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10 monstrously awful practical computing magazine covers

14/11/2017

27 Comments

 
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You don't see a lot of airbrushing anymore. These days everything is Photoshopped to perfection; tools automatically adjusting the placing of images to ensure a graphic that is pleasing to the eye.

30 years ago, man discovered the airbrush, and for a while there was scarcely a book, album, video game or magazine cover which didn't feature the stumbling first efforts of graphic designers to get to grips with this new technology. You know: like a caveman accidentally inventing the wheel, and initially using it as a serving tray at dinner parties.

Some of the worst airbrush art of the era could be found on the covers of Practical Computing - a dull periodical. Here's a gallery.
MICRO BOOM
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Growing up in the 1980s, you were never less than five minutes away from reading/hearing that we were all about to die in a nuclear war. Not even Practical Computing was immune to the fear-mongering. Observe this mid-apocalyptic cover which - other than bluntly reinforcing the fragility of the Cold War geo-political situation - doesn't work on any level whatsoever.

Look at the cack-fisted way the computer is sort of superimposed on the mushroom cloud. It's like a terrible prog rock album cover by a band with a name like Persephone's Follicle, or Bilbo's Sternum, or Moonhormone.
SPECIAL ISSUE!
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Why is it a special issue? Because there's a 'phant on the cover, and it has floppy disks for ears, brah!

It makes a certain degree of sense; 'phants "never forget", and presumably the message they're trying to convey is that floppy disks will never forget your data, unless you put a magnet near them. Has anyone ever put a big magnet near an elephant to see if it gets amnesia? This must be done.

Really, with that sort of enquiring thinking I should've been a scientist, except for the fact that I vomit with anxiety whenever I see a sum.

Regardless, none of this particularly helps to explain why the 'phant is green.
PUB STOCK CONTROL
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Another of Practical Computing's trademark make-it-look-like-a-computer-and-to-hell-with-whether-that-works-or-not covers. So, here we have a sort of pub/computer monitor hybrid, with a patron of the boozer sat at a microchip table.

One of the biggest issues here is the tree in front of the pub, which - upon first glance - makes it look as if the establishment is cracking apart. Also: the corn-on-the-cob keyboard.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
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It's hard to know how this relates to the contents of the magazine, and it's not very good, but it's still better than most of the examples in this gallery. However, what's with the feller bottom left? What's his problem exactly?

​Alright, mate. Chill out, yeah?
RISE OF THE COWBOYS
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Behold a gurning cowboy wearing a penis hat. No messing about; this is one of the most unattractive pieces of art ever created.
PERSONAL MONEY MANAGEMENT
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From the most unattractive cover to the most boring. Was there any reason this couldn't have been a photograph, and save someone a couple of hours' work? I mean, what was the brief: "I dunno... two people standing in their kitchen, and a boy begging, and put a computer in there or something... oh just do what you want - I'm leaving next week anyway"?
THE CHILE EXPERIMENT
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What was The Chile Experiment? This bizarre, Python-esque cover isn't giving anything away. Maybe an experiment to see if the giant ghost of Charles Darwin can use a computer to point at things in South America?
HEALTH
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Good graphic design is about images which are understood immediately. This took me half a dozen attempts before I could work out what's going on. Part of the issue was the fact that the person (I presume it's a person) on the receiving end of the robot doctor's examination has about three times the normal number of teeth.
CHIPS
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Do you see what they did there? Fish... and chips!!! Except fish and chips fish is usually battered, and this fish doesn't even look as if it has been gutted let alone cooked, thereby making it appear to be the final meal of a doomed psychopath. Oh, and nice quilted placemat, looooserrrrrrrr!
BABY'S FIRST BYTE
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A woman feeds a baby a floppy disk. 'Nuff said.
27 Comments
Sam
14/11/2017 12:11:20 pm

Bloody hell.

I quite like the microchip table though.

Reply
Nick
14/11/2017 12:11:41 pm

I love that elephant.

Is his foot resting on a floppy drive that will be just slightly too small for his ears?

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Jareth Smith
14/11/2017 12:23:09 pm

The elephant with the floppy disk ears... that's brilliant. That should exist. The baby at the end is just disturbing, though.

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Gosunkugi, King of Prog
14/11/2017 12:27:25 pm

Moonhormone reformed briefly in the 90s, minus founding member and chief lute stroker Nigel "Asparagus" Tips. I had the chance to see them supporting Gene at The Good Mixer, but it was the wrong venue for them, the crowd were expecting mournful, sub-Smiths ballads about microwave meals for one, instead they got 30 minute madrigals and an ode to Tarl Cabot and the Gorean cycle. Not to mention the new member was apparently a twelve-year-old boy in a burlap sack dress, crawling around under the drums and occasionally smacking a melon.

I thought they were alright, myself.

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Fish's finger
14/11/2017 05:11:41 pm

So a Marillion tribute band then?

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Gosunkayleigh
14/11/2017 07:49:47 pm

You may mock, but their rendition of Man of a Thousand Faces played entirely on Bird's custard tins has to be heard to be believed.

Jabberwoc
14/11/2017 12:30:13 pm

INDUSTRY FACT-LETTE: The fish was killed by a stamp to the head by the green elephant.

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Mrtankthreat
14/11/2017 12:33:52 pm

Rather than making it look like it was cracking apart I initially thought the tree made it look like the pub was under attack from some kind of mutant spider-like creature.

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Treacle
14/11/2017 12:37:30 pm

I must form a band called Persephone's Follice as frankly it's too good a name to waste. Disc eared green 'phant is the clear winner and isn't. the bloke giving the eye on the fairground cover Sicknote out of London's Burning?

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Bobby Chuckles
14/11/2017 05:28:06 pm

I think you'll find that's actually John Sessions.

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Jol
14/11/2017 01:07:27 pm

Microboom: Is the horse that is apparently surviving the nuclear apocalypse a tribute to Edwin Muir? I can't think of any other reason for it being there.

I kind of like these. They're not exactly 'good' in the conventional sense of being technically competent and aesthetically pleasing, but they are enjoyably naff.

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biscuits
14/11/2017 03:12:53 pm

Agreed, very endearing images of a bygone era. I'm not so sure about the 'u' in 'computer' though...why's it like that, dad?

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Jol
14/11/2017 04:48:30 pm

Son, here is why: 'µ' is the symbol for micro - it's probably Greek or Latin or Cimmerian or something, so presumably a microchip reference. Or should that be µchip?

£29.99
14/11/2017 05:02:42 pm

Well son it obviously means it's pronounced 'compmuting'. Although don't take my word for it, look it up on your compmuter and stop bothering me while I deface your mother's grouting

John Veness
14/11/2017 02:20:31 pm

I'm going to make an appointment with my gentleman's outfitters to get myself a RML 480Z outfit.

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Chris
14/11/2017 04:34:34 pm

Please, what is "educational pinball"?

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Biscuits
14/11/2017 04:40:18 pm

You know, like on Sesame Street

one two three FOUR five, six seven eight NINE ten, ELEVEN TWELVE

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The Count
14/11/2017 06:14:26 pm

HA HA HA!

colincidence link
14/11/2017 06:55:04 pm

but I didn't think about the fall out

Treacle
15/11/2017 10:18:19 am

Genuinely lol'd, cap doffed Sir.

Kelvin Green link
15/11/2017 08:37:31 pm

I have a clear memory of that line ending in "THIRTEEN!" but no one else remembers it and I can find no version of the animation that features said number, all of which leads me to suspect that I have glimpsed an alternate universe in which Sesame Street was made my Satanists.

Scott C
14/11/2017 06:32:49 pm

More fockses and swanses next time please.

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colincidence link
14/11/2017 06:54:34 pm

Nice of Taylor Swift to show up for PERSONAL MONEY MANAGEMENT.

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bol
15/11/2017 08:12:03 am

lol!

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Matt Lewis
15/11/2017 12:51:43 pm

First one looks like Tony Blair, both before and after being drained by the responsibility of holding high office.

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Stuart
15/11/2017 01:56:08 pm

I think the experiment in Chile was neoliberalism. Could be wrong, but it sort of tallies with the date of that issue (1981). Reagan/Thatcher tried it there before adopting it wholesale in their respective countries.

Also, in the 'Health' issue, is that one of those claw/grabber toys we commonly had as kids?

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David
6/2/2022 07:52:10 pm

The cover with the R stick and teeth in the comments it says more teeth than three time the normal number of teeth. Well it's the correct number of teeth and there on a denture, how do I know? I made the dentures in the photo that's how I know. Great to see the image again.

Reply



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