If we listed every console that failed postpartum, or gagged on its own sternum before even hitting the market, this list would be about two, or two-and-a-half, times as long. Which would mean it would take, well, slightly longer to write and... we're not your bloody slaves, so back off.
Nonethelesss, we have cherry-plucked ten of the more notable console failures for your enjoyment. Let The Celebration of Defeat commence!
Nonethelesss, we have cherry-plucked ten of the more notable console failures for your enjoyment. Let The Celebration of Defeat commence!
10. AMIGA CD32
Seeing the home computer market slithering into a bin before its very eyes, Commodore made a last-gasp, early-90s attempt to look with-it, by repackaging its Amiga to look a bit like a console.
Not even a depressingly woeful TV commercial - that tried to sell the system on the strength of how many colours could be displayed on screen at any one time (every gamer's priority, even then) - could prevent this cheap-feeling box of acrid cat vomit from having all the staying power of an impotent drifter. Consider it the gaming equivalent of a 38 year-old man rocking up to student night at a university bar while cosplaying as Chun-Li.
And to think... they all sneered at us when we said the Amiga was dead. Idiots.
Not even a depressingly woeful TV commercial - that tried to sell the system on the strength of how many colours could be displayed on screen at any one time (every gamer's priority, even then) - could prevent this cheap-feeling box of acrid cat vomit from having all the staying power of an impotent drifter. Consider it the gaming equivalent of a 38 year-old man rocking up to student night at a university bar while cosplaying as Chun-Li.
And to think... they all sneered at us when we said the Amiga was dead. Idiots.
9. KONIX MULTISYSTEM
Konix was known in the 80s as a peripheral manufacturer, so when the company announced it was working on its own console it's little wonder that the thing was a peripheral-laden monstrosity.
The Multisystem was meant to arrive with a controller that could transform from joypad to steering wheel to joystick - and optional extras including light guns, and that hydraulic chair thing above (as demonstrated by "Jumper Jesus"). We do confess to being more than a little excited when we saw previews in the games mags. Unfortunately, Konix bit off more than it could chew with the Multisystem - and eventually ran out of cash before it could ever be released.
Konix? Wrongix, more like. Pwned.
The Multisystem was meant to arrive with a controller that could transform from joypad to steering wheel to joystick - and optional extras including light guns, and that hydraulic chair thing above (as demonstrated by "Jumper Jesus"). We do confess to being more than a little excited when we saw previews in the games mags. Unfortunately, Konix bit off more than it could chew with the Multisystem - and eventually ran out of cash before it could ever be released.
Konix? Wrongix, more like. Pwned.
8. AMSTRAD GX4000
Sir Alan Sugar may be better known these days for pointing at people and looking like a disgruntled walnut, but once upon a time he was a dodgy spiv who sold computers through his Amstrad brand (as everyone knows, Amstrad is short for "I Am Straddling A Gander" - gander-stradling being a popular pastime of Sir Alan, we've imagined).
The terribly-named GX4000 was Sugar's stab at entering the console market - and the pack-in racer Burnin' Rubber promised much (even if it wasn't a game about BDSM friction burns, as we'd hoped). Regrettably, that was about the only game ever released for the thing. It was eventually canned after shifting just 15,000 units. Silly Sugar. Silly sod.
The terribly-named GX4000 was Sugar's stab at entering the console market - and the pack-in racer Burnin' Rubber promised much (even if it wasn't a game about BDSM friction burns, as we'd hoped). Regrettably, that was about the only game ever released for the thing. It was eventually canned after shifting just 15,000 units. Silly Sugar. Silly sod.
7. SEGA VR
Surfing the virtual reality hype wave of the early-90s, Sega was at one point trying to develop a VR headset for its Mega Drive (or "Genesis", if you're a foreign). Which was all well and good, but the Mega Drive wasn't a machine known for its 3D capabilities. When early prototypes reportedly made users feel nauseous, the plug was pulled before the anticipated tsunami of vom'.
Which is a shame, as the unit clearly made wearers look like Cyclops out of the X-Men. If he suffered from elephantiasis of the eyelids.
Which is a shame, as the unit clearly made wearers look like Cyclops out of the X-Men. If he suffered from elephantiasis of the eyelids.
6. NOKIA N-GAGE
Here's an interesting fact (disclaimer: it's not actually interesting): the last official function we ever attended before we stopped doing Digitiser (the first time around anyway) was the launch party for Nokia's ill-fated "Am-I-a-phone-or-a-handheld-games-console?" thing. Despite splashing out on a champagne party in The London Eye, followed by some sort of disco - attended by the actual Lara Croft - the main thing we remember about the do was thinking that the console was never going to take off.
Hilariously, Nokia initially claimed to have shifted 400,000 N-Gages worldwide in its first two weeks on sale, before this was downgraded - following the release of figures published by market research firm Chart-Track - to a slightly less impressive 6,000.
So. Basically. We were right. We've always been right. Eh, Amiga owners - y'big eejits ye?
Hilariously, Nokia initially claimed to have shifted 400,000 N-Gages worldwide in its first two weeks on sale, before this was downgraded - following the release of figures published by market research firm Chart-Track - to a slightly less impressive 6,000.
So. Basically. We were right. We've always been right. Eh, Amiga owners - y'big eejits ye?
5. PHILIPS CD-i
If you could condense boring into a lump of hard plastic, it would look like Philips CD-i - a machine that didn't know whether it was a console, a CD player, some sort of half-baked DVD player thing, or a device for sending children to sleep with tedious edu-tational fluff.
Intriguingly, the format (there were multiple different models of hardware) was the first non-Nintendo system to feature Nintendo characters: the Zelda and Mario franchises appeared as the aforementioned tedious edutainment titles. The perfect gift for the child you hate.
Intriguingly, the format (there were multiple different models of hardware) was the first non-Nintendo system to feature Nintendo characters: the Zelda and Mario franchises appeared as the aforementioned tedious edutainment titles. The perfect gift for the child you hate.
4. SEGA 32X
If the Mega-CD was the first hint that Sega was losing the plot, the 32X confirmed that it had full-blown "brain-wrongby". An add-on too far, the 32X sat atop the Mega Drive like a horrible fungal growth, and offered access to a scant handful of semi-decent 3D games (Star Wars Arcade was the stand-out). Unfortunately, it felt like a belated attempt at prolonging the life of the Mega Drive - like rinsing a used rubber johnny under the tap.
Another interesting fact (again; this isn't interesting): the one exclusive news story Digitiser ever managed to break was something to do with the launch of the 32X, that we overheard in the foyer of Sega Europe HQ. Sega's PR guy was baffled as to our source, but perhaps not as baffled as he must have been when he opened the notebook on his desk later that week, to find a penis drawn on one of the pages. We'll solve that mystery for you now: it was us.
Another interesting fact (again; this isn't interesting): the one exclusive news story Digitiser ever managed to break was something to do with the launch of the 32X, that we overheard in the foyer of Sega Europe HQ. Sega's PR guy was baffled as to our source, but perhaps not as baffled as he must have been when he opened the notebook on his desk later that week, to find a penis drawn on one of the pages. We'll solve that mystery for you now: it was us.
3. NINTENDO VIRTUAL BOY
Probably the stupidest design for a console ever, the Virtual Boy never made it as far as Europe. Despite a handful of typically playable Nintendo games, the absurd concept - basically one of those old Viewmaster toys, with a joypad and tripod attached - somehow failed to ignite the imaginations of the gaming audience.
No doubt, it didn't help that players had to hunch over a dining table in order to use the thing, meaning that long-term play led to curvature of the spine, probably.
No doubt, it didn't help that players had to hunch over a dining table in order to use the thing, meaning that long-term play led to curvature of the spine, probably.
2. ATARI JAGUAR DUO
The last time we cussed the Jaguar in these pages we stoked the ire of a hitherto-forgotten fan base. We can only assume that their loyalty is borne out of some sort of misplaced pity, like feeling sorry for a racing greyhound that brained itself on a fence the second it burst out of the traps.
The unreleased Jaguar Duo was meant to combine the original 64-bit "wet trump" with the even moister honk that was the Jaguar CD. However, like a slow-motion plane crash, Atari's financial woes finally put paid to the Duo - as it did to everything Jaguar-branded.
And, indeed, Atari itself - a company not so much mauled to death by a jaguar, as being asphyxiated by having one fall asleep on its face.
The unreleased Jaguar Duo was meant to combine the original 64-bit "wet trump" with the even moister honk that was the Jaguar CD. However, like a slow-motion plane crash, Atari's financial woes finally put paid to the Duo - as it did to everything Jaguar-branded.
And, indeed, Atari itself - a company not so much mauled to death by a jaguar, as being asphyxiated by having one fall asleep on its face.
1. SNES-CD
The Super NES-CD has a unique place in the history of unreleased game hardware, in that it led directly to the release of the PlayStation. Originally developed in conjunction with Sony, Nintendo eventually switched to a partnership with the aforementioned Philips, following some sort of contractual brouhaha.
It proved to be a foolish move, when the device failed to appear, and Sony ploughed all its work to date on a standalone console of its own - and a brand that continues to give Nintendo brainaches to this day. Oh, Nintendo... it's like that film where the guy accidentally gives birth to Hitler, then goes back in time and murders Hitler... forgetting that HE WAS HITLER ALL ALONG!!!
Note: we may have misremembered that film.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
It proved to be a foolish move, when the device failed to appear, and Sony ploughed all its work to date on a standalone console of its own - and a brand that continues to give Nintendo brainaches to this day. Oh, Nintendo... it's like that film where the guy accidentally gives birth to Hitler, then goes back in time and murders Hitler... forgetting that HE WAS HITLER ALL ALONG!!!
Note: we may have misremembered that film.
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
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