They say that the past is a different country, but they are wrong; it isn't a different country. It's just the past - a different time, yeah? You see, a country is a region that is identified as a distinct national entity in political geography, whereas the past is a term used to indicate the totality of events that occurred before a given point in time.
Why can't people understand this?!?
And because time moves depressingly ever forwards, each moment being one we shall never return to, the past unravels behind us as the days ahead grow smaller.
And so on, and so forth. Here are 10 old consoles that were well shit, brah.
Why can't people understand this?!?
And because time moves depressingly ever forwards, each moment being one we shall never return to, the past unravels behind us as the days ahead grow smaller.
And so on, and so forth. Here are 10 old consoles that were well shit, brah.
RADIO SHACK ELECTRONIC TV SCOREBOARD
From the days when children were stupid enough to be impressed by a square white thing on a black background having a thing done to it by some other square things, the Radio Shack Electronic TV Scoreboard was one of the things that did the above thing.
It included games such as squash, tennis, hockey, and shooting a square thing - all of which were literally identical to one another. Nevertheless, the people of the era remained profoundly impressed and terrified by how realistic it all was - just look at the two youths in the above image, screaming with mortal fear. They probably think it's going to eat them! The ignorant little pigs.
It included games such as squash, tennis, hockey, and shooting a square thing - all of which were literally identical to one another. Nevertheless, the people of the era remained profoundly impressed and terrified by how realistic it all was - just look at the two youths in the above image, screaming with mortal fear. They probably think it's going to eat them! The ignorant little pigs.
VIEW-MASTER INTERACTIVE VISION
Most of us are more familiar with View-Master as the perverted eye-device which allows us to see images right up close to our face, without anybody knowing what it is we're looking at.
"Pray tell... what are they observing? Is it the Taj Mahal wearing a bra? Frankenstein's brass melon? Or perhaps a Star War?"
Is it any wonder that the View-Master Interactive Vision - a version of its looking-at-things device, but done so that bystanders could also see what you were seeing - was an abject failure? It didn't help that the Interactive Vision's games all came on VHS tapes - a sort of cross between a book and a DVD that had gone sour - and that the console looked like something a sick architect might wrongly assume was a good design for a new art museum.
"Pray tell... what are they observing? Is it the Taj Mahal wearing a bra? Frankenstein's brass melon? Or perhaps a Star War?"
Is it any wonder that the View-Master Interactive Vision - a version of its looking-at-things device, but done so that bystanders could also see what you were seeing - was an abject failure? It didn't help that the Interactive Vision's games all came on VHS tapes - a sort of cross between a book and a DVD that had gone sour - and that the console looked like something a sick architect might wrongly assume was a good design for a new art museum.
DICK SMITH WIZZARD
Though called the CreatiVision almost everywhere, it's far more jolly to call this console by its Australian name - the Dick Smith Wizzard.
Famed throughout Australia for its "fantastic serviceability & robust design", one of the Dick Smith Wizzard's biggest selling points was that its games had no need for instruction manuals. Instead, each came with an integral demo mode - something rare for the time - that was hosted by Ned Kelly, a famous bucket-headed bogan and dicksmith.
Famed throughout Australia for its "fantastic serviceability & robust design", one of the Dick Smith Wizzard's biggest selling points was that its games had no need for instruction manuals. Instead, each came with an integral demo mode - something rare for the time - that was hosted by Ned Kelly, a famous bucket-headed bogan and dicksmith.
CASIO LOOPY
"Casio Loopy nuts are we,
Me and him and them and me,
Sold in Japan and nowhere else,
It had an in-built thermal printer that could be used to create stickers."
Me and him and them and me,
Sold in Japan and nowhere else,
It had an in-built thermal printer that could be used to create stickers."
MATTEL HYPERSCAN
Released in the space year 2006 AD, the Hyperscan was aimed at "younger boys" (although it could also be aimed at younger girls, if you could get them to stop running around and squealing at one another for longer than 30 seconds). Its unique selling point was scannable RFID cards, which would change the pitiful characters and pitiful gameplay of its pitiful five games.
Still... you have to give it kudos for its unique design - it looks like a sort of magic space book that one could imagine a whimsical sprite reading!
Still... you have to give it kudos for its unique design - it looks like a sort of magic space book that one could imagine a whimsical sprite reading!
BBC BRIDGE COMPANION
If you thought that the only computerised hardware the BBC were involved with was the BBC Microcomputer... you are wrong. So very, very wrong. So wrong that if you were a Special Administrative Region of China you would be Wrong Wrong (Hong Kong).
You see, the BBC were also responsible for this: the BBC Bridge Companion - a console designed exclusively for people who wanted have some company while crossing bridges. Step onto any bridge, and the BBC Bridge Companion would start chirruping phrases such as: "I am with you now"; "You are not alone"; "I hope you're having as much fun as I am on this bridge"; and "I need a poo now".
It could also be used to help users improve their skills at a card game called Bridge. Available cartridges included the enormously exciting-sounding Advanced Bidding, Club Play 1 - 3, and Duplicate 1.
You see, the BBC were also responsible for this: the BBC Bridge Companion - a console designed exclusively for people who wanted have some company while crossing bridges. Step onto any bridge, and the BBC Bridge Companion would start chirruping phrases such as: "I am with you now"; "You are not alone"; "I hope you're having as much fun as I am on this bridge"; and "I need a poo now".
It could also be used to help users improve their skills at a card game called Bridge. Available cartridges included the enormously exciting-sounding Advanced Bidding, Club Play 1 - 3, and Duplicate 1.
TIGER GIZMONDO
Given Nintendo's dominance of the handheld market, you would've had to have been a pretty rare sort of idiot to try to take it on. Step forward Gizmondo - a system which can list its greatest feat as convincing certain mid-90s games journalists that it might actually be pretty good. But then, that the kind of reward you deserve for inviting idiots to a swanky party at London's Park Lane Hotel.
What a shame that so much unwarranted positive PR was wasted. The Gizmondo sold terribly, and the company's director, Stefan Eriksson, was revealed to be the leader of the Uppsalamaffian - a Swedish criminal syndicate. Eriksson was known to local police as "Fat Steve", and had already spent five years in prison before the release of the Gizmondo - for breaking into a man's home, and punching him repeatedly in the face.
In 2006, a year after the release of the Gizmondo, Fat Steve was arrested in California for driving while under the influence of alcohol, after crashing his Ferrari at an estimated 162 miles per hour. Since then he has spent time in prison for charges including embezzlement, possession of cocaine, and owning a really illegal gun.
None of that is made up.
What a shame that so much unwarranted positive PR was wasted. The Gizmondo sold terribly, and the company's director, Stefan Eriksson, was revealed to be the leader of the Uppsalamaffian - a Swedish criminal syndicate. Eriksson was known to local police as "Fat Steve", and had already spent five years in prison before the release of the Gizmondo - for breaking into a man's home, and punching him repeatedly in the face.
In 2006, a year after the release of the Gizmondo, Fat Steve was arrested in California for driving while under the influence of alcohol, after crashing his Ferrari at an estimated 162 miles per hour. Since then he has spent time in prison for charges including embezzlement, possession of cocaine, and owning a really illegal gun.
None of that is made up.
TIGER R-ZONE
A sort of proto-Google Glass (although, to be fair, the Google Glass itself is a sort of proto-Google Glass), Tiger's R-Zone games hovered in front of the player's eyes, via the means of a stupid headset.
Having already cornered the market in licensed handheld LCD games, Tiger was able to secure for the R-Zone such big brands as Virtua Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Jurassic Park, and Batman Forever. Unfortunately, the terrible display system and awful games ensured that the R-Zone was a flaccid catastrophe from day one.
It also didn't help matters when it was leaked to the public that the "R" actually stood for "Rectal Prolapse". What were you thinking, Tiger? Nobody is going to buy their child a toy called the Rectal Prolapse-Zone...!
Having already cornered the market in licensed handheld LCD games, Tiger was able to secure for the R-Zone such big brands as Virtua Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Jurassic Park, and Batman Forever. Unfortunately, the terrible display system and awful games ensured that the R-Zone was a flaccid catastrophe from day one.
It also didn't help matters when it was leaked to the public that the "R" actually stood for "Rectal Prolapse". What were you thinking, Tiger? Nobody is going to buy their child a toy called the Rectal Prolapse-Zone...!
SEGA MASTER SYSTEM GIRL
Released only in Brazil, the Master System Girl was a battery-powered version of Sega's Master System - but for girls. Due to their dainty hands and genetic oversensitivity to electricity, girls are not allowed to use AC adaptors, in case they become electric.
Also, due to their eyes being weaker and more feeble than powerful male eyes, they are unable to perceive darker colours - and this is why girl things must always be pink; the colour of a womb.
Also, due to their eyes being weaker and more feeble than powerful male eyes, they are unable to perceive darker colours - and this is why girl things must always be pink; the colour of a womb.
DAEWOO ZEMMIX TURBO
Zemmix was a range of MSX-based consoles developed by South Korea's Daewoo. Most were pretty unremarkable, save for the Zemmix Turbo - which went all-out to look like something out of Battlestar Galactica. What was that big t-bar bit on the top? It was an all-seeing eye, of course!
Not really; it was actually a sort of sensor that groaned and moaned when you rubbed your lower belly on it.
Not really; it was actually a sort of sensor that groaned and moaned when you rubbed your lower belly on it.
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