Batman here. Due to some recent flooding in the Batcave (somebody clogged up the plughole with quinoa and left the shower running - yes, Robin: I'm fingering you for that one), I'm coming to you live from a pop-up gazebo in my back garden - my, if you will, "Batgarden".
The wifi isn't great out here, but it's just good enough for me to tell you that here are 10 further examples of the worst video and computer game cover artwork ever. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to pop back in and see what Robin's up to.
The last time I left him unsupervised for this long he draped spaghetti over my special pillow, placed a smashed lobster in my second-favourite briefcase, and scrunched up my sofa quilt. If he's done anything like that, I swear... this time, I'm going to stab him in the heart.
The wifi isn't great out here, but it's just good enough for me to tell you that here are 10 further examples of the worst video and computer game cover artwork ever. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to pop back in and see what Robin's up to.
The last time I left him unsupervised for this long he draped spaghetti over my special pillow, placed a smashed lobster in my second-favourite briefcase, and scrunched up my sofa quilt. If he's done anything like that, I swear... this time, I'm going to stab him in the heart.
10. COCK IN (C64)
Contrary to the cover artwork, Cock'In had nothing to do with poorly-illustrated New Romantics sporting a fleshy chicken flange on the tops of their heads while they dangle raw fish from a string. You actually played a cockerel, who had to defend eggs from a variety of farmyard pests - hedgehogs and dirty foxes and rats and that - by pecking them to death.
The title wasn't just cheap titilation, however; at choice moments you had to impregnate hens to ensure a steady flow of eggs into your henhouse - an act illustrated by disappearing through a "love door". Regrettably, the more hens you made sweet love to, the more your energy supplies depleted - thus making it harder to defend the eggs. There's probably some deep metaphor for life somewhere in there.
Frankly, we'd be slightly more interested in seeing a game where a couple of New Romantics try and run a battery farm.
The title wasn't just cheap titilation, however; at choice moments you had to impregnate hens to ensure a steady flow of eggs into your henhouse - an act illustrated by disappearing through a "love door". Regrettably, the more hens you made sweet love to, the more your energy supplies depleted - thus making it harder to defend the eggs. There's probably some deep metaphor for life somewhere in there.
Frankly, we'd be slightly more interested in seeing a game where a couple of New Romantics try and run a battery farm.
9. BLOOD N GUTS (C64)
Another C64 monstrosity, the cover of this "Ancient Barbarian Games" simulator piqued our curiosity for a number of reasons. Firstly, why the bald fellow is holding what appears to be a freshly-creamed shaving brush (maybe he just shaved his head?), and what that (we presume) marsupial is looking at exactly... Hopefully not his "blood n' guts".
8. TONGUE OF THE FATMAN (PC)
We'd love to be able to say that Tongue of the Fatman bucked the expectations established by its title and cover artwork, and was a classic early entry in the beat 'em up genre. Regrettably, this really is a case of having to judge a book (game) by its cover.
We're not sure what we find more disgusting - that nose moustache, the marbles shoved up the nostrils, or that unpleasant purple smear on his philtrum. Literally nausea-inducing.
We're not sure what we find more disgusting - that nose moustache, the marbles shoved up the nostrils, or that unpleasant purple smear on his philtrum. Literally nausea-inducing.
7. TREVOR McFUR AND THE CRESCENT GALAXY (Jaguar)
How could so much go so very wrong for one console? This is basically the flipside of Nintendo's Starfox - lacking all of that series' iconic charm, but stealing its idea of an anthropomorphised space pilot character. It's like everyone at Atari was trying to copy what the rest of the games industry was doing, by looking at it through the wrong end of a busted telescope.
Except it wasn't a busted telescope at all: it was the wrong end of a penguin's busted digestive system.
A horrible, horrible, side-scrolling shooter, Trevor McFur's garish, cut-and-paste cover artwork actually does a fairly accurate job of telling you what you're in for (unless you've misinterpreted, and expect to be in for some serious anthropomorphised feline spooning).
Except it wasn't a busted telescope at all: it was the wrong end of a penguin's busted digestive system.
A horrible, horrible, side-scrolling shooter, Trevor McFur's garish, cut-and-paste cover artwork actually does a fairly accurate job of telling you what you're in for (unless you've misinterpreted, and expect to be in for some serious anthropomorphised feline spooning).
6. THE GUY GAME (PS2)
The sort of thing you couldn't really get away with now, The Guy Game was a trivia challenge that rewarded players with bare breasts. We can see why that might appeal to the majority of cro-magnon males. What we can't see appealing to them is that leering goon with the microphone, who appears to be breaking wind at a bevy of bikini-clad women.
Still, he's bending forwards. That's going to make it easier to kick him in the lips.
Still, he's bending forwards. That's going to make it easier to kick him in the lips.
5. POSTAL 2 (PC)
For a game that puts you in the role of a mass-murderer, this cover probably does a reasonable job of showing us what it's actually like to be inside a psychopath's head - you know: teenage boys in shorts, an exploding car falling off a bridge... that sort of thing.
4. ZYBEX (ZX Spectrum)
Zybex was not a wholly terrible game - a side-scrolling shooter, which (rare for the time) featured a simultaneous two-player mode. It did, however, have wholly terrible cover artwork.
It's hard to choose our favourite element. Do we go for the expression of the guy in the bottom right, eyes rolled back into their sockets and all as he wields that wholly impractical weapon... or that misshapen grinning, gap-toothed head thing up there at the top, next to the penis buildings?
It's hard to choose our favourite element. Do we go for the expression of the guy in the bottom right, eyes rolled back into their sockets and all as he wields that wholly impractical weapon... or that misshapen grinning, gap-toothed head thing up there at the top, next to the penis buildings?
3. DUDES WITH ATTITUDE (NES)
One thing we usually think when we see a primary-coloured floating heads is "Dude!". Slap a pair of sunglasses on that primary-coloured floating head and we're gonna think "Dude... with attitude!".
2. X-MAN (ATARI VCS)
We've covered X-Man before, but we'd never seen the cover until now. It rather speaks for itself - though it's hard to know whether the mouth, crab and scissors have removed X-Man's genitals or his nose. Also, that "saucy" woman looks like she's had her lower four ribs removed.
1. BAD CAT (AMIGA)
We don't recall what sort of a game Bad Cat was. We don't really want to know. All we are sure of is that we can't look at this image without laughing. We think it's his face, and those psychic projection bubbles. Magnificently appalling.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
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