So, after the NES Classic and Super NES Classic, the rumours are wafting that Nintendo is planning some sort of Game Boy Classic.
It makes sense; nearly 120 million Game Boys were sold worldwide, and it was the machine that all good folk owned - from kids to their parents to First Ladies and Last Ladies.
If it is happening, presumably it won't be miniaturised like its sister machines - because that would be ridiculous - and it had better not require batteries, and needs to have a decent, back-lit screen, and a little vent that dispenses an edible protein paste called "Miyamoto Mulch".
What games would Nintendo stuff into the pelvic keyhole of this so-called "Pale Henry"? Here are the runners and riders.
It makes sense; nearly 120 million Game Boys were sold worldwide, and it was the machine that all good folk owned - from kids to their parents to First Ladies and Last Ladies.
If it is happening, presumably it won't be miniaturised like its sister machines - because that would be ridiculous - and it had better not require batteries, and needs to have a decent, back-lit screen, and a little vent that dispenses an edible protein paste called "Miyamoto Mulch".
What games would Nintendo stuff into the pelvic keyhole of this so-called "Pale Henry"? Here are the runners and riders.
TETRIS
As the pack-in game which sold a billion trillion Game Boys (just under 120 million), Tetris was the only Game Boy game which everyone played. Literally everyone.
I have fond memories of Christmas 1991, and my shrieking mother being hooked on it as much as I was. Surely everyone remembers that first time they got their lines into triple digits - and that horrible, one-more-go, feeling of desperately trying to do it again?
There's probably a drug reference in there, if I've fully understood the terminology in songs by coolboyz and HBO dramas, but having never done no stuff like that you'll have to... well... I dunno. Drugs, eh? Cool and funny! Ha ha.
And lest we forget that Tetris theme music; as toasted into your brain as that time you fell over a waterfall and had to be rescued by a sweet little octopus.
Also, Nintendo should've released a range of Tetris crockery called "Tetri dishes".
I have fond memories of Christmas 1991, and my shrieking mother being hooked on it as much as I was. Surely everyone remembers that first time they got their lines into triple digits - and that horrible, one-more-go, feeling of desperately trying to do it again?
There's probably a drug reference in there, if I've fully understood the terminology in songs by coolboyz and HBO dramas, but having never done no stuff like that you'll have to... well... I dunno. Drugs, eh? Cool and funny! Ha ha.
And lest we forget that Tetris theme music; as toasted into your brain as that time you fell over a waterfall and had to be rescued by a sweet little octopus.
Also, Nintendo should've released a range of Tetris crockery called "Tetri dishes".
SUPER MARIO LAND 2
Super Mario Land was great, but hardly the prettiest game ever. Indeed, many of those iconic Mario visuals were barely recognisable, so simplified were the graphics. What was that jumping butterfly/grasshopper thing?!
Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins brought SNES-levels of chunkiness to the visuals, a feat which was built upon for the next game in the series, Wario Land. Let's have that in the Game Boy Classic too, dude.
Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins brought SNES-levels of chunkiness to the visuals, a feat which was built upon for the next game in the series, Wario Land. Let's have that in the Game Boy Classic too, dude.
DONKEY KONG
Aside from offering a pretty much perfect recreation of the arcade original's levels, the Game Boy version of Donkey Kong then opens up into another 97 levels, with new gameplay which required Mario to retrieve a key in every level.
Thus, this was a Mario game in all but name, and the climactic stage featured a mutated Donkey Kong - prior to his later rehabilitation following his conviction for human abduction, and a 10-stretch in "monkey prison". He's a damn dirty ape. Or was. People can change, you know. Even primates - or should that be... pri-inmates?!?!
No. Just... don't.
Thus, this was a Mario game in all but name, and the climactic stage featured a mutated Donkey Kong - prior to his later rehabilitation following his conviction for human abduction, and a 10-stretch in "monkey prison". He's a damn dirty ape. Or was. People can change, you know. Even primates - or should that be... pri-inmates?!?!
No. Just... don't.
POKEMON RED/BLUE/YELLOW
Before Pokemon became ubiquitous, we had the games which made it ubiquitous. I had the Blue and Yellow editions, which were the only Pokemon games, apart from Snap, Stadium and Go, which I have played at any sort of length. Playing it now, it reveals it was basically a unique take on RPGs - and acted as a gateway drug to gaming for many, including one of my own kids.
And kicked off scores of endless corrections about how you pronounce "Pokemon". I do it wrong, apparently. Who cares? Cheque please.
And kicked off scores of endless corrections about how you pronounce "Pokemon". I do it wrong, apparently. Who cares? Cheque please.
THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: LINK'S AWAKENING
Having started life as a port of A Link To The Past, Link's Awakening grew into a game in its own right that stands up alongside its SNES brethren due to its depth and visuals. It also threw side-scrolling sections into the mix - a la Zelda 2 - while introducing jumping, fishing and an ocarina to the series.
"Ocarina later!".
"Ocarina later!".
KIRBY'S DREAM LAND
A Nintendo icon who doesn't get the credit he deserves - perhaps because he's a weird marshmallow thing who inhales his antagonists in a way that would get anybody else locked up - Kirby's slower-paced gameplay and bold visual style made it perfect fit for the Game Boy's deservedly maligned screen.
Though designed as a game for people who weren't familiar with platformers (you know: idiots), a hidden bonus hard mode ensured that even more experienced players could get something out of it. If they could overlook the weird marshmallow character who inhaled things.
It's not that big a deal, really. I'm making a fuss over nothing, for some reason.
Though designed as a game for people who weren't familiar with platformers (you know: idiots), a hidden bonus hard mode ensured that even more experienced players could get something out of it. If they could overlook the weird marshmallow character who inhaled things.
It's not that big a deal, really. I'm making a fuss over nothing, for some reason.
FACEBALL 2000
This blew my mind at the time - a proper first-person shooter on the Game Boy shouldn't have been possible, but somehow they managed it. It was a port of the shareware PC title Midi Maze, and though it hasn't exactly stood the test of time, it remains a landmark of what was achievable on the Game Boy.
Astonishingly, the link cable allowed 16 people to play simultaneously. Imagine having 16 friends? I struggle to keep up with the half a dozen I do have. Though that's mostly out of choice, because I'm a terrible person, and I go to bed at 8pm most nights.
Astonishingly, the link cable allowed 16 people to play simultaneously. Imagine having 16 friends? I struggle to keep up with the half a dozen I do have. Though that's mostly out of choice, because I'm a terrible person, and I go to bed at 8pm most nights.
METROID 2: RETURN OF SAMUS
That it has recently been given a 3DS update should tell you what you need to know about Samus Returns. It offered the same non-linear gameplay as every other title in the series, while also managing to add new weapons and abilities.
Did you know that Samus Arran is actually a lady? Well, I know you know now, but nobody did at the time. Ha ha - you were being emasculated all along!
Did you know that Samus Arran is actually a lady? Well, I know you know now, but nobody did at the time. Ha ha - you were being emasculated all along!
HARVEST MOON GB
The perfect handheld game, given its gentle gentle measure and cutesy farming, Harvest Moon was the second game in the series, coming out a year after its Super NES predecessor. It worked far better on the Game Boy, for my money, where you could grow your veg on the bus or - as I am wont to do - the lavatory.
"Oh look - a sweet potato! And now for some sweet potato mash... and is that... blood !?! I should probably see a specialist."
"Oh look - a sweet potato! And now for some sweet potato mash... and is that... blood !?! I should probably see a specialist."
MOLE MANIA
Scarcely remembered by anybody, Mole Mania is one of the great lost Shigeru Miyamoto games. Sadly - despite featuring a would-be gaming icons in the form of Muddy Mole and his enemy Farmer Fartigan (Jinbel), and some typically inventive Miyamoto puzzle-based mechanics that ensured it played like a series of Zelda dungeons (Muddy Mole had to roll a ball around the levels, and could use it in a variety of ways to unlock the exit) - it somehow failed to gain an audience.
Has anybody ever seen a mole in real life? We've all seen molehills, but why no moles? What's that all about? Frankly, there's more evidence of the existence of ghosts and zombies than there are moles.
"Doctor, doctor, I've got a large mole on my back."
"No, that's a tenrec, a species of mammal typically found in Madagascar. Yes, I did have to look that up on Wikipedia. Get out of my office, brah."
Has anybody ever seen a mole in real life? We've all seen molehills, but why no moles? What's that all about? Frankly, there's more evidence of the existence of ghosts and zombies than there are moles.
"Doctor, doctor, I've got a large mole on my back."
"No, that's a tenrec, a species of mammal typically found in Madagascar. Yes, I did have to look that up on Wikipedia. Get out of my office, brah."
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