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10 MOSTLY USELESS NES PERIPHERALS

18/4/2018

20 Comments

 
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The NES was a phenomenon, or - as I like to call it - a "pheno".

Alright, most of us in the UK didn't own one, but in Japan and America it was bigger than Krablex. It reinvigorated the games industry following its crash of '83, spawned cartoons and breakfast cereals, and turned Mario into the icon he is today.

Suffice to say, this was a bandwagon that many people tried to jump aboard, no matter how ill-conceived and half-baked their efforts to do so were. 

You all know about the Power Glove and Nintendo's own Robotic Operated Buddy, but here's another ten unusual, mostly useless, peripherals.
ROLL N' ROCKER
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A plastic pressure-sensitive pad which replaced the D-pad. Players stood on it and tilted their body - while still gripping the joypad for the A and B buttons. Thus: "rocking" back and forth. However, despite the name, there wasn't a great deal of rolling required...

​Unless that referred to your parents rolling their eyes as you played with your new birthday present for five minutes, before putting it under the TV, never to be used again.
SPEEDBOARD
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""The Speedboard, the fastest way to play your Nintendo Entertainment System! Puts the speed at your fingertips! Increase your game scores! Better reaction time and speed! Holds your controller so you don't have to!"

No. The Speedboard was a tatty, overpriced, piece of plastic into which you crammed your joypad for some undefined and inexplicable benefit. Also doubled up as a chopping board, or could be used to block up the hole in the drywall that Old Man Hudson keeps peeping through.
LOCKOUT
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Essentially the console version of a Chasity belt, and the mid-80s equivalent of parents unplugging the wifi router, the Lockout was a combination lock which jammed into the NES cartridge slot, and prevented kids from playing games. And/or trying to have carnal relations with it.

"Martha! The boy's done it again..."

"We need the Lockout!"

SUPERCHAIR
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Unlike the Roll N Rocker, the Video Game Super Chair did away with the joypad entirely. Players sat in it, and controlled movement by - once again - tilting their body. Except: this time the pad's buttons were built into the "struts".

It's a nice idea in theory, but the chair was very cheap and flimsy, and not even having Tracy Beaker on the box - surrounded by "flak" - could disguise this. 
TURBO TOUCH 360 
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The Turbo Touch 360 replaced the d-pad with a touch-sensitive pad, in an effort to reduce thumb damage. It was even endorsed by a medical professional, one Dr Robert Grossman, an orthopaedic surgeon specialising in sports injuries.

I wonder what Dr Grossman thought of the misjudged magazine ad which seemed to imply that players could use the Turbo Touch 360 to self-administer their own gastroscopy. 
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U-FORCE
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"YOU TOUCH NOTHING!". Well, of course the U-Force didn't really work, as it was a predecessor to Microsoft's equally ill-fated Kinect, using IR sensors to detect where a player's hands were. In practice, the player waved their hands around like an agitated seal swatting at imaginary wasps. Still, at least it looked futuristic-y, even if its name was short for "U (will) Force (it into the bin)". 
HFC
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The best-intentioned of all the controllers on this list, the HFC - or Hands Free Controller - was a bulky vest-like unit designed for people with physical disabilities. Instead of using their hands, players could control games by "puffing and sipping" on a straw for the A and B buttons, and using their chin to control a D-pad.

​Never mind all that; what's that dirty boy doing with his hand? 

"He doesn't have control over his limbs. What's your excuse?"
FAMICOIN
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These "collectible coins" were designed to slip over the NES joypad's buttons and d-pad, and supposedly reduced finger strain. They also came with some attractive stickers which could be used to customise the "coins" - which no doubt helped them stand out among all your other ill-fated purchases.
DATA RECORDER
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Of course, there was no saving your game back in the 80s - so some bright spark released the Data Recorder, which allowed players to record their Famicom/NES game data on cassette tapes. Never released outside of Japan, the Data Recorder was designed to complement the Famicom BASIC Keyboard - which allowed users to create their own programmes.

Also, it could be used to play the latest albums by Midnight Oil and JJ "Fad".
POWER PAD
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Look: it's the predecessor to Wii Fit, and all those dance mat games. It was originally released by Bandai as a fitness product, but Nintendo later acquired the rights and re-released it as the much more sexily-named Power Pad.


Look at the people on the box; the family are all cheering the daughter's inability to even get onto the mat.

"You can do it, Sheena! Just one more step! It's right in front of you."

"I can't! It's too difficult!"

"We believe in you!"

"Stop trying to make me do things I know I can't do!" 

"Stop talking in that whiny voice."

"I hate you!"

​"Go to your room."

20 Comments
RichardM
18/4/2018 09:29:48 am

We had a big black plastic box with a lid, with dividers inside that the NES and some games fitted into. It was rubbish - didn’t really fit together properly - and was presumably foisted on my mother because she’s the sort of person who buys dust covers for things (love you, mum!). No idea if it was an official thing... probably not. I vaguely remember some Nintendo stickers on it.

Reply
Neptunium
18/4/2018 09:58:47 am

I had a SNES Turbo Touch 360. I bought it from the bargain bin at Tandy, it was unbelievably dirty and scratched to high heaven - and it was ridiculously cheap in the era when a "third party" joypad would typically retail for £20 - I think it cost me £2.

I used it a couple of times in SF2 to pull off Zangief's spinning pile driver, and then it sat in a drawer unloved until my mum probably threw it away. It was just a really awful controller since it lacked any feedback, but you can't deny it's one strength - allowing you to pull off the hardest move in SF2 once before being beaten mercilessly by your opponent because it was shit for anything else.

Reply
Guru Larry link
29/4/2018 01:26:36 pm

I got a Mega Drive Turbo Touch from a Cash Converters' bargain bin for 50p

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Gary Sidearm
18/4/2018 11:41:42 am

The lock out device brings back memories of an ad hoc system i set up for my snes, when i would leave the house i was convinced my younger step brother would be in my bedroom playing on her(my snes) so i would stick a very small piece(s) of self adhesive tape either side of the cart flap, if the seal was broken i would have proven that she had been played on and i could openly kick my step brother behind the knee, i called the device 74289$24**0.

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Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
18/4/2018 03:12:40 pm

I know I will be crucified on Tumblr by SJWs for daring to question this, but your step-brother used female pronouns?

Reply
Dave
18/4/2018 03:38:56 pm

I think it's the SNES that's supposed to be female.

Gary
18/4/2018 06:56:42 pm

Dave is correct, i was referring to the snes as 'her',sounds like someone maybe looking for a behind the knee kick.

DEAN
18/4/2018 07:47:18 pm

Brilliant!

My dad was a keen sailor (Edward Teach) and he always referred to his ship (Queen Anne's Revenge) as "her'.

Also, I've met car dealers before who refer to a car as "her" and "she".

"That's her logbook"
"She's only done 40,000"

If I ever meet a real woman who maintains a "log book" and has only done "40,000" then I shall shake her by the hand and wish I wasn't married and fat.

Alastair
19/4/2018 09:54:01 pm

I can't get a reply to Dean below but isn't "she" somewhat widespread as a pronoun for cars?

Reply
DEAN
20/4/2018 09:01:42 am

Could be!

I remember hearing people describe them that way when I was a kid but really not anymore unless it's a long in the tooth car dealer.

It's funny, though, right? I mean the opportunity for hilarious things being said is off the chart!

And it makes you wonder about the sex of other things. A penis, for example. I think mine's a she because she goes on and on!
*b'dum-tush*

There's a wee Vauxhall car called an Adam. Now, I know we live in gender neutral times but nobody is calling their daughter Adam. I mean Adam is the numero uno.

Citroen Picasso.

Ferrari Dino.

Audi Wanker.

Nikki
18/4/2018 11:55:33 am

I had a Turbo Touch 360, and it's the worst controller I've ever used. I thought I'd be able to do MK combos much more easily, but in reality there's no feedback about what direction you're touching and it's pretty much unusable.

Reply
Meatballs-me-branch-me-do
18/4/2018 03:13:46 pm

And yet idiots are convinced we want to try and play retro games on our touchscreen phones!

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Nikki
18/4/2018 08:28:54 pm

At least mobile phones can vibrate so there's *some* kind of feedback, as poor as it is compared to actual controllers

Raybies
18/4/2018 06:39:14 pm

Funny enough about Biffo's lack of Nintendo back then, ImI in Ireland and I saw a Sega Master System once ever.

I saw 3 NES systems, not including ones in shops.

Once the 16 bit era arrived though, tons of SNES but still fuck all Segas. The pull of Street Fighter II was too great.

Reply
Mrtankthreat
18/4/2018 08:44:29 pm

I'm from ireland too. I only remember one person having a master system as well but there wasn't too many Nes either. When 16 bit arrived mega drive did better in my school. It was definitely seen as the "cooler" option especially because of the sports games. It was very much a nerds vs jocks scenario. The lads who played sports were the cooler kids and had mega drives. The nerdier lads who didn't like playing sports, like me, had a Snes. Funnily enough I love playing sports now and consequently play video games less.

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Raybies
18/4/2018 09:09:09 pm

The jocks in my school had SNESs, it was all about SFII. There was no jock/nerd divide there, unlike everything else.

Mrtankthreat
18/4/2018 09:50:29 pm

Now that you say it there was also a divide between the Snes people. Basically you were an uber nerd if you got the Snes bundled with Super Mario World rather than Street Fighter.

Once Street Fighter came out on mega drive though it was academical. And it was the championship edition too so you could be the boss characters. Even SF2 turbo on the snes couldn't claw back any coolness points.

Once the playstation came out that was the end of it. Nintendo was for babies and had lost the playground.

Alastair
19/4/2018 09:55:51 pm

The same up North, one Mastersystem spotted in the wild years after the 8-bit era was over and a definite slew towards Nintendo in the 16-bit era.

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Alastair
19/4/2018 09:56:49 pm

Wow, how much would an original Nintendo brand tape deck go for now?

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Clive link
19/4/2018 11:16:42 pm

That Turbo Touch ad.... I'm dead!

Reply



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