Here are 10 such tasteless emissions from those darker days. Be assured that some of the imagery here is somewhat NSFW... but certainly not sexy.
To wit: the player controls a pair of open-mouthed naked women, who must attempt to catch the worryingly yellow nuggets of sperm that are fired down from a rooftop masturbator. Said masturbator, however, more resembles the consequence of painful cross-breeding between an E.T. and a jackhammer than any sort of virile stud - frantically scratching at the shaft of his pneumatic member with both hands. Commendable attention to detail on the ladies, though - whose "collars" seemingly match their "cuffs".
The game was later retitled The Philly Flasher, and re-released in a version that reversed the genders, and featured two aroused gentleman attempting to catch drops of milk from the lactating breasts of a horrible witch. Got everything you need there, Doctor Freud?
At least, they might've been her bosoms. Or it might've been a picture of a couple of Zeppelins attempting to mate with a giant blancmange shaped like Mount Rushmore. Who knows? It was all rather difficult to tell.
8. THRILL KILL
The reason for the controversy? Successful attacks would cause the scantily-clad characters' "bloodlust" to rise, ultimately resulting in a gory fatality move that was typically accompanied by a sort of orgasmic grunt.
Given that masturbation isn't an act - such as flying a plane, or shooting terrorists, or stamping on turtles guilt-free - that's out of reach for most gamers, it's difficult to know quite who this is aimed at. If you'll excuse the phrase.
The ensuing mini game - pictured above - speaks for itself, but gave a new and literal meaning to the oft-used term "joystick waggler".
Regardless, it's difficult to speak without direct knowledge, but we can't imagine Mountain Rescue employing this technique. Or maybe we can, if we imagine really, really, really well...
As would the reports that Atari staff referred to the game internally as "The Boob Game", and that this was meant to redress accusations regarding the phallic nature of traditional game controls, by encouraging players to, y'know, palpate a pair of soft, pink - but admittedly nip-less - domes.
Rather than scrap the game altogether, rumours suggest that the decision was made to add bosoms and swearing in the hope it might at least appeal to lowest common denominator-style idiots. Amusingly, this instead had the opposite effect to that which was intended, and resulted in a massive flop. Ha ha. Flop. Do you see?
Thank god that's finished. We're off to have a bath and do a suicide.
FROM THE ARCHIVE: