Tat. We've all got too much of it already, and really don't need any more stuff that's going to give us a momentary high, before we place it on a shelf ("Don't touch that - it's daddy's! It's not a toy, you little idiot!)... where it'll gather dust until we have a clear-out in a year or two's time.
Nevertheless, the breadth of available video game merchandise is ludicrous - and here are ten things that confirm video game companies are happy to slap their brands on almost anything.
Nevertheless, the breadth of available video game merchandise is ludicrous - and here are ten things that confirm video game companies are happy to slap their brands on almost anything.
10. RESIDENT EVIL AFTERSHAVE
Resident Evil's Leon Kennedy is inexplicably and apparently viewed by some as a sort of role-model, which could only account for the amount of Leon-branded lifestyle merchandise available in Japan. These items include sunglasses, clothes and edible segs... But it's the Leon S. Kennedy aftershave which has to be the most absurd, given that few of us could have ever paused to wonder what he smells like. Rotting flesh and viscera, with subtle notes of manscaping, we're guessing.
9. DEAD OR ALIVE MOUSEPADS
The Dead or Alive series is notable mostly for its gravity-defying bosoms, so it's little wonder that most of the tie-in tat emphasises its characters' breasts. These mousepads utilise the mammaries as a sort of padded wrist-rest... and we're sure you can write your own achingly obvious joke as to why players might need to rest their wrists. Sigh...
8. PORTAL 2 POTAT-OS PLUSH
A cuddly computer potato. There isn't a lot more to say about it. Put it next to your cuddly computer broccoli and kale.
7. ASTEROIDS COSTUME
We can't decide whether this early-80s Halloween costume turns its wearer into some sort of Lovecraftian nightmare, or a circus freak called The Barnacle Man. Regardless, the only way to complement it is with a dripping meat cleaver and a synth soundtrack by John Carpenter.
6. SUPER MARIO BROS SHOWER HEAD
It's just the richest children who have their own shower, so we presume that most of the people who bought this Mario and Luigi-themed shower head had it fitted in the family bathroom... providing "scald protection" for the whole family. New! Safe!
5. MEGA DRIVE PLUSH
The Mega Drive was a lump of plastic consumer hardware. Making a plush Mega Drive shows about as much logic as producing a cuddly replica of a Dyson, or a JVC under-telly soundbar.
4. THOMAS WAS ALONE ACTION FIGURES
Thomas Was Alone was innovative and clever, but we don't imagine anyone loved it enough to buy some coloured plastic bricks based upon its 'characters'. Next they'll be making toys out of Siri, or release an action figure collection called Heroes of Google Streetview.
3. ANGRY BIRD BRA
Chauvenists and women-haters! Now when you sneeringly call your wife "Pig-Tit", there's a chance you may be accurate!
2. NES CONTROLLER FETISH PADDLE
Not an official product - it was sold through Esty - this NES-style arse-slapper is perfect for the kinky gamer in your life. Frankly, we don't quite get the whole BDSM thing, but we suppose if someone was going to smack our bare bottom with something it might as well be an NES controller. Rather that than a slice of Billy Bear ham.
1. ANY WATCHDOGS MERCHANDISE
We probably don't need to elaborate. Suffice to say, somebody was a bit overly-optimistic in the licensing department...
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