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10 MORE HORRIBLE GAMES ADS

16/3/2015

6 Comments

 
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We live in an enlightened age. A time when gaming is more inclusive than ever. Sadly, it was not always thus - and that is never better reflected than in the advertising of the day.

Here are 10 more questionable computer and video game adverts from before we (you) were even born.

Remember to turn off your ad-blockers, you appalling freeloaders.

10. BACK TO THE FUTURE: THE PINBALL
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So, you go to all the effort of hiring someone who bears a passing resemblance to Michael J Fox, and then you hire some random to play the part of Christopher Lloyd's Doc Brown. Are they meant to be portraying the characters from the popular movie series? If so, the costumes are all wrong (not least "Doc's" rolled-up cargo pants). Are they mean to be Back to the Future cosplayers? If so, the costumes are still all wrong (brown trainers? For Marty? C'mon...). Or are we meant to assume some sort of relationship between the two? If so, the costumes are probably fine. Let the imminent dry-humping commence!
9. ATARI COMPUTER CAMPS
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Hats off to Atari for inviting girls to attend their Atari Computer Camps. It feels progressive for 1983 - a time when, as soon we shall see, computers and video games really were considered a male-only pursuit. Unfortunately, they then go and spoil it by revealing the real reason girls like Atari Computer Camps: because there will be boys there. OhmygoshboyssocuteI'mgonnasqueeeeeee!
8. MC KIDS
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Well now. This has got it all going on. Desperation barely covers it. MC Kids was a McDonald's-sponsored platformer aimed at children. Of course, that rather limits the potential audience - as this flailing effort attests. By featuring one of the game's creators, Darren Bartlett, it attempts to tell us that this is no mere child's toy - nobody as "major cool" or "mondo crazy" as Darren Bartlett could ever create a game just for kids. Y'know... just look at him. But hey - Barlett is so totally way wild he didn't just create the MC Kids: he "mind-warped" them into the game.
7. DORKLY NINTENDO GEAR & STUFF
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It takes a moment to realise that the blonde-fringed lovely is stepping into a picture frame here and hasn't just gotten lost from the rest of his "jazz hands"  chorus line.
6. PALAMEDES
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The desperation dial has been cranked right up again with this ad for NES puzzler Palamedes. Look at that guy, erupting from the cheese there. We're assuming he's intended to be some sort of role model. Do you want to be like him, with his gelled spikes, shades, Hawaiian shirt and acid house badge? Or do you just want to run him over with a steamroller like we do?
5. ACCLAIM DOUBLE PLAYER
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Not a bad effort, but it's the choice of models here which grants us pause. They appear to have arrived fresh from Sunday school. And they seem to be sniffing those wrestlers. Not sure wrestler-sniffing was ever in the Bible, nice boys. "My wrestler smells like a moist dad".
4. DAIKATANA
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Poor Jon Romero and his Daikatana - one of the most over-hyped games ever, and quite rightly an enormous flop. Perhaps they'd have had a little more success if they hadn't chosen to promote the game with this fairly direct threat of sexual violence. We may be wrong, but we're pretty sure that anyone picturing themselves gagging on flaxen-haired man mountain Jon Romero is probably less likely to buy his game.
3. SEGA SATURN
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Well, here you go. Sorry, girls of 1995: you're not wanted. The Sega Saturn isn't for the likes of you. Get back in the kitchen where you belong. Us men have got important work to do.
2. GAME BOY
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Let us try to analyse what the message is here: that inserting an animal into the front of your underwear is "fun". Is it tickling him? Is it biting and scratching? Is it just the very idea of doing this that is "fun"? Or is there something else going on here? Something much, much darker? Whatever the case, the pallid star of this advertisement is so enjoying his Game Boy that he appears not to have noticed the wild animal gnawing through his genitalia.
1. GAME GEAR & SONIC BUNDLE
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Yes, it's another of those terrible Sega adverts that ran in Viz Comic back in the 90s. We sort of see what they're getting at, but ask any man and they'll tell you that the middle image is only going to inspire nausea, rather than the presumably intended urge to buy a Sega Game Gear. On the plus side, we suppose we have to give them credit for featuring both male and female naughty bits. We just wish the testicles weren't so painfully flattened.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
  • 15 HORRIBLE RETRO GAMES ADS
  • 10 FAILED CONSOLES
  • 10 BEARDED GAMES CHARACTERS
6 Comments
The School Boy
16/3/2015 05:03:06 am

I had a Mick & Mack game for my Game Gear. It was absolute rubbish, but since I was crap at Sonic and I accidentally permanently swapped Chakan The Forever Man for The Little Mermaid, I played it a lot a lot. A true wasted childhood.

Reply
FEoD link
16/3/2015 06:36:03 am

You just know the guy in the blue sweater in the Acclaim Double Header ad wants to touch lips with the other guy.

Obviously he'll *claim* it was an accident, but they're both fans of wrasslin' games, featuring wrasslin' men, with their shiny wrasslin' shorts and their wrasslin' communal showers and their wrasslin' Vaselin', so it's only a matter of time...

Reply
Harry Steele
16/3/2015 06:50:33 am

I would imagine 'anything' would be better than having a ferret down your trousers. That advert for Gameboy is literally advertising the entire contents of the universe, bar actually having a ferret down your trousers. Well played!

Reply
CrispyF
16/3/2015 01:43:43 pm

The more I look at that Saturn advert, the more I imagine the arms and legs of this twisted horror bending back on themselves with a stomach turning crackling sound and the whole hideous creature skittering off across the silk bed sheet of dispair to lurk around the darker corners of Silent Hill.

Reply
kelvingreen link
16/3/2015 02:18:47 pm

<i>Do you want to be like him, with his gelled spikes, shades, Hawaiian shirt and acid house badge?</i>

I sort of do, sorry.

WOZNIAK!

Reply
Lee Stewart
17/3/2015 12:36:43 am

That Matt Damon and Charlie Sheen have really let themselves go head-to-head wireless.

Reply



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