"Star jumps!" Sonic The Hedgehog has a lot to answer for. Though the "hedgehog with attitude" was created by Sega as a shameless answer to Mario - emerging from their fuzzy loins as a fully-formed corporate mascot - his success in the early-90s inspired wave after wave of me-too games characters "with attitude".
Sonic isn't what he once was - Sega has failed to keep pace with the times, and the 'hog's star is now more a rusty starfish - but here are just a few of those who wanted a slice of Sonic's anthropomorphic pie, but ended up choking on it. We salute their passing... with a loud, anal rasp.
Sonic isn't what he once was - Sega has failed to keep pace with the times, and the 'hog's star is now more a rusty starfish - but here are just a few of those who wanted a slice of Sonic's anthropomorphic pie, but ended up choking on it. We salute their passing... with a loud, anal rasp.
10. BUG
Bug's got the gloves, the red shoes, the big eyes, and the nudity - but further adding to his Sonic credentials, he's even a Sega character. While Bug's debut on the Saturn - a side-on platformer, with a sort of 3D effect - was generally well-received, the sequel, Bug Too!, failed to imbue sufficient longevity into the character for the series to go any further. This was despite the inclusion of a couple more playable characters with "attitude" - Maggot Dog and Super Fly. Unfortunately, Bug's faeces-eating smirk (giving he's a bug - we mean that quite literally) makes him immediately unlikeable.
9. GEX
No gloves or shoes, but the horribly unappealing Gex does sport a dinner jacket (albeit while remaining naked from the waist down - a look we're surprised the arch-copulist James Bond hasn't ever gone in for). At least, that's his outfit for this needless sequel; on the cover to his previous game, Gex merely lounged against a wall wearing nothing but a pair of sunglasses. Because that's what having "attitude" is all about, apparently. Try telling that to the judge.
8. CONKER
The first of two squirrels in this list, Conker's "attitude" is an interesting one, as he was originally conceived as a family-friendly character, before Rare had some sort of mid-life crisis, and decided to turn him into a foul-mouthed alcoholic. Inexplicably, the game was passed - scatalogical humour and all - by Nintendo with only the minimum of censorship. As for his Sonic-ness? Gloves, trainers (and a cardigan), and he's leaning against something. "Attitude"!
7. COOL SPOT
Trainers, gloves, sunglasses, he's on a surfboard, and he's called "Cool" Spot - if that doesn't scream "attitude" (or, at the very least, "desperate") we don't know what does. Unfortunately, Cool Spot is also a corporate mascot for a brand of soft drinks, which slightly detracts from his alleged coolness. You're working for The Man, Cool Spot. Sell-out.
6. RADICAL REX
No shoes, no gloves, but at least he's on a skateboard, he's called "Radical" Rex, and he's out to "shred prehistoric pavement". Apparently, the game was originally called Baby T-Rex - which tells you all you need to know about the cynical contrivance that led to most of these woefully desperate characters.
5. BUBSY THE BOBCAT
The day Bubsy The Bobcat returns to the games industry is the day we slice our throats open with a biro. That aside, we've just noticed he appears to have erections for fingers. Disgusting.
4. CRASH BANDICOOT
It's hard to believe that Naughty Dog wasn't always producing slick, cinematic, third-person action games; once upon a time it was producing slick, cartoonish, third-person action games, like Crash Bandicoot. Though we've included him on this list, we're not actually convinced that Crash is striving to portray "attitude" - for a start he's the only one of these characters to bother covering his genitalia with a pair of trousers. And those manically clenched teeth more suggest sociopath than anything else.
3. CHESTER CHEETAH
Oh dear oh dear. Chester Cheetah - the Cheetos mascot - is quite the try-hard. He's nude apart from the trainers and the sunglasses, but he rides around on a cheetah-print motorcycle, claims to be "Too Cool To Fool", and lives somewhere called "Hip City" (which, we admit, could actually be the name of a wholesale retailer that provides prosthetic pelvises to the medical industry).
2. ROCKY RODENT
We remember nothing about Rocky Rodent. But we can see he's got the Sonic gloves and trainers, but he's also wearing a minidress. Interesting. We're not quite sure what to make of his massive, lolling tongue either - but judging from the look on the face of that angry motorist, he's just used it without consent.
1. MR NUTZ
And so, back to the classic trainers and gloves (albeit fingerless in this case). Presumably, this allows the character greater control when handling his nuts. Yes, it's the most obvious joke we could've possibly made, but we went there. Now spend the rest of your day trying to erase the mental image of a sassy squirrel fiddling with his testicles.
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