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10 TERRIBLE GAME CONTROLLERS

7/4/2015

13 Comments

 
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As the physical interface between our self and the virtual worlds into which we, as gamers, allow our conscience to explore, to wander, the gaming controller is akin to a doorway, a portal, a rip in the veil between the real and the fantasy, the reverie of the unexplored.

At best, a controller becomes invisible, obliterated, unobserved, hanging in the moments between moments. It is not our hands that grasp the controller, but the controller which grasps our hands, pulling our extremities, our very cognisance,  into a universe of twitch, a place where we become ghosts, where the game is the all, the distillation of a remote id, that ... wait... hang on. That's all getting a bit Edge. 

Here's a funny and sarcastic list of rubbish game controllers.

10. SEGA SATURN 3D CONTROLLER
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Hello, fatty. You look a bit like a portable CD player. Remember those? This circular controller was introduced alongside the still-irritatingly-named NiGHTS into Dreams, and was - theoretically - meant to make it easier to play 3D games. Ironically, it made it less easy to play anything, due to its absurd design, which required players to have extendable thumbs, and consume large quantities of ibuprofen over extended play sessions.
9. NOVINT FALCON
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If the Novint Falcon meant to evoke someone going a bit mental and trying to shoot a late-90s Apple iMac in the back, then they certainly succeeded. Where they didn't succeed was in designing a gaming peripheral that anyone needed - to wit: a device that records a players movements, and provides a force feedback effect simulating inertia and momentum. Fire your gun and it recoils, or take a corner in your virtual car and it'll feel like you're taking a corner. Well. Y'know. In your hand anyway. Good work, stupid people.
8. ATARI MINDLINK
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Mercifully, this Atari add-on was never released. Mercifully? It looks cool, doesn't it - a headband that allows you to control games with your thoughts alone? Except... the Mindlink did no such thing: rather than read thoughts, the Mindlink picked up a player's forehead movements. That's right: you controlled games by, essentially, waggling your eyebrows. It was quietly canned after test subjects complained of stress headaches, the two games produced for it - a Breakout clone and an "ESP" simulator - never getting a release.
7. SEGA ACTIVATOR
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If you were wearing a virtual reality headset, the Sega Activator might've had some worth. However, standing in the middle of a plastic octagonal donut, going the full Jean Michel-Jarre and using your body to break infra-red beams (which, horribly, correspond to different buttons on the Mega Drive controller), simply didn't work when applied to a 2D beat 'em up. Also, we're not entirely sure why the model in the promotional artwork was wearing nothing but his boxer shorts. Sex reasons, probably. 
6. CD32 CONTROLLER
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A games console joypad as designed by people who'd only ever seen pictures of other games console joypads. Much like the machine it was attached to, the Amiga CD32 controller was horribly designed, and horribly misguided. It's a little thing, but that upward-curving design - coupled to the lack of weight - made it foul to hold. As history records, the CD32 was far from being the Amiga's desperate last gasp, and the brand went on to have a long and fruitful life. Even today, it is the most popular and successful gaming brand of them all.
5. DREAM MACHINE
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If you've got just over a grand to spend, you too could suspend yourself from a flimsy-looking sex swing, and use your body movements to control on-screen action as your bewildered family stand around in a white void with their arms outstretched. Small pointing child in red sweater and white baseball cap not included.
4. FAIRCHILD CHANNEL F CONTROLLER
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Who remembers The Fairchild Video Entertainment Computer? We thought so. It looked like a mash-up between an 8-track music player and a Wii. Except it's not anywhere near as entertaining or user-friendly as either of those things. Inexplicably, the Fairchild's controller's d-stick and fire button were one and the same - meaning you were required to push down on the control stick in order to shoot and that. If you think that sounds unworkable... you'd be right. 
3. XBOX 360 KINECT
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Let's all be honest here: it just didn't work, did it? Quite why Microsoft persevered with the Kinect 2.0 is anyone's guess. However much you improve the technology, there's just something wrong about standing - without any controller attached to your body - and flailing around. We need that physical link with our games, and we need not to look like mentals when we're standing in our living room or - in the unlikely event anyone had a sufficiently big enough one to even use the Kinect - our bedrooms.
2. POOL SHARK
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Oh look - somebody's balancing a stick of liquorice on a screaming cartoon mouse. How many people love their pool/snooker PC games enough to clear sufficient space in front of their monitor to use a real pool cue? We reckon it's about five. Five people.
1. ORIGINAL XBOX CONTROLLER
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Far be it that we're body fascists, who think slim equates beauty, but we do love the trimmer Xbox 360 controller and the Xbox One controllers. Unfortunately, it took Microsoft a while to get there - their chubby first effort was a beast to hold, from those elliptical buttons, to the slippery smoothness of its flanks. If they'd made that unnecessary central logo just 75% smaller it would've solved a lot of issues. Branding isn't everything, boys. Not unless you're a sado-mascochistic bull.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
  • 10 COMPLETELY USELESS GAMING PERIPHERALS
  • 10 CONSOLE KNOCK-OFFS
  • 10 INTERESTING CONSOLE MODS
13 Comments
dan de la peche
7/4/2015 03:56:15 am

The Wii U's tablet is right up there for me. I get what they were going for, but it never feels right playing anything. Even the 'Wiimote' and 'Nunchuck' combo is a bit weird.

Reply
Jareth Smith
29/4/2015 02:19:07 am

I've had no issues with the Wii or Wii U controller(s). They've been excellent, I think, but then each to their own. I've never been able to stand the PlayStation controller. It's so awkward - plus Sony's "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" attitude to the thing is weird.

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Doctor Stranger
7/4/2015 04:53:05 am

"As history records, the CD32 was far from being the Amiga's desperate last gasp, and the brand went on to have a long and fruitful life. Even today, it is the most popular and successful gaming brand of them all." MSG START Universe 45362762 whistleblow report subject 247 "Mr Biffo" for immediate transport and incineration to Universe 179 Sector 11. MSG END

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Mr Biffo
7/4/2015 11:30:45 am

Hussssss.

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Dr Kank
7/4/2015 10:24:44 am

I used to have a joystick shaped like a Terminator's head for my Commodore 64.

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kelvingreen link
7/4/2015 10:46:43 am

I remember it well. There were also Aliens and Bart Simpson variants, all manufactured by Cheetah, as I recall.

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kelvingreen link
7/4/2015 10:51:18 am

It's a wonder that Microsoft managed to get any leverage in the market at all, let alone dominate it for a generation, given how clueless they were with the original X-Box. The name is meaningless (although perhaps not as meaningless as the 360; 360 what?), it looked stupid, and the original controller was absurd. It's as if they designed the entire product without any consideration of how things work in the real world, or in the case of the controller, what hands are.

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Doctor Stranger
8/4/2015 12:43:56 am

They had Halo, the first fps that really worked on a console (aside from Goldeneye). I think without Halo there may not even be an Xbox today. Also, I didn't mind the original controller that much. Yes it was huge, but the precision you could get in shooters compared to the PS2 was significant. What I'm saying is they predicted the industry's obsession with FPS games and reaped the benefits. I think with DX12 and Windows 10 integration there is more life in the old dog yet.

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Nick the Gent link
7/4/2015 11:32:58 am

What, no mention of the Atari Jaguar pad?!

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Mr Biffo
7/4/2015 11:34:34 am

Too obvious, surely? It'd be like shooting a crippled pig in the back of the head.

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mrak
7/4/2015 01:09:43 pm

The best thing about the CD32 controller was that the d-pad was held square on the inside by two brittle plastic nubs roughly a micron in diameter. Once these were broken, usually after about 20 minutes on Microcosm, the d-pad would swizzle around uselessly.

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Deexan
8/4/2015 12:54:32 am

The Novint Falcon looks like a suicide device from the futures.

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Goonerreed
8/4/2015 06:41:36 am

I'm surprised there isn't a pop-up shop in Hoxton where you can receive 'retro cramp' by joystick waggling with a Konix Speedking or Competition Pro II.

Reply



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