During last summer's Pokemon Go mania, my local off-licence put a sign on the door telling customers that if they wanted to hunt for Pokemon in their shop they have to buy something. It's debatable whether or not this discouraged adult players, or merely encouraged children to buy vodka.
Of course, the Pokemon Go fad burned brightly and then faded away - as we all knew it would - becoming just another short-lived youth craze. Frankly, modern kids don't know how good they have it with their high-tech toys and smart phones and Snapchat stories and fidget spinner-related injuries.
Here are just ten of the faddy toys we played with in the past..
Of course, the Pokemon Go fad burned brightly and then faded away - as we all knew it would - becoming just another short-lived youth craze. Frankly, modern kids don't know how good they have it with their high-tech toys and smart phones and Snapchat stories and fidget spinner-related injuries.
Here are just ten of the faddy toys we played with in the past..
TAMAGOTCHI
Nearly 80 million Tamagotchis have been sold world-wide, since it launched in 1996. That's nearly 80 million virtual creatures who were left to starve to death after their owner's lost interest. Tamagotchi still exists as a brand - mainly in Japan where there have been various Nintendo DS games featuring the diminutive and boring egg creatures.
Now, of course, modern children don't care for virtual creatures; they instead prefer to feed their sense of entitlement and victimhood.
Now, of course, modern children don't care for virtual creatures; they instead prefer to feed their sense of entitlement and victimhood.
BARCODE BATTLER
A version of Tamagotchi that you played with groceries - providing they had a barcode attached to them. Scanning a barcode created a unique character or power-up, which players could use to fight against one another.
Sadly, all this did was promote rampant consumerism - thus paving the way for the shallow and vacuous must-have capitalist Hell in which we now live.
Sadly, all this did was promote rampant consumerism - thus paving the way for the shallow and vacuous must-have capitalist Hell in which we now live.
SCANNERZ
More or less the exact same idea as Barcode Battler, but with a more "edgy" design, Scannerz featured 126 monsters which could be "caught" by scanning barcodes into the device.
It was basically an early version of Black Friday, but with pretend monsters. You know: rather than the actual monsters who camp outside Primark overnight just to fight a middle-aged mother to death for a pair of discounted leggings.
It was basically an early version of Black Friday, but with pretend monsters. You know: rather than the actual monsters who camp outside Primark overnight just to fight a middle-aged mother to death for a pair of discounted leggings.
SOUND BITES
For some reason, people thought this was a good idea; a lolly with a special stick that allowed you to record your voice, which you could only playback upon inserting the lolly into your mouth. The sound vibrations travelled through your teeth and jaw, see.
Naturally, modern children hear voices in their head all the time, and then go on Twitter to tell everyone that their medication isn't working. That isn't making fun of mental health. It's just what happens.
Naturally, modern children hear voices in their head all the time, and then go on Twitter to tell everyone that their medication isn't working. That isn't making fun of mental health. It's just what happens.
HITCLIPS
Once upon a time, there were no iPhones. Back in the day, kids had Hit Clips - a portable music player, which played mono, one-minute clips of songs. The clips came in the form of collectible cassettes, featuring popular musical artistes of the day.
Today's youths are so damaged by the relentlessness of modern media consumption that they no longer have attention spans to listen to anything more than a minute long. In that respect Hit Clips was rather ahead of its time.
Today's youths are so damaged by the relentlessness of modern media consumption that they no longer have attention spans to listen to anything more than a minute long. In that respect Hit Clips was rather ahead of its time.
POO-CHI
A robot dog, which couldn't do much other than bark, whine, and wiggle its ears. It could also "sing" those popular children's favourites, Camptown Races and Beethoven's Ode To Joy.
Present this electronic creature to a contemporary boy or girl and they'll probably end up doing a make-up tutorial on it, or film themselves throwing it at the face of a pensioner... "for views". You know: as a "social experiment".
Present this electronic creature to a contemporary boy or girl and they'll probably end up doing a make-up tutorial on it, or film themselves throwing it at the face of a pensioner... "for views". You know: as a "social experiment".
TALKBOY
Created for Home Alone 2 ("Get outta here, you nosy little pervert!"), the Talkboy was a variable speed cassette player that looked a bit like a cine camera. That was it.
Nowadays, having the word "boy" in the name of a product would result in the company being shamed on social media until they withdrew the product and issued a terrible apology which wouldn't go far enough for most of the complainants who wouldn't give up their campaign until the company's executives had publicly resigned and/or hung themselves.
Back in the 90s, there was also a pink version of Talkboy called Talkgirl, because girls only used to like pink things. That's how equality worked in the past.
Nowadays, having the word "boy" in the name of a product would result in the company being shamed on social media until they withdrew the product and issued a terrible apology which wouldn't go far enough for most of the complainants who wouldn't give up their campaign until the company's executives had publicly resigned and/or hung themselves.
Back in the 90s, there was also a pink version of Talkboy called Talkgirl, because girls only used to like pink things. That's how equality worked in the past.
YAK BAK
The Yak Bak was based on a similar principle to the Talkboy - a device for recording the user's voice and playing it back. However, the Yak Bak stored its recordings on internal memory, and - depending on which version you owned - could add drum beats or alter the pitch.
These days, kids don't just record their voices, but their faces too, because they really need the validation which comes with plastering themselves all over YouTube. Unfortunately, so insecure are they about their appearance - due to a culture that promotes unobtainable body ideals - that it's only the bad comments that stick. Try adding a drum beat to that.
These days, kids don't just record their voices, but their faces too, because they really need the validation which comes with plastering themselves all over YouTube. Unfortunately, so insecure are they about their appearance - due to a culture that promotes unobtainable body ideals - that it's only the bad comments that stick. Try adding a drum beat to that.
FURBY
Furby attempted a comeback in recent years - with LED eyes and a mobile app. However, it was such a phenomenon back in the day, that there were scare stories about it learning swear words and state secrets. Which was ridiculous; it was just a fluffy electronic toy which chirruped and batted its eyelids, like a particularly coquettish hamster.
Kids aren't interested in pets anymore - be they real or artificial. Instead, they only thing they choose to care for is the careful management of their "brand".
Kids aren't interested in pets anymore - be they real or artificial. Instead, they only thing they choose to care for is the careful management of their "brand".
MONSTER IN MY POCKET
As Pokemon has proven, kids love collecting things - even these rubbish, unarticulated, rubber monsters.
Collecting has changed in the modern era; now it's all about collecting likes, retweets or shares.
Collecting has changed in the modern era; now it's all about collecting likes, retweets or shares.
2-XL
Intended as an educational toy, Tiger's 2-XL would tell jokes while trying to teach you things via 8-track tapes that were inserted into its chest. First released in the 70s, before being reintroduced in the 90s, its name was a play on the phrase "To excel" - which should give you a good idea of just what an irritating little Nazi it was.
If it was released now, it'd probably come with a tape full of tedious, po-faced, lectures about how eating animal products is wrong.
If it was released now, it'd probably come with a tape full of tedious, po-faced, lectures about how eating animal products is wrong.
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