Like a wardrobe lurker reaching out suddenly to slap a passer-by in the sternum, Farming Simulator 15 has been the surprise hit of this year's console charts.
Quite why there's such a thirst for a game that effectively recreates the implacable drudgery of modern agriculture is anyone's guess - though Farming Simulator is just the tip of a very routine iceberg.
Euro Truck Simulator, Train Simulator, Garbage Truck Simulator, Milliner Simulator... it seems that people can't get enough of humdrum virtual careers - which makes you wonder quite how dull their real lives are.
Here's a list of ten further games that have taken ordinary, monotonous activities, and attempted to turn them into entertainment. Ssss. Ssssssssss-ssss!
Quite why there's such a thirst for a game that effectively recreates the implacable drudgery of modern agriculture is anyone's guess - though Farming Simulator is just the tip of a very routine iceberg.
Euro Truck Simulator, Train Simulator, Garbage Truck Simulator, Milliner Simulator... it seems that people can't get enough of humdrum virtual careers - which makes you wonder quite how dull their real lives are.
Here's a list of ten further games that have taken ordinary, monotonous activities, and attempted to turn them into entertainment. Ssss. Ssssssssss-ssss!
10. ADVANCED LAWNMOWER SIMULATOR (ZX SPECTRUM)
Inexplicably, Advanced Lawnmower Simulator isn't the only grass-cutting game (see also Jeff Minter's Hovver Bovver), but it's probably the most basic and mundane. However - p-zing! - it was all part of an elaborate April Fool's prank by the much-loved Your Sinclair.
Reviewed in the magazine as a joke - listing the publisher as one 'Gardensoft' - the game itself was given away as a cover tape in the next issue. Further Gardensoft games were promised; a washing-up simulator (incorporating a drying-up simulator), and a launderette simulator.
In spite of this abject nonsense, Advanced Lawnmower Simulator developed something of a cult following, and there have several remakes over the years. Yeah, that's right, boys - stay in working on your lawnmoving remake while your real garden goes unattended.
What's that? You live in a dirty shared house and don't have a lawn? Oh, but of course...!
Reviewed in the magazine as a joke - listing the publisher as one 'Gardensoft' - the game itself was given away as a cover tape in the next issue. Further Gardensoft games were promised; a washing-up simulator (incorporating a drying-up simulator), and a launderette simulator.
In spite of this abject nonsense, Advanced Lawnmower Simulator developed something of a cult following, and there have several remakes over the years. Yeah, that's right, boys - stay in working on your lawnmoving remake while your real garden goes unattended.
What's that? You live in a dirty shared house and don't have a lawn? Oh, but of course...!
9. PHOENIX WRIGHT ACE ATTORNEY (DS)
Something of a classic, which you will all have heard of, Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney has somehow forged a franchise out of a man in a suit standing up in court and shouting "Objection!".
It's only a matter of time before Jury Duty: The Game becomes a reality: "Press X to pretend you're listening".
It's only a matter of time before Jury Duty: The Game becomes a reality: "Press X to pretend you're listening".
8. TRASHMAN (ZX Spectrum)
Another Spectrum classic, Trashman turns that most pungent of professions into a sort of saucy, 'Confessions of a Dustman' game. You were required to keep pace with your dustcart, while avoiding treading on neatly-mowed lawns, feral dogs, the sultry come-ons of the residents, and the traffic. It was Frogger with added busy-work, and the threat of stabbing yourself with a discarded syringe.
Less well remembered was the jet-setting sequel, Travels With Trashman, and the Amstrad exclusive Trashman Goes Moonlighting. A further game - Trashman In Time - was never released, but would've seen the titular bin-jockey going all Doctor Who on yo ass.
Incidentally, while researching this entry, we discovered a Health and Safety Executive report that stated that as much as 30% of lost time among refuse collectors may be attributed to poor hygiene education, lack of adequate washing facilities, and poor personal hygiene practices among staff.
So, the next time you mention in passing that dustmen are dirty and smelly, and someone jumps down your throat going all "Ooh, actually dustmen are really clean because they have to be"... direct them here. That's how you win arguments.
Less well remembered was the jet-setting sequel, Travels With Trashman, and the Amstrad exclusive Trashman Goes Moonlighting. A further game - Trashman In Time - was never released, but would've seen the titular bin-jockey going all Doctor Who on yo ass.
Incidentally, while researching this entry, we discovered a Health and Safety Executive report that stated that as much as 30% of lost time among refuse collectors may be attributed to poor hygiene education, lack of adequate washing facilities, and poor personal hygiene practices among staff.
So, the next time you mention in passing that dustmen are dirty and smelly, and someone jumps down your throat going all "Ooh, actually dustmen are really clean because they have to be"... direct them here. That's how you win arguments.
7. PAPERBOY (Arcade)
Remembered as something of a classic - not least for the arcade original's BMX bike handlebar controller - it's easy to forget that Paperboy was inspired by one of the most prosaic careers; one which many of its players were probably living every morning before school.
Of course, this was an American interpretation of newspaper delivery - with the titular character flinging rolled-up papers onto welcome mats. A British-influenced version would've replaced the handlebars with a letterbox and plastic newspaper controller. Which, doubtless, would've been open to all manner of whimsical and suggestive abuse.
Of course, this was an American interpretation of newspaper delivery - with the titular character flinging rolled-up papers onto welcome mats. A British-influenced version would've replaced the handlebars with a letterbox and plastic newspaper controller. Which, doubtless, would've been open to all manner of whimsical and suggestive abuse.
6. TAPPER (Arcade)
It must be horrible to work in a pub, having to facilitate people's drinking, while you remain dry. We often wonder about this... until about the third or fourth pint, and then we couldn't care less. Ha ha - it's fun to make jokes about alcoholism! "Alcoholism is a disease". No it isn't, stupid: it's a 24-hour party.
5. PAPERS, PLEASE (Various)
Papers, Please is something of a recent classic. While the idea of a playing an immigration officer may seem like a UKIP fantasy - you have to ascertain whether visitors to your fictional country are who they say they are, and then decide whether to let the buggers in - the game goes deeper than that.
From time to time, the player is presented with moral dilemmas; each of the would-be visitors has a story and a personality, and making the wrong choice will see your pay docked (or worse). This becomes problematic - because the more your pay is docked, the less well-equipped you'll be to provide for your family (from the basics, such as food and electricity, to family birthdays and medical emergencies).
It becomes a moral choice between obeying the rules to ensure you can support those you love (which will impact on the people you meet in your job), and doing The Right Thing. It's sort of genius.
Also: it sucks being an adult.
From time to time, the player is presented with moral dilemmas; each of the would-be visitors has a story and a personality, and making the wrong choice will see your pay docked (or worse). This becomes problematic - because the more your pay is docked, the less well-equipped you'll be to provide for your family (from the basics, such as food and electricity, to family birthdays and medical emergencies).
It becomes a moral choice between obeying the rules to ensure you can support those you love (which will impact on the people you meet in your job), and doing The Right Thing. It's sort of genius.
Also: it sucks being an adult.
4. FAKTEUR
Talking of it sucking being an adult... rarely does the postman bring good tidings. Short of the occasional Amazon delivery, it's bills and depression all the way, once you get past a certain age.
Fakteur is a very French postman 'simulator' - the bulk of the game has you riding your on-rails bike to deliver letters. But every night you get to choose which mail to deliver to your customers, by opening and reading them. Just like real postmen do. Depending on whether you choose to deliver depressing letters, or just the happy ones, you will directly alter the lives of your recipients, and the world around you.
Apropos nothing, we reckon somebody ought to do a Postman Pat episode where his black and white cat dies, severing his final links with sanity. Then he goes mental with a shotgun, locks himself in a windmill, and blows his own head off.
"Postal Pat, Postal Pat/Shot himself what d'you think about that?"
Fakteur is a very French postman 'simulator' - the bulk of the game has you riding your on-rails bike to deliver letters. But every night you get to choose which mail to deliver to your customers, by opening and reading them. Just like real postmen do. Depending on whether you choose to deliver depressing letters, or just the happy ones, you will directly alter the lives of your recipients, and the world around you.
Apropos nothing, we reckon somebody ought to do a Postman Pat episode where his black and white cat dies, severing his final links with sanity. Then he goes mental with a shotgun, locks himself in a windmill, and blows his own head off.
"Postal Pat, Postal Pat/Shot himself what d'you think about that?"
3. CAMPING MANAGER (PC)
A game in which you have to run a campsite, because other simulation games aren't already boring enough. Presumably, there are people out there who have always dreamed of running campsites. We don't know who those people are, or what might be wrong with them. But if they like campsites so much, why don't they marry one!?
Ooh, sick burn, bro.
Ooh, sick burn, bro.
2. VISCERA CLEANUP DETAIL (PC)
Have you ever wondered who cleans up the mess after you've finished blowing a bloody swathe through the games you play? Of course you haven't - that would be as ridiculous as wondering what the little people do after you turn off your telly at night. However, Viscera Cleanup Detail posits that, after you log out of your game, somebody has to go in and scrub the floors clean of the gore.
As a sort of space caretaker, you walk the halls of a space station using high-tech gadgets to search for every last speck of blood and guts - using mops, buckets, incinerators, and (in a nice nod to detail) 'wet floor' signs.
"Sir! The sign is a warning, not an invitation. Please get out of our hotel lobby."
We've all been there, right?
As a sort of space caretaker, you walk the halls of a space station using high-tech gadgets to search for every last speck of blood and guts - using mops, buckets, incinerators, and (in a nice nod to detail) 'wet floor' signs.
"Sir! The sign is a warning, not an invitation. Please get out of our hotel lobby."
We've all been there, right?
1. VIRTUAL DOG-WALKING (Arcade)
Something of a spiritual successor to Paperboy, this Japanese dog-walking simulator is perhaps most notable for its controller, which appears to resemble a small dog making a futile attempt at impregnating a kennel.
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