Believe it or not, video games have not always existed. At least, not in the form you know them.
Once upon a time, entertainment was harder to come by; you couldn't just press a button on a screen and be granted access to the entirety of everything, downloading games and movies in the blink of an eye, or ordering a novelty shower curtain to be delivered by an Amazon drone within the hour.
Once upon a time, people actually had to expend a degree of effort, by writing off to mail-order companies for products that offered the world - but rarely delivered. Here are ten gems from that misty, long-forgotten era.
Once upon a time, entertainment was harder to come by; you couldn't just press a button on a screen and be granted access to the entirety of everything, downloading games and movies in the blink of an eye, or ordering a novelty shower curtain to be delivered by an Amazon drone within the hour.
Once upon a time, people actually had to expend a degree of effort, by writing off to mail-order companies for products that offered the world - but rarely delivered. Here are ten gems from that misty, long-forgotten era.
10. SEA-MONKEYS
Everyone of a certain age would've seen this ad. It promised so much - an entire kingdom of wrongly sexy aquatic mammals, that you could lord over like a god. Sadly, for those of us in the UK, we could but dream; Sea-Monkeys weren't even available here until some time in the nineties. It was only then that we realised they were nothing but brine shrimp, floating scab-like flake things that were less a family of beaming, aquatic mammalian society, than a psoriasis sufferer's bath water.
9. X-RAY SPECS
Oh, X-Ray Specs... how you let us all down. A common theme amid the old mail order ads is how many of the products are specifically tailored to peeping toms; hypnosis coins, spy cameras and scopes... and X-Ray Specs, which were simultaneously sold as "An hilarious optical illusion" and as a miracle of technology that allowed you to see all the nude parts of a lady. What did you actually get? Some cheap plastic and cardboard glasses, with a red feather stuck over the lenses, and a reputation as a gullible pervert.
8. DARLING PET MUNKEE
http://www.fiendishplan.com
Look at this darling pet monkey - sorry... "munkee". Bet you can't wait for him to arrive, so you can force a Chupa-Chup in his gob. But why stop there? Peel back his lips and shove a deep-fried Mars Bar right in there. Do it. Go on - do it. Actually... sod it - go nuts. Pour a packet of Sea Monkeys down his throat! He'll love that too, probably.
7. HAUNTING SOUND EFFECTS RECORD
What we enjoy about this ad is the excessive detail - which implies a cacophony of noise that would be more deafening/annoying than truly terrifying. Wolf howls, creaking doors, rattling chains... and only then will you hear a man's voice (we imagine a well-spoken BBC announcer) intoning: "Good evening. I'm afraid to inform you that this house is haunted, and you are going to die one by one".
But wait! There's more! Footsteps, people fighting, glass breaking, hideous laughter, terrible shrieks and screams, eerie moaning, and then more footsteps, and more screams... Close your eyes, and you could be on a Glaswegian hen night.
But wait! There's more! Footsteps, people fighting, glass breaking, hideous laughter, terrible shrieks and screams, eerie moaning, and then more footsteps, and more screams... Close your eyes, and you could be on a Glaswegian hen night.
6. "HAPPY" THE COWBOY
http://klappersacks.tumblr.com
Gone are the days you could buy a child's toy that smoked. Still... at least it makes him "happy". And at least he comes with a washable plaid shirt, which he's going to need. No wonder he thinks he's terrific, that arrogant little twat.
5. BAG FULL OF HORRORS
http://boysandghouls.podbean.com
This one's a whole bag of crazy. Literally. Who wouldn't want to own an amazing bag with contents that will make you and your friends scream with fright? Or a "winking third eye" that can rise, jump, dart, float in the air - even when you hide far away? Or a magnetic slimy creature? Apparently, the bag contained everything you needed to put on a spooky horror show. Come for the Jumping Octopus... stay for the Peeping Skeleton Hands.
4. CUBE LUBE
http://gone-and-forgotten.blogspot.co.uk
Kids, here's a tip: don't fork out $2 for Cube Lube - your parents probably have something in their bedside table, that works just as well.
3. CHEZ-ELLE
We have a suspicion that CHEZ-ELLE was actually chloroform, and the reason her husband would come home at night to help her was because she'd passed out, and choked on her own vomit. Talking of which...
2. IMITATION VOMIT
We used to own some of this imitation vomit. It was surprisingly realistic, and did indeed look like someone had been SICK, SICK, SICK! We know we're snobs, but the imitation vomit you get today wouldn't fool anyone - no matter where you placed it; baby, dog, dinner table, Bulimics Anonymous meeting...
Also, what's going on with the fat Tintin in the illustration? Is that an early attempt at the cinnamon challenge?
Also, what's going on with the fat Tintin in the illustration? Is that an early attempt at the cinnamon challenge?
1. THE ELECTRONIC MAN
Here he is, courtesy of The Brain (whom we assume to be some sort of comic book-style Megalomaniac)! We're not sure what to make of this would-be Robot of the Future or Man From Mars. He mostly looks like a happy combi boiler or iron lung, with a couple of what appear to be padlocked hatches positioned at strategic points over the wearer's left knee and upper groin area.
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