certain contemporary game franchises, there was a time when attitudes towards sex and gender in games were even less enlightened. A time when games featuring rudies and that were about as sophisticated and tasteful as an episode of Benny Hill re-staged with manic, Viagra-engorged chimps.
Here are 10 such tasteless emissions from those darker days. Be assured that some of the imagery here is somewhat NSFW... but certainly not sexy.
Here are 10 such tasteless emissions from those darker days. Be assured that some of the imagery here is somewhat NSFW... but certainly not sexy.
10. BEAT 'EM & EAT 'EM
From the people responsible for the godawful Custer's Revenge, Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em at least attempted to side-step the accusations of racism and sexual assault that dogged its predecessor, by making its inexplicably grim sexual content at least somewhat consensual.
To wit: the player controls a pair of open-mouthed naked women, who must attempt to catch the worryingly yellow nuggets of sperm that are fired down from a rooftop masturbator. Said masturbator, however, more resembles the consequence of painful cross-breeding between an E.T. and a jackhammer than any sort of virile stud - frantically scratching at the shaft of his pneumatic member with both hands. Commendable attention to detail on the ladies, though - whose "collars" seemingly match their "cuffs".
The game was later retitled The Philly Flasher, and re-released in a version that reversed the genders, and featured two aroused gentleman attempting to catch drops of milk from the lactating breasts of a horrible witch. Got everything you need there, Doctor Freud?
To wit: the player controls a pair of open-mouthed naked women, who must attempt to catch the worryingly yellow nuggets of sperm that are fired down from a rooftop masturbator. Said masturbator, however, more resembles the consequence of painful cross-breeding between an E.T. and a jackhammer than any sort of virile stud - frantically scratching at the shaft of his pneumatic member with both hands. Commendable attention to detail on the ladies, though - whose "collars" seemingly match their "cuffs".
The game was later retitled The Philly Flasher, and re-released in a version that reversed the genders, and featured two aroused gentleman attempting to catch drops of milk from the lactating breasts of a horrible witch. Got everything you need there, Doctor Freud?
9. SAM FOX STRIP POKER
So ubiquitous was Page 3 model Samantha Fox in the 80s that it was inevitable she'd turn up in a game sooner or later. Sadly for her legion of fans - exclusively teenage males and van-driving labourers who go around saying stuff like "Alright, Dave? D'you wanna cuppatea?" - it was in this: Samantha Fox Strip Poker. The game started with a grainy, digitised version of the glamour queen dressed up like The Invisible Man, and ended - some 1,230 tedious hours later - with a grainy, digitised image of her bosoms.
At least, they might've been her bosoms. Or it might've been a picture of a couple of Zeppelins attempting to mate with a giant blancmange shaped like Mount Rushmore. Who knows? It was all rather difficult to tell.
At least, they might've been her bosoms. Or it might've been a picture of a couple of Zeppelins attempting to mate with a giant blancmange shaped like Mount Rushmore. Who knows? It was all rather difficult to tell.
8. THRILL KILL
This 1998 four-player PlayStaiton beat 'em up was canned before it ever got as far as being released, due to mounting controversy in the gaming press, which began to raise questions over its apparent correlation between sex and violence.
The reason for the controversy? Successful attacks would cause the scantily-clad characters' "bloodlust" to rise, ultimately resulting in a gory fatality move that was typically accompanied by a sort of orgasmic grunt.
The reason for the controversy? Successful attacks would cause the scantily-clad characters' "bloodlust" to rise, ultimately resulting in a gory fatality move that was typically accompanied by a sort of orgasmic grunt.
7. STROKER
A deeply unattractive Commodore 64 masturbation simulator, Stroker embraced every stage of the onanistic act - from encouraging a flaccid member into rigid life, all the way through to ejaculation. Players had to be wary though: mis-time your strokes and the penis could erupt prematurely. What makes all of this even more baffling is the impassive and off-putting gaze of that omnipresent on-screen judge. We can almost hear him sighing.
Given that masturbation isn't an act - such as flying a plane, or shooting terrorists, or stamping on turtles guilt-free - that's out of reach for most gamers, it's difficult to know quite who this is aimed at. If you'll excuse the phrase.
Given that masturbation isn't an act - such as flying a plane, or shooting terrorists, or stamping on turtles guilt-free - that's out of reach for most gamers, it's difficult to know quite who this is aimed at. If you'll excuse the phrase.
6. LOVERBOY
This arcade game was basically Pac-Man if Pac-Man was a seedy sex pest, rather than a drug addict. The titular "Loverboy" must stalk reluctant women around a maze, while avoiding policemen and their dogs. Notably, the presence of the police does rather overtly suggest that Loverboy is up to something illegal, rather than making his actions a sort of cheeky, Carry On film-type romp. Also, he's naked, and the women are screaming for help. It got banned shortly after release.
5. X-MAN
To the best of our knowledge, X-Man had nothing to do with Marvel's merry mutant super-heroes. Instead, this Atari 2600 title saw the titular "hero" wandering another maze - avoiding castration by sentient scissors, false teeth, and crabs - before engaging in an act of copulation with a blonde "beauty".
The ensuing mini game - pictured above - speaks for itself, but gave a new and literal meaning to the oft-used term "joystick waggler".
The ensuing mini game - pictured above - speaks for itself, but gave a new and literal meaning to the oft-used term "joystick waggler".
4. BURNING DESIRE
Another Atari 2600 effort from the dubious Custers/Beat 'Em perverts - this one has you rescuing a buxom beauty from a burning pyre, by means of being lowered from a helicopter, and encouraging her to grasp your penis so that she may be lifted to safety. We say "you", but we obviously mean "your character". Sorry. We're seven games into this list now, and reality is starting to become rather warped...
Regardless, it's difficult to speak without direct knowledge, but we can't imagine Mountain Rescue employing this technique. Or maybe we can, if we imagine really, really, really well...
Regardless, it's difficult to speak without direct knowledge, but we can't imagine Mountain Rescue employing this technique. Or maybe we can, if we imagine really, really, really well...
3. GOTCHA
Officially, Atari denied that the controls of this - the first ever maze game - were meant to represent breasts (despite resembling, well, breasts). Nonetheless, the promotional artwork - as seen above - would certainly given credence to the accusations that there was something at least slightly borderline sexist about Gotcha.
As would the reports that Atari staff referred to the game internally as "The Boob Game", and that this was meant to redress accusations regarding the phallic nature of traditional game controls, by encouraging players to, y'know, palpate a pair of soft, pink - but admittedly nip-less - domes.
As would the reports that Atari staff referred to the game internally as "The Boob Game", and that this was meant to redress accusations regarding the phallic nature of traditional game controls, by encouraging players to, y'know, palpate a pair of soft, pink - but admittedly nip-less - domes.
2. SEX GAMES
The Commodore 64 was known for some of the best joystick-shaking, button-bashing, sports games of its day... and that this familiar control method was employed to tawdry effect in Landisoft's imaginatively-titled Sex Games. Reach a sufficiency level of lust and potentency, and the game would unlock the next scene - building up to a spectacularly unappealing orgy featuring not one, but four bright orange erections.
1. BMX XXX
An effort that pleasingly disproves the unwritten rule that sex always sells, BMX XXX was built around the biking engine used in Acclaim's earlier Dave Mirra Freestyle BMX. Quite what manner of madness possessed them to release an adult follow-up - which allowed players to create topless female riders - is lost to history, though reports suggest it was a lack of confidence in how the project was shaping up.
Rather than scrap the game altogether, rumours suggest that the decision was made to add bosoms and swearing in the hope it might at least appeal to lowest common denominator-style idiots. Amusingly, this instead had the opposite effect to that which was intended, and resulted in a massive flop. Ha ha. Flop. Do you see?
Thank god that's finished. We're off to have a bath and do a suicide.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
Rather than scrap the game altogether, rumours suggest that the decision was made to add bosoms and swearing in the hope it might at least appeal to lowest common denominator-style idiots. Amusingly, this instead had the opposite effect to that which was intended, and resulted in a massive flop. Ha ha. Flop. Do you see?
Thank god that's finished. We're off to have a bath and do a suicide.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
RSS Feed
