Why can't people understand this?!?
And because time moves depressingly ever forwards, each moment being one we shall never return to, the past unravels behind us as the days ahead grow smaller.
And so on, and so forth. Here are 10 old consoles that were well shit, brah.
It included games such as squash, tennis, hockey, and shooting a square thing - all of which were literally identical to one another. Nevertheless, the people of the era remained profoundly impressed and terrified by how realistic it all was - just look at the two youths in the above image, screaming with mortal fear. They probably think it's going to eat them! The ignorant little pigs.
"Pray tell... what are they observing? Is it the Taj Mahal wearing a bra? Frankenstein's brass melon? Or perhaps a Star War?"
Is it any wonder that the View-Master Interactive Vision - a version of its looking-at-things device, but done so that bystanders could also see what you were seeing - was an abject failure? It didn't help that the Interactive Vision's games all came on VHS tapes - a sort of cross between a book and a DVD that had gone sour - and that the console looked like something a sick architect might wrongly assume was a good design for a new art museum.
Famed throughout Australia for its "fantastic serviceability & robust design", one of the Dick Smith Wizzard's biggest selling points was that its games had no need for instruction manuals. Instead, each came with an integral demo mode - something rare for the time - that was hosted by Ned Kelly, a famous bucket-headed bogan and dicksmith.
Me and him and them and me,
Sold in Japan and nowhere else,
It had an in-built thermal printer that could be used to create stickers."
Still... you have to give it kudos for its unique design - it looks like a sort of magic space book that one could imagine a whimsical sprite reading!
You see, the BBC were also responsible for this: the BBC Bridge Companion - a console designed exclusively for people who wanted have some company while crossing bridges. Step onto any bridge, and the BBC Bridge Companion would start chirruping phrases such as: "I am with you now"; "You are not alone"; "I hope you're having as much fun as I am on this bridge"; and "I need a poo now".
It could also be used to help users improve their skills at a card game called Bridge. Available cartridges included the enormously exciting-sounding Advanced Bidding, Club Play 1 - 3, and Duplicate 1.
What a shame that so much unwarranted positive PR was wasted. The Gizmondo sold terribly, and the company's director, Stefan Eriksson, was revealed to be the leader of the Uppsalamaffian - a Swedish criminal syndicate. Eriksson was known to local police as "Fat Steve", and had already spent five years in prison before the release of the Gizmondo - for breaking into a man's home, and punching him repeatedly in the face.
In 2006, a year after the release of the Gizmondo, Fat Steve was arrested in California for driving while under the influence of alcohol, after crashing his Ferrari at an estimated 162 miles per hour. Since then he has spent time in prison for charges including embezzlement, possession of cocaine, and owning a really illegal gun.
None of that is made up.
Having already cornered the market in licensed handheld LCD games, Tiger was able to secure for the R-Zone such big brands as Virtua Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Jurassic Park, and Batman Forever. Unfortunately, the terrible display system and awful games ensured that the R-Zone was a flaccid catastrophe from day one.
It also didn't help matters when it was leaked to the public that the "R" actually stood for "Rectal Prolapse". What were you thinking, Tiger? Nobody is going to buy their child a toy called the Rectal Prolapse-Zone...!
Also, due to their eyes being weaker and more feeble than powerful male eyes, they are unable to perceive darker colours - and this is why girl things must always be pink; the colour of a womb.
Not really; it was actually a sort of sensor that groaned and moaned when you rubbed your lower belly on it.