10 RUBBISH ROBOTS FROM THE EIGHTIES

Hey - the Nintendo Switch isn't the only Nintendo product to launch with barely any software support. Released in 1985, Nintendo's R.O.B. - its Robotic Operated Buddy - was heavily promoted alongside the NES, and doubtlessly helped Nintendo gain a foothold, following the 1983 video game crash.

Unfortunately, R.O.B. might've had good intentions - he was designed to be a second player for friendless youths - but only worked with two games; Gyromite and Stack-Up. Aren't you supposed to learn from your mistakes, Nintendo?

Of course, R.O.B. wasn't the only commercially available "robot" in the robot-obsessed 1980s. Here are ten more.

TOPO

As a name, Topo is more suited to a monkey or a clown than a robot. However, few parents would invite either of those to live in the family home; monkeys would defecate on and scratch everything, while clowns are renowned perverts.

Topo, designed by Androbot Inc., did neither of these things. Indeed, Topo didn't do much of anything at all - it just trundled wherever you told it to trundle, via an Apple II program, and an infra-red transmitter. A later version featured a text-to-speech function, so that you could get Topo to say stuff like "I'm trundling over here" and "I'm not a pervert".

SEGA CHAN

Nintendo's rival, Sega, also got into the robot act, with Sega Chan. Though not available to purchase for home use, Sega Chan was designed to be a promotional gimmick for trade events.

It featured a colour TV screen in its chest (videos could be played via a concealed VCR slot), and its hands could hold a tray of drinks. Also, according to Sega's literature, "danger prevention sensors make him completely safe to operate".

That doesn't explain whether Sega Chan could detect danger coming his way, or sensed when he was going to behave dangerously around others. Either way, it rather flagged the possibility of the robot's danger sensors failing, and it going on some sort of alarming rampage, knocking over stalls, and feeling up businessmen.

TOMY OMNIBOT

Surely everyone had a Tomy robot at some point? From the high-end Omnibot2000 (no relation) to Spot the robot dog, who could bark and flap his ears, there was an Omnibot for everyone. The more expensive robots could be controlled remotely, or programmed via cassette tapes. Also: they could carry drinks, inevitably. Is carrying drinks such a chore that we need an expensive piece of electronics to do it for us?

RB5X

Clearly an attempt to evoke R2-D2, the RB5X was sold by the RB Robot Corporation as "the world's first mass-produced, popularly priced, working robot for home use and personal experimentation".

I'd suggest that the first thing that you want from a robot is that it works, so it's good to know that the RB5X was pushing this angle, should there be any doubt.

An optional robotic arm was capable of picking up and carrying objects, providing they didn't weigh more than "16 ounces". No trays of drinks for RB5X, then.

MR MONEY

Though not strictly a robot in the sense that it was a mostly mechanical device, Mr Money was another Tomy product. Essentially a tarted-up money box, placing a coin on Mr Money's oversized palm would result in him tipping it into his mouth, and swallowing it. This allowed 1980s youth to make the hilarious joke that it was his "dinner money".

NEWTON

Given that he had no arms, SynPet's Newton couldn't do much, beyond move around and talk a bit. He was also able to function as a sort of jumped-up telephone answering machine. I mean, what are you going to choose - a small, barely noticeable, box which sits next to your phone, or some massive, leaden-footed, panda-faced, cylinder, which meanders through your home as if it's in shock.

2-XL

2-XL - "You can call him Brainy" - might've been the saddest-looking robot of all time... and no wonder given that the most prominent text on his packaging was warning people what a danger he was to human life.

"You can call him Lethal," more like.

Essentially an educational toy, which worked via an 8-track cassette that was inserted into its abdomen, 2-XL/Brainy would ask questions and tell jokes.

QUESTION: What is the most dangerous toy of all time?
ANSWER: 2-XL!!!

ARCTEC GEMINI 

Arctec Systems sold the Gemini thusly: "The Gemini is the self-navigating, self-charging, multiple-processor-based, life size robot with built-in artificial intelligence operating system, speech recognition, speech synthesis, environmental sensors and a computer controlled propulsion system."

Yes... but what could it actually do?! Based upon the evidence above, it was a sort of high-tech postbox/leviathan's buttplug.

HEATHKIT HERO-1

Hero stood for "Heathkit Educational Robot". Look at that picture, though. Look at those bloody kids playing with their Hero-1 like it's their pet. All it can do is pick things up (slowly) and talk (badly). How is that educational? You'd learn a lot more if you just kicked it into the fire, kids.

MAXX STEELE

With a name that makes him sound more like a lewd movie star than a robot, Maxx Steele might've been a toy, but he was considerably more entertaining than many of the more expensive robots on this list. He could do the talking and lifting offered by most of the others... but get this: he also had a torch built into his hand. Oh well.

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
​THE 10 MOST STUPID MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE
​THE WORLD'S BEST WAX WORKS
​WHAT THESE 21 STUPID KIDS STUCK IN CLAW MACHINES CAN TEACH US ABOUT THE PURSUIT OF MATERIAL WEALTH​