10 PEOPLE WHO HAVE NEVER PLAYED DARK SOULS

Dark Souls! To play it is to love it, but can you believe there are people who exist on the planet who still haven't had the pleasure? There really are those who've never been returned to life inside a bonfire, or heard of the Furtive Pygmy.

Crazy, is it not? What could possibly be stopping them from embarking on this grim, relentless, cursed journey into the dangerous realm of Lordan?

We searched high and low to find ten people who've never enjoyed the unforgiving slog of playing the same bits of this ruthless hack-and-slash 'em up RPG over and over again. And this is they and they stories.

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10. FLYBERT "TROUSERS" HEMS

"I'm just too busy to play something of the sort that you describe. Slurrrrrrrp."

9. SHELBY W. YBLEHS

"I've never even heard of it. It doesn't really sound like my sort of thing. Slrrrrp... slurrrrrrrrrp."

8. DELBOY TRIGGER

"I think I've heard of it, but it's just not the sort of video game I'd be interested in. Slrrrrrpsssss-slrrrp.... slurrrrp. M'wah!"

7. NUTE GUNRAY

"I thought I had played it, but then I remembered I hadn't played it. Slurp-slurp-lickkkkkk."

6. MANKY C.

"No, I don't ever want to play anything called 'Dark Souls'. M'wah! M'wah! Slrrrrrrrrrp! Lick!"

5. GRANDPA COMEDY

"Sorry, I don't want to talk to you right now. I'm doing something. Slrrrrrrurrrrrrrp! Ssssssslurrrrrrrrrrp! Slurp! Slp!"

4. SNIFF TRUBERT III

"I'm a bit busy at the minute. Can we talk about this later? Slurrrrrrp! Slurp! M'wah! M'wah! Slurrrrrp!"

3. BLANDY FOOLYSH

"I'm really busy. Can you come back some other time? Slurrrrrp! Slurrp!"

2. CAPTAIN SALAMANDER

"I'm sort of in the middle of something. Can we talk about Dark Souls when I've finished? Thanks. Slurrrrp! Lick-licky-lick!"

1. SMELLY FURTADO

"Slurrrp... slurrrp... slrrrrrrrrrrrrp-mmmmmm... mmmm... Slurrrrrrrrp! Slurrrrrrp! Lick-lick-lick-lick-lick-lick! Mmm! Slurrrrp! Slurrp! Ssssssslurrrrrrrp! Mmmmm! Licky-licky!"

FROM THE ARCHIVE:

• 10 KIDS HAVING THE TIME OF THEIR LIVES AT DISNEYLAND
  
• SMILE! WE IMAGINE HOW THE GAME DESIGNERS BRUSH THEIR TEETH
  
• COMMON GAMER DREAMS ANALYSED - with Belvedere Pollon