As the physical interface between our self and the virtual worlds into which we, as gamers, allow our conscience to explore, to wander, the gaming controller is akin to a doorway, a portal, a rip in the veil between the real and the fantasy, the reverie of the unexplored.
At best, a controller becomes invisible, obliterated, unobserved, hanging in the moments between moments. It is not our hands that grasp the controller, but the controller which grasps our hands, pulling our extremities, our very cognisance, into a universe of twitch, a place where we become ghosts, where the game is the all, the distillation of a remote id, that ... wait... hang on. That's all getting a bit Edge.
Here's a funny and sarcastic list of rubbish game controllers.
At best, a controller becomes invisible, obliterated, unobserved, hanging in the moments between moments. It is not our hands that grasp the controller, but the controller which grasps our hands, pulling our extremities, our very cognisance, into a universe of twitch, a place where we become ghosts, where the game is the all, the distillation of a remote id, that ... wait... hang on. That's all getting a bit Edge.
Here's a funny and sarcastic list of rubbish game controllers.
10. SEGA SATURN 3D CONTROLLER
Hello, fatty. You look a bit like a portable CD player. Remember those? This circular controller was introduced alongside the still-irritatingly-named NiGHTS into Dreams, and was - theoretically - meant to make it easier to play 3D games. Ironically, it made it less easy to play anything, due to its absurd design, which required players to have extendable thumbs, and consume large quantities of ibuprofen over extended play sessions.
9. NOVINT FALCON
If the Novint Falcon meant to evoke someone going a bit mental and trying to shoot a late-90s Apple iMac in the back, then they certainly succeeded. Where they didn't succeed was in designing a gaming peripheral that anyone needed - to wit: a device that records a players movements, and provides a force feedback effect simulating inertia and momentum. Fire your gun and it recoils, or take a corner in your virtual car and it'll feel like you're taking a corner. Well. Y'know. In your hand anyway. Good work, stupid people.
8. ATARI MINDLINK
Mercifully, this Atari add-on was never released. Mercifully? It looks cool, doesn't it - a headband that allows you to control games with your thoughts alone? Except... the Mindlink did no such thing: rather than read thoughts, the Mindlink picked up a player's forehead movements. That's right: you controlled games by, essentially, waggling your eyebrows. It was quietly canned after test subjects complained of stress headaches, the two games produced for it - a Breakout clone and an "ESP" simulator - never getting a release.
7. SEGA ACTIVATOR
If you were wearing a virtual reality headset, the Sega Activator might've had some worth. However, standing in the middle of a plastic octagonal donut, going the full Jean Michel-Jarre and using your body to break infra-red beams (which, horribly, correspond to different buttons on the Mega Drive controller), simply didn't work when applied to a 2D beat 'em up. Also, we're not entirely sure why the model in the promotional artwork was wearing nothing but his boxer shorts. Sex reasons, probably.
6. CD32 CONTROLLER
A games console joypad as designed by people who'd only ever seen pictures of other games console joypads. Much like the machine it was attached to, the Amiga CD32 controller was horribly designed, and horribly misguided. It's a little thing, but that upward-curving design - coupled to the lack of weight - made it foul to hold. As history records, the CD32 was far from being the Amiga's desperate last gasp, and the brand went on to have a long and fruitful life. Even today, it is the most popular and successful gaming brand of them all.
5. DREAM MACHINE
If you've got just over a grand to spend, you too could suspend yourself from a flimsy-looking sex swing, and use your body movements to control on-screen action as your bewildered family stand around in a white void with their arms outstretched. Small pointing child in red sweater and white baseball cap not included.
4. FAIRCHILD CHANNEL F CONTROLLER
Who remembers The Fairchild Video Entertainment Computer? We thought so. It looked like a mash-up between an 8-track music player and a Wii. Except it's not anywhere near as entertaining or user-friendly as either of those things. Inexplicably, the Fairchild's controller's d-stick and fire button were one and the same - meaning you were required to push down on the control stick in order to shoot and that. If you think that sounds unworkable... you'd be right.
3. XBOX 360 KINECT
Let's all be honest here: it just didn't work, did it? Quite why Microsoft persevered with the Kinect 2.0 is anyone's guess. However much you improve the technology, there's just something wrong about standing - without any controller attached to your body - and flailing around. We need that physical link with our games, and we need not to look like mentals when we're standing in our living room or - in the unlikely event anyone had a sufficiently big enough one to even use the Kinect - our bedrooms.
2. POOL SHARK
Oh look - somebody's balancing a stick of liquorice on a screaming cartoon mouse. How many people love their pool/snooker PC games enough to clear sufficient space in front of their monitor to use a real pool cue? We reckon it's about five. Five people.
1. ORIGINAL XBOX CONTROLLER
Far be it that we're body fascists, who think slim equates beauty, but we do love the trimmer Xbox 360 controller and the Xbox One controllers. Unfortunately, it took Microsoft a while to get there - their chubby first effort was a beast to hold, from those elliptical buttons, to the slippery smoothness of its flanks. If they'd made that unnecessary central logo just 75% smaller it would've solved a lot of issues. Branding isn't everything, boys. Not unless you're a sado-mascochistic bull.
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