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10 NINETIES TOYS THAT MODERN KIDS WOULD LAUGH AT

8/8/2017

38 Comments

 
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During last summer's Pokemon Go mania, my local off-licence put a sign on the door telling customers that if they wanted to hunt for Pokemon in their shop they have to buy something. It's debatable whether or not this discouraged adult players, or merely encouraged children to buy vodka.

Of course, the Pokemon Go fad burned brightly and then faded away - as we all knew it would - becoming just another short-lived youth craze. Frankly, modern kids don't know how good they have it with their high-tech toys and smart phones and Snapchat stories and fidget spinner-related injuries.

Here are just ten of the faddy toys we played with in the past..
TAMAGOTCHI
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Nearly 80 million Tamagotchis have been sold world-wide, since it launched in 1996. That's nearly 80 million virtual creatures who were left to starve to death after their owner's lost interest. Tamagotchi still exists as a brand - mainly in Japan where there have been various Nintendo DS games featuring the diminutive and boring egg creatures. 

​Now, of course, modern children don't care for virtual creatures; they instead prefer to feed their sense of entitlement and victimhood.
BARCODE BATTLER
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A version of Tamagotchi that you played with groceries - providing they had a barcode attached to them.  Scanning a barcode created a unique character or power-up, which players could use to fight against one another. 

Sadly, all this did was promote rampant consumerism - thus paving the way for the shallow and vacuous must-have capitalist Hell in which we now live.
SCANNERZ
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More or less the exact same idea as Barcode Battler, but with a more "edgy" design, Scannerz featured 126 monsters which could be "caught" by scanning barcodes into the device. 

It was basically an early version of Black Friday, but with pretend monsters. You know: rather than the actual monsters who camp outside Primark overnight just to fight a middle-aged mother to death for a pair of discounted leggings.
SOUND BITES
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For some reason, people thought this was a good idea; a lolly with a special stick that allowed you to record your voice, which you could only playback upon inserting the lolly into your mouth. The sound vibrations travelled through your teeth and jaw, see.

Naturally, modern children hear voices in their head all the time, and then go on Twitter to tell everyone that their medication isn't working. That isn't making fun of mental health. It's just what happens.
HITCLIPS
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Once upon a time, there were no iPhones. Back in the day, kids had Hit Clips - a portable music player, which played mono, one-minute clips of songs. The clips came in the form of collectible cassettes, featuring popular musical artistes of the day.

Today's youths are so damaged by the relentlessness of modern media consumption that they no longer have attention spans to listen to anything more than a minute long. In that respect Hit Clips was rather ahead of its time.
POO-CHI
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A robot dog, which couldn't do much other than bark, whine, and wiggle its ears. It could also "sing" those popular children's favourites, Camptown Races and Beethoven's Ode To Joy.

Present this electronic creature to a contemporary boy or girl and they'll probably end up doing a make-up tutorial on it, or film themselves throwing it at the face of a pensioner... "for views". You know: as a "social experiment".
TALKBOY
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Created for Home Alone 2 ("Get outta here, you nosy little pervert!"), the Talkboy was a variable speed cassette player that looked a bit like a cine camera. That was it.

Nowadays, having the word "boy" in the name of a product would result in the company being shamed on social media until they withdrew the product and issued a terrible apology which wouldn't go far enough for most of the complainants who wouldn't give up their campaign until the company's executives had publicly resigned and/or hung themselves.

Back in the 90s, there was also a pink version of Talkboy called Talkgirl, because girls only used to like pink things. That's how equality worked in the past.
YAK BAK
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The Yak Bak was based on a similar principle to the Talkboy - a device for recording the user's voice and playing it back. However, the Yak Bak stored its recordings on internal memory, and - depending on which version you owned - could add drum beats or alter the pitch. 

These days, kids don't just record their voices, but their faces too, because they really need the validation which comes with plastering themselves all over YouTube. Unfortunately, so insecure are they about their appearance - due to a culture that promotes unobtainable body ideals - that it's only the bad comments that stick. Try adding a drum beat to that.
FURBY
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Furby attempted a comeback in recent years - with LED eyes and a mobile app. However, it was such a phenomenon back in the day, that there were scare stories about it learning swear words and state secrets. Which was ridiculous; it was just a fluffy electronic toy which chirruped and batted its eyelids, like a particularly coquettish hamster.

Kids aren't interested in pets anymore - be they real or artificial. Instead, they only thing they choose to care for is the careful management of their "brand".
MONSTER IN MY POCKET
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As Pokemon has proven, kids love collecting things - even these rubbish, unarticulated, rubber monsters. 

Collecting has changed in the modern era; now it's all about collecting likes, retweets or shares. 
2-XL
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Intended as an educational toy, Tiger's 2-XL would tell jokes while trying to teach you things via 8-track tapes that were inserted into its chest. First released in the 70s, before being reintroduced in the 90s, its name was a play on the phrase "To excel" - which should give you a good idea of just what an irritating little Nazi it was.

If it was released now, it'd probably come with a tape full of tedious, po-faced, lectures about how eating animal products is wrong.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
​12 BIZARRE TOYS THAT WOULDN'T BE MADE TODAY
​
13 POCKET MONEY PRACTICAL JOKES THAT HARDLY EVER WORKED
10 MAIL-ORDER ADS FROM THE DAYS BEFORE GAMING​
38 Comments
Harry Steele
7/8/2017 10:54:32 am

Every time I use the self-service checkout I wonder how many barcode battle points my Tesco Essentials Mac N Cheese for One is worth

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Chris
7/8/2017 11:59:37 am

You could do a modern Barcode Battler as a mobile app, using the phone camera to scan barcodes.

It might be quite cool as an RPG-type thing where the barcode gives you your initial character stats, or something.

PS if anybody makes this I demand my 10% royalies, ta.

Reply
Unknown
10/8/2017 03:31:52 am

OK - let' make a deal, 50/50 with the royalties, just need you for advice too y'see. Up for it? I got more than enough assets laying around here as it is

Chris
10/8/2017 09:57:06 am

I'm in! Wait.. is that 50% of the 10% of 50% of the 100%?

Chris
10/8/2017 09:59:14 am

50% of the 10% OR 50% of the 100%?

(Mr B, can we have some sort of login/editing system please?)

Unknown
10/8/2017 11:45:16 pm

50% of the 100% - hmmm how to contact you? Not too comfortable with leaving my email on here (though I could always create a new one) - I'll check back in the morning, half asleep right now

Chris link
11/8/2017 10:11:37 am

You're actually serious? Erm, OK. Twitter? (link above) Or my first name at the domain linked from that profile.

Cc
11/8/2017 11:18:58 am

Never make a business deal with someone you only know as unknown.



Chris link
11/8/2017 11:23:32 am

Oh, I'm sure it's fine. I did a business deal with a lovely Nigerian fellow recently. Should be a cool $100m in my account shortly.

Alex AKA Unknown
11/8/2017 01:14:44 pm

Haha thanks for the contact info, I'm pretty far from Nigerian though they do say humans originated in Africa so who knows?

Dr Peanuts
7/8/2017 10:59:05 am

I had loads "Monster in my pocket" figures, all of them duplicates of the one who looks like Munch's The Scream or the little hunchback guy at the bottom right.

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Biscuits
7/8/2017 11:40:06 am

Hahaha right, I remember 'Baba Yaga' being s regular staple too. I still love em!

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Jol
7/8/2017 11:03:25 am

There are few things as exciting to a child as the phrase "commerce conflict".

Wasn't there a barcode scanner add-on for one of the proper handhelds (probably the Lynx)?

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
7/8/2017 03:59:01 pm

That would be the Nintendo E-Reader for the GBA.

I agree there almost certainly was something similar for the original Gameboy.

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Sam
7/8/2017 11:04:57 am

Aw gosh, DreamPhone! I wish I still had that.

"I know who it is, but I'm not telling, ha ha!"

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Harry Steele
7/8/2017 11:33:16 am

"What's your favourite scary movie?"

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RG
7/8/2017 12:00:10 pm

Eating animal products IS wrong!

Delicious and wrong. Mmm, delicious, tasty wrongness.

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Chris
7/8/2017 12:04:12 pm

Tamagotchi are making a comeback apparently.

I've told this story before, but back when I was temping in the nineties, my boss gave me her niece's Tamagotchi to look after (this is exactly the sort of task you get as a temp, along with filing, photocopying and making tea). Needless to say, not fully understanding either (a) how the bloody thing worked or (b) the importance of the task, I managed to kill it within hours after it had been alive for three months or something.

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Wrist Flapper
7/8/2017 12:16:44 pm

I can't be the only person who's noticed the Biffles has posted this from tomorrow.

My personal theory:
The Beeb have made him the new Dr Who after the outcry of those who get precious about kids TV shows. They're thinking that one season with the doc battling radio controlled arses and a Goujon John regeneration of the Master will have people begging for Whittaker. They do not understand what they have unleashed. This is where it begins my Digi-kin. Today will be remembered as the start of the revolution.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
7/8/2017 01:49:38 pm

Did anyone actually own a Barcode Battler?

And if so... why?

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Mrtankthreat
7/8/2017 02:04:11 pm

My cousin had one. His ma bought it for him. We tried to use regular bar codes from the shops but nothing happened. Only the cards that came with it worked. It was soon added to the long list of plastic tat that's clogging up the world.

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Sam
7/8/2021 09:13:54 am

Yes. Because it looked far more exciting in the advertising then it was in real life. I think it must have been a lot cheaper than a gameboy/gamegear.

It wasn't too bad. Basic hit points, attack points, armor points battles, but the pictures were on cards not on the screen (which could only display numbers). I never found any great barcodes, I just remember every type of keloggs cereal gave almost identical stats.

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Clockwork Fool
7/8/2017 02:08:06 pm

Man, I used to love Monster in my Pockets. They were such cool little thingies!

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THX 1139
7/8/2017 03:13:42 pm

"Tell us why the oil ran out, grandfather..."

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Spiney O'Sullivan
8/8/2017 11:52:53 am

Every so often I wonder what alien archaeologists will think of us based on what's left centuries from now.

Right now my main theory is that they'll think we were a polytheistic society who worshipped a vast pantheon of deities represented by crude icons crafted from the byproducts of dead ancient creatures.

And that's why the alien children of the future will be dragged on school trips to see the Alpha Centauri Funko Pop Museum.

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Chris
7/8/2017 03:23:55 pm

I never had a monster in my pocket, but I had one in my pants! Ha ha ha ha *cough* ha ha *splutter* ha *dies*

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Tutor Jr
7/8/2017 03:45:16 pm

I am going to use this news from the future to make lucrative investments and uncannily successful bets. By the time the real 8th August rolls around, I expect to be the world's wealthiest plutocrat.

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
7/8/2017 04:05:06 pm

Stupid collective figures like Monster In My Pocket totally do still exist - "The Grossery Gang" springs to mind.

Kids also like Tamagotchi stuff, like Angela the car who needs to be bathed constantly. That and thousands of god awful "Minecraft ripoff with guns" iPad games.

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
7/8/2017 10:09:47 pm

Angela the CAT, obviously. Though a persnickety car that needed constant washing would make for an equally amusing app. Not unlike our own car which doesn't like rain, snow, heat, cold, or being driven.

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DEAN
7/8/2017 05:50:51 pm

I didn't have any monsters in my pocket but I had things that looked very similar - M.U.S.C.L.E

They were all a sort of faux phallus pink colour.

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Biscuits
7/8/2017 06:38:31 pm

Some of my all time favourite toys, though I never had any.. I was just young enough on first exposure that they remained a very strange memory for the first few years of my life: hundreds of tiny, truly bizarre characters (a massive mouth on legs, a man made of bricks, a man with 8 arms etc etc etc), all with comically huge muscles, and as you say, all of them a pale salmon pink. I still like them today, but I bet they cost loads.

Seeing as you can buy 20 year old albums on vinyl from sainsburys and nerd culture continues to rise, maybe we'll start seeing 'reprints' of popular toys past and I can finally have some

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Lummox60N
7/8/2017 08:19:24 pm

I remember buying a bucket of M.U.S.C.L.E. figures, from Woolworths.
Got a good 3 hours of joy from them before the encroaching pointlessness began to gnaw at the experience.
An important life lesson, learned early, courtesy of vaguely homo-erotic little men.

Ninnikuman
8/8/2017 04:44:39 pm

I too used to be a big fan of the m.u.s.c.l.e. men when i was a child...Everybody possibly already knows this but imagine my surprise when I found out years later whilst in Japan they were all characters from the popular tv show/comic strip 'Kinnikuman'. You can buy bags of them over there for pittance - plus they have a variety of colours, not just the sweaty pink we had.

Carlos Nightman link
8/8/2017 11:53:29 am

Yes, I have two old McVities tins - one for Monster In My Pocket, and one for MUSCLE. They also came in multi colours - the same figure, just with added neon shame. The hours I spent with them, naming them, playing with them - good old Adam Papple, Bust Face, and Leprosy Man.

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FEoD link
8/8/2017 06:14:21 am

The Poo-Chi entry has clarified to me that make-up tutorials are an actual thing the yoots do and it wasn't just that nutter who painted her face to look like tenuously related Disney IP I happened across one time...
This and the cover to Confessions of a Chatroom Freak however have granted me insight in response to Biffos recent query to Patreons vis-a-vis rewards, in as much as I would now like to see a series of vidoes demonstrating his skills in this area that invariably devolve into him scribbling on his face with a blue biro...

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Harry from Barry
9/8/2017 04:49:37 pm

Don't forget Fleshlight. I doubt many kids would want to play with that today. They'd probably use 'online tools' to find real girls to do it with, the sad losers.

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Oliver Wright
9/8/2017 05:05:01 pm

Lovely article, but did I miss the Dream Phone part?

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Simon
11/8/2017 09:15:05 am

Seeing those Monster In My Pocket gave me a massive nostalgia feeling

Reply



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