DIGITISER
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ

10 STUPID CHRISTMAS-THEMED GAMES

19/12/2017

25 Comments

 
Picture
Would you like to read my new Christmas poem to get you in a Christmas mood? Here it is:

Christmas is a time of cheer,
Put yourself in a Christmas sphere,
Roll straight down a Christmas slope, 
"Merry Christmas!" - from his maj' the Pope.


That's a well wicked poem. It's better than you could do - and no mistake!!!

Why aren't there more Christmas-themed games? Well, it's pretty obvious. Why would you ask such a stupid question? Obviously, it's because of their limited shelf-life, and because they would melt on January 1st.

Consequently, most appearances from Christmas in games have been limited to single levels, or the Christmassing is pushed into the background - such as in Robocod - or are mini Christmas-themed instalments of otherwise popular games - such as Christmas Lemmings and Sega's Christmas NiGHTS Into Dreams.

​Here are ten other examples of the non-phenom' that is "Christmas games".
DAZE BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Picture
It's sad to say, but in the current climate there's no way of avoiding putting Father Christmas under the spotlight. Think about him - eccentric manner, charity work, bright clothes, surrounds himself with hairless, child-sized people... remind you of anyone? And we allow this man to enter our homes once a year, in the dead of night, to leave "presents" in our living rooms. Why does nobody attempt to regulate this? Is he above the law? 

Père Noël? More like "Pedo Hell!!!". Hmm... That's not very Christmassy. Oh well. Who cares?

This 1994 platformer was released for the Mega Drive and Super NES in the UK and Australia alone, for some reason. It was all quite standard fare - Santa saving his North Pole workshop from an evil snowman, who had imprisoned all the elves inside Christmas presents. Oddly, if Santa found and drank a cup of coffee, he would transform into his own "evil" alter-ego: the invincible Anti-Claus.

Please note: Santa's main form of attack was to swing his sack around. 

Look, I'm just saying that the evidence is all there, and we probably shouldn't ignore it...
ELF BOWLING
Picture
A cheap and cheerful 1998 PC release, Elf Bowling saw the North Pole elves going on strike. As punishment, Santa forces them to act as pins, while he lobbed bowling balls at them. Remember: this man is a hero to billions of children, and here he was being portrayed as a violent anti-unionist.

Other inappropriate imagery in Elf Bowling included the ability to murder passing reindeer, frogs and rabbits, and the sight of the elves baring their weirdly hairless anuses at Santa, should he fail in his attempt to bludgeon them to death.
SPECIAL DELIVERY: SANTA'S CHRISTMAS CHAOS
Picture
Released in 1984 for the Commodore 64, Spectrum and Atari 8-Bit, Special Delivery saw Santa collecting presents in his sleigh, before clambering down chimneys and placing them beneath Christmas trees. If he woke any sleepwalking children, he would fail in his mission.

​Unfortunately, we were spared the sight of the children waking by screaming and never stopping - which, I am led to believe, is what happens if you wake a sleepwalker.

"Ssssh! Don't wake her."

"But she's got a knife..."

"You just have to let her murder you."
FROSTY'S BUSY NIGHT
Picture
Pumped out in 1990, like post-sprout guff at the very end of the Commodore 64's life, Frosty's Busy Night was a side-scrolling platformer, which found the titular snowman collecting presents from the elves, to deliver to Santa.

Inexplicably, Frosty's quest was made more dangerous by the presence of deadly Christmas puddings and sentient bottles of booze. Notably, it was a simultaneous, two-player game, implying there were two Frosty The Snowmans.

Depressingly, despite being a later Commodore 64 release, it looked as if it had been made at least seven years previously.

According to the song, Frosty the Snowman was "As alive as he could be". Do you think, when he came to life, that he had guts and stuff? Would he bleed if you cut him open? Did he have teeth, and a larynx, and all that shit? It annoys me that nobody ever goes into enough detail with these lyrics.
THE POLAR EXPRESS
Picture
I dunno about you, but if I woke up in the middle of the night, and there was a massive steam train outside my house full of children in their nightclothes, I probably wouldn't climb aboard. Even if it was being driven by Tom Hanks - a man so nice that he's got to be hiding something.

However, in The Polar Express, boarding dubious Christmas Eve night-trains is not only encouraged - but rewarded. The 2004 multi-format video game tie-in did little to dissuade players from this course of action. It was a surprisingly decent-looking interpretation of the film - albeit with a jarring grab-bag of playing styles, from platforming, racing, and rhythm-action, which rendered it this: appalling.
VISCERA CLEANUP DETAIL: SANTA'S RAMPAGE
Picture
An add-on for the infamous post-FPS title, in which players have to clean up the levels after a gratuitously violent battle, the Santa's Rampage expansion had you doing the same thing - albeit in Santa's workshop.

Success could be obtained by removing the evidence of bloodstains, elf and reindeer body parts, and whiskey bottles. Disturbingly, it was revealed that Santa himself was responsible for the slaughter, having snapped under the pressure of distributing Christmas gifts.

After all, nothing says "Christmas" like a mental breakdown!

Remember when Arthur Fowler had his "Christmas troubles" in EastEnders, because he'd stolen the Christmas club money? No? Well, it was 25 years ago. But there was this bit where he was carving the Fowler family turkey, and it was twenty or thirty times more disturbing than anything in Santa's Rampage.
DEAD RISING 4
Picture
That's right: Dead Rising 4 was set in the aftermath of a zombie uprising, which had occurred at Christmas. Consequently, many of the weapons you could find and construct were Christmas-themed. Technically, it took place in April, but all the decs were still up and that, making it the game version of that neighbour we've all got who still has one solitary snowflake window sticker left up in the middle of June.
DIE HARD TRILOGY
Picture
Is Die Hard a Christmas film? Only, I've never heard this question be asked before. Except... FOR EVERY RUDDY CHRISTMAS. You're not being original, you know. Also: does it matter? It's a film set at Christmas. If some people choose to see it as a Christmas film... good for them. Your attempts to provide a definitive categorisation is utterly futile. It's a film. It's not like you're trying to work out different types of quark.

Die Hard Trilogy waters down the pointless conversation even further, by including levels based around the distinctly non-Christmassy Die Hard With A Vengeance.
BATMAN: ARKHAM ORIGINS
Picture
Like the movie Die Hard, Arkham Origins was set at Christmas, but doesn't go out of its way to explore Christmas themes. Unless your Christmas typically involves a billionaire in a leather bodysuit punching poor people in the mouth. Let's face it: that's as good a metaphor as any for the overt commercialisation of the festive season.
THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: OOGIE'S REVENGE
Picture
Oh, everyone goes on about Die Hard, but nobody ever stops to ask whether The Nightmare Before Christmas is a Christmas film or not. It's not an issue in America, where Halloween, Thanksgiving - whatever that is - and Christmas all sort of blend into one long, amorphous, holiday.

In the UK, though, the lurch between gothic horror and Christmas cheer is more jarring, and thus I am happy to declare - definitively - that The Nightmare Before Christmas is NOT a Christmas movie.

Oogie's Revenge was a direct sequel to the movie, set a year later - with a similar (albeit playable) mix of disturbing visionary, blended with Christmas niceness. Tim Burton's a weirdo, yeah?
Attention: send your emails to the Digitiser2000 Christmas Letters Page!​
digitiser2000@gmail.com
25 Comments
Chris
19/12/2017 10:49:20 am

I had a neighbour who left a solitary snowflake in the window until at least April.

She'd been murdered over New Year.

Reply
MENTALIST
19/12/2017 11:27:00 am

Upon reading "Daze Before Christmas", and seeing that screenshot, I thought you might have stumbled upon some lost Amiga era seasonal iteration of the Skool Daze series.

But no.

Reply
DEAN
19/12/2017 11:31:57 am

Activision's WWII COD should team up with EA's FIFA and do a special Christmas level and I think it should go something like this:

You keep having the same experience except each time the resolution slightly increases.

Reply
colincidence link
19/12/2017 11:56:17 am

Every time the annual COD game is released, it's in the new year's resolution.

Reply
Biscuits
19/12/2017 12:23:31 pm

'That Game of Football in No Man's Land - 2026 edition'

Using genetic tracing and facial reconstruction to build the original 'teams'

Reply
Spiney O'Sullivan
19/12/2017 04:05:48 pm

The usual lootboxes could come in nice festive wrapping paper and be dropped from a flying sleigh, making opening them in front of other players on the beaches of Normandy less of a grotesque commercialisation of the deaths of over 425,000 people in just that battle alone and more of a delightful celebration of holiday cheer.

Reply
Nick
19/12/2017 11:36:39 am

Is Santa nude in the Christmas Chaos one?

Reply
Brenkogeld
19/12/2017 12:04:50 pm

"In the UK, though, the lurch between gothic horror and Christmas cheer is more jarring"

I disagree due to this: A Christmas Carol exists

Reply
RG
19/12/2017 12:43:57 pm

I disagree due to this: I'm a contrarian

Reply
Brenkogeld
19/12/2017 02:01:53 pm

I contest this.

RG
19/12/2017 03:01:54 pm

No you don't

Neptunium
19/12/2017 12:51:10 pm

Is Gremlins a Christmas film?

Reply
DEAN
19/12/2017 02:12:04 pm

Can't be - they're not even real.

Reply
LOL
20/12/2017 01:06:32 am

Thumbs up for this classic DEAN

Oi, make sure your little one thinks Santa exists, yeah?

Mrtankthreat
19/12/2017 12:52:30 pm

What is it about Die Hard that generates the whole Christmas discussion? No one ever seems to bring up Lethal Weapon. That's set at Christmas too. And I agree that Nightmare Before Christmas is really more of a Halloween movie. Most films that people think of as Christmas movies are very secular in nature. They usually contain references to Santa and presents or trees and stuff rather than mention the birth of Jesus. And thinking about that, secular Easter never seems to get a look in in movies. Why not have an action movie set against the backdrop of children enjoying chocolate eggs? (no, not the kind you're thinking of Biffo)

Reply
Neptunium
19/12/2017 01:06:36 pm

"And I agree that Nightmare Before Christmas is really more of a Halloween movie."

Halloween takes place and finishes in the first few minutes of the film, the vast majority of the film is about Christmas - prepping and execution. When I read that cinemas in the US show this annually at Halloween, it just makes me think that the whole of the US are drunks who fall asleep during the first few minutes of the film.

Reply
RG
19/12/2017 01:51:18 pm

This is brilliant marketing - why stick to just one holiday when you can cash in on two? They should do a sequel - "The May Day before Independence Day" where the gods of fertility fight aliens alongside Will Smith?

Mrtankthreat
19/12/2017 03:17:25 pm

Just as Die Hard is an action movie set at Christmas the Nightmare Before Christmas is a Halloween movie set at Christmas. It's about Jack rediscovering his love for Halloween. Sure, there's Christmas elements to it but there's a Halloweenifacation of those elements that occurs too. I would say it could be classed as both a Christmas movie and Halloween movie but for me it's more of a Halloween movie. It was originally released on October 29th too and I saw it around that time so it resonates with that period for me more than Christmas. I guess it doesn't really matter cause I thought it was crap anyway and I won't be watching it again at any time of the year.

Spiney O’Sullivan
19/12/2017 03:03:04 pm

No recognition for the two Home Alone games? Or are they not stupid enough?

I seem to recall the second one being fairly stupid, what with every person and strangely animated inanimate object in New York trying to murder a small child for no reason. On the bright side, being so incredibly divorced from the source material means that I don’t think the Trump cameo makes it into the game...

Reply
Col. Asdasd
22/12/2017 11:36:27 am

ALL games are stupid at this special time of year.

Reply
John Veness
19/12/2017 04:23:24 pm

Is having a hairless anus really that weird? Asking for a friend.

Reply
Frank Chickens
19/12/2017 04:51:58 pm

Not a mention of The Snowman on the Speccy?

The Snowman was I think based on the Raymond Briggs animation and it was a good, if very frustrating, platform game.

Reply
Spiney O'Sullivan
19/12/2017 05:39:40 pm

It certainly beats the When The Wind Blows game. I'm not convinced it's even possible to win that one. No matter how well I do what I'm told to do, I end up dead.

Reply
David W
19/12/2017 09:25:41 pm

I couldn't even get started with that one. Tried it on several cassette decks: loads fine for four minutes, then nothing but a white screen.

I love Alternative Software
21/12/2017 12:23:15 am

Wot no "The Official Father Christmas"??? Classic. Honest.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    This section will not be visible in live published website. Below are your current settings:


    Current Number Of Columns are = 2

    Expand Posts Area =

    Gap/Space Between Posts = 12px

    Blog Post Style = card

    Use of custom card colors instead of default colors = 1

    Blog Post Card Background Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Shadow Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Border Color = current color

    Publish the website and visit your blog page to see the results

    Picture
    Support Me on Ko-fi
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    RSS Feed Widget
    Picture

    Picture
    Tweets by @mrbiffo
    Picture
    Follow us on The Facebook

    Picture

    Archives

    December 2022
    May 2022
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    July 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014


    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ