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10 FAILED CONSOLES

26/2/2015

21 Comments

 
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If we listed every console that failed postpartum, or gagged on its own sternum before even hitting the market, this list would be about two, or two-and-a-half, times as long. Which would mean it would take, well, slightly longer to write and... we're not your bloody slaves, so back off.

Nonethelesss, we have cherry-plucked ten of the more notable console failures for your enjoyment. Let The Celebration of Defeat commence!

10. AMIGA CD32
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Seeing the home computer market slithering into a bin before its very eyes, Commodore made a last-gasp, early-90s attempt to look with-it, by repackaging its Amiga to look a bit like a console. 

Not even a depressingly woeful TV commercial - that tried to sell the system on the strength of how many colours could be displayed on screen at any one time (every gamer's priority, even then) - could prevent this cheap-feeling box of acrid cat vomit from having all the staying power of an impotent drifter. Consider it the gaming equivalent of a 38 year-old man rocking up to student night at a university bar while cosplaying as Chun-Li. 

And to think... they all sneered at us when we said the Amiga was dead. Idiots.
9. KONIX MULTISYSTEM
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Konix was known in the 80s as a peripheral manufacturer, so when the company announced it was working on its own console it's little wonder that the thing was a peripheral-laden monstrosity.

The Multisystem was meant to arrive with a controller that could transform from joypad to steering wheel to joystick - and optional extras including light guns, and that hydraulic chair thing above (as demonstrated by "Jumper Jesus"). We do confess to being more than a little excited when we saw previews in the games mags. Unfortunately, Konix bit off more than it could chew with the Multisystem - and eventually ran out of cash before it could ever be released.

Konix? Wrongix, more like. Pwned.
8. AMSTRAD GX4000
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Sir Alan Sugar may be better known these days for pointing at people and looking like a disgruntled walnut, but once upon a time he was a dodgy spiv who sold computers through his Amstrad brand (as everyone knows, Amstrad is short for "I Am Straddling A Gander" - gander-stradling being a popular pastime of Sir Alan, we've imagined). 

The terribly-named GX4000 was Sugar's stab at entering the console market - and the pack-in racer Burnin' Rubber promised much (even if it wasn't a game about BDSM friction burns, as we'd hoped). Regrettably, that was about the only game ever released for the thing. It was eventually canned after shifting just 15,000 units. Silly Sugar. Silly sod.
7. SEGA VR
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Surfing the virtual reality hype wave of the early-90s, Sega was at one point trying to develop a VR headset for its Mega Drive (or "Genesis", if you're a foreign). Which was all well and good, but the Mega Drive wasn't a machine known for its 3D capabilities. When early prototypes reportedly made users feel nauseous, the plug was pulled before the anticipated tsunami of vom'.

Which is a shame, as the unit clearly made wearers look like Cyclops out of the X-Men. If he suffered from elephantiasis of the eyelids.
6. NOKIA N-GAGE
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Here's an interesting fact (disclaimer: it's not actually interesting): the last official function we ever attended before we stopped doing Digitiser (the first time around anyway) was the launch party for Nokia's ill-fated "Am-I-a-phone-or-a-handheld-games-console?" thing. Despite splashing out on a champagne party in The London Eye, followed by some sort of disco - attended by the actual Lara Croft - the main thing we remember about the do was thinking that the console was never going to take off. 

Hilariously, Nokia initially claimed to have shifted 400,000 N-Gages worldwide in its first two weeks on sale, before this was downgraded - following the release of figures published by market research firm Chart-Track - to a slightly less impressive 6,000.

So. Basically. We were right. We've always been right. Eh, Amiga owners - y'big eejits ye?
5. PHILIPS CD-i
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If you could condense boring into a lump of hard plastic, it would look like Philips CD-i - a machine that didn't know whether it was a console, a CD player, some sort of half-baked DVD player thing, or a device for sending children to sleep with tedious edu-tational fluff.

Intriguingly, the format (there were multiple different models of hardware) was the first non-Nintendo system to feature Nintendo characters: the Zelda and Mario franchises appeared as the aforementioned tedious edutainment titles. The perfect gift for the child you hate.
4. SEGA 32X
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If the Mega-CD was the first hint that Sega was losing the plot, the 32X confirmed that it had full-blown "brain-wrongby". An add-on too far, the 32X sat atop the Mega Drive like a horrible fungal growth, and offered access to a scant handful of semi-decent 3D games (Star Wars Arcade was the stand-out). Unfortunately, it felt like a belated attempt at prolonging the life of the Mega Drive - like rinsing a used rubber johnny under the tap. 

Another interesting fact (again; this isn't interesting): the one exclusive news story Digitiser ever managed to break was something to do with the launch of the 32X, that we overheard in the foyer of Sega Europe HQ. Sega's PR guy was baffled as to our source, but perhaps not as baffled as he must have been when he opened the notebook on his desk later that week, to find a penis drawn on one of the pages. We'll solve that mystery for you now: it was us. 
3. NINTENDO VIRTUAL BOY
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Probably the stupidest design for a console ever, the Virtual Boy never made it as far as Europe. Despite a handful of typically playable Nintendo games, the absurd concept - basically one of those old Viewmaster toys, with a joypad and tripod attached - somehow failed to ignite the imaginations of the gaming audience.

No doubt, it didn't help that players had to hunch over a dining table in order to use the thing, meaning that long-term play led to curvature of the spine, probably.
2. ATARI JAGUAR DUO
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The last time we cussed the Jaguar in these pages we stoked the ire of a hitherto-forgotten fan base. We can only assume that their loyalty is borne out of some sort of misplaced pity, like feeling sorry for a racing greyhound that brained itself on a fence the second it burst out of the traps.

The unreleased Jaguar Duo was meant to combine the original 64-bit "wet trump" with the even moister honk that was the Jaguar CD. However, like a slow-motion plane crash, Atari's financial woes finally put paid to the Duo - as it did to everything Jaguar-branded. 

And, indeed, Atari itself - a company not so much mauled to death by a jaguar, as being asphyxiated by having one fall asleep on its face.
1. SNES-CD
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The Super NES-CD has a unique place in the history of unreleased game hardware, in that it led directly to the release of the PlayStation. Originally developed in conjunction with Sony, Nintendo eventually switched to a partnership with the aforementioned Philips, following some sort of contractual brouhaha. 

It proved to be a foolish move, when the device failed to appear, and Sony ploughed all its work to date on a standalone console of its own - and a brand that continues to give Nintendo brainaches to this day. Oh, Nintendo... it's like that film where the guy accidentally gives birth to Hitler, then goes back in time and murders Hitler... forgetting that HE WAS HITLER ALL ALONG!!!

Note: we may have misremembered that film.

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
  • 10 CONSOLE KNOCK-OFFS
  • CONSOLES ARE BORING
21 Comments
kelvingreen link
24/2/2015 11:56:08 am

You'd have thought Commodore would have learned their lesson after they tried the same thing with the C64GS. Silly Commodore.

Surely the greatest tragedy in the world of failed consoles is the Dreamcast. After years of muffing it up, Sega got it right, but the console bombed anyway.

Reply
Superbeast 37
25/2/2015 09:20:49 am

Here here RE the Dreamcast.

The DC's failure was IMO as a result of masterful spoiler marketing by Sony.

Gamers were trying to decide whether it was worth holding out for the PS2 or investing in the DC.

Sony swayed minds with talk of the "emotion engine" with its ability to render "realistic hair and water".

This was in 1999 and it was a good 15 years before that actually became reality when PS4 Tomb Raider did TressFX and as for realistic water - well I'm not sure that's been done on a console yet?

Then you have the infamous bullshots of The Getaway:

http://www.computerandvideogames.com/401232/blog/smells-like-bullshots-9-notoriously-polished-screenshots/?page=5

In reality early PS2 games didn't really seem like a step up over early DC games to me. I have never forgiven Sony and they continued to use bullshots and fake footage for years until it backfired on them and the 360 kicked their backsides.

Still I harbour a grudge over that dirty trick campaign against the DC. Yeah sure it didn't help that Sony had earned a lot of consumer respect with the PS1 where as Sega had stunk up their nest...

Reply
John Whyte
7/7/2015 06:19:11 pm

I agree with most of what you say here with 1 (very) minor issue - PS3 outsold Xbox 360, but it is correct to say that they were blasted before making a comeback.

Also, to be fair by mid-way through the PS2's life-cycle most games were a level above the Dreamcast.

mraaaak
24/2/2015 12:17:39 pm

See also CDTV which was, if I remember correctly, subject to some bewildering PR by getting Dave Lee Travis to talk incessantly about it for a week or so on Radio 1 with accompanying competition to win one of the wretched things.

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Tomleecee
24/2/2015 12:21:52 pm

The Jaguar Apologists are watching, Mr B. We're always watching.

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Old Red
25/2/2015 07:02:24 am

http://www.adventuresinpoortaste.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/AtariJaguar.jpg

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Mr Biffo
26/2/2015 12:16:19 pm

Ssssssss!

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Grk!
26/2/2015 02:07:52 pm

Apologists are the new zealots, or something.

Chinny Hill
24/2/2015 12:33:44 pm

GX4000 has probably the best home version of Pang. Even has proper 2 player mode unlike the SNES version. Also has a decent port of Navy Seals. But the rest ranges from meh to rubbish.

The machine itself is very nicely designed including full RGB SCART connector on the back and inputs for an analogue controller (which was never released).

If it had come out for Xmas 1988 it would have stood a chance. But Amstrad were frigging around with the doomed Sinclair PC200. By the time the GX4000 came out in 1990 Nintendo had a Turtles pack and the Megadrive was out. Stood no chance.

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johnnyorgan
24/2/2015 03:42:13 pm

The AMSTRAD GX4000. Oh my God. How did I forget about this until I seen the pic? Weird flashbacks of Burning Rubber and Pang around my pretend cousin's house for two weeks then it collected dust in his cupboard until it presumably disappeared to Narnia.

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Rivhard Hugues
25/2/2015 02:00:24 am

Oh fuck! pang was THE BEST GAME.
Totally forgot it even existed. i should have my 'gamer' card revoked.
I probably spunked about 2000(maybe?) Francs on the arcade machine while holidaying in france as a yout.

Reply
Frank Chickens
24/2/2015 04:03:34 pm

I bought the N-Gage brand new for £39.99 and it was a great portable gaming device with a range of good games and emulators available for it. Terrible phone and awful to use (remember sidetalking?) but for gaming it was fine.

It was the price and the positioning that did for it (was it a phone? A gaming device? No one at Nokia knew for certain) and the poor reviews finished it off.

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John Whyte
7/7/2015 06:22:14 pm

Obviously the N-Gage was a total failure, but there were some good games on it. In many ways it was a better machine to play games on than modern smartphones, due to the controls.

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Ronald Nizz
25/2/2015 12:07:28 am

God! I'd forgotten all about the amiga rage. Another console that never saw the light of retail was the Hasbro Nemo. Where all the games would come on VHS cassettes, had a numeric controller, and one of it's launch titles would have been Night Trap

Reply
Super Bad Advice
25/2/2015 02:51:13 am

I'd have loved to have been in the meeting at Nokia when they showed it off for the first time.

Designer: "So, you know how every games system ever is in landscape, because it's easier to see stuff and portrait is only best for vertical shooters, and every phone is used with the screen side flat against your head so it doesn't stick out like some sort of cyborg cornish pasty?"

Nokia exec (looking nervous): "Er...yes?"

Designer: "Not the N-Gage!"

Nokia exec: "Bollocks."

Reply
TheManWhoPutsHisFootInIt
25/2/2015 04:12:49 am

Ah, the Amiga CD32. I was at some show at Olympia with my Amiga-apologist friend on the Commodore stand not long before the hardware launch. Besides the turgid software lineup, the controller was woeful too. In fact I declared in earshot of a senior Commodore UK exec: "well this is shit, is it meant to flex like that?" My friend soon realised it was Kieron Sumner, something of a big cheese apparently and we made a hasty exit to one of those vendors selling shareware discs probably. I felt vindicated soon after as the CD32 did even worse than the 3DO(A)...

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Anthony Smith link
25/2/2015 12:02:36 pm

Two interesting (Note: Not actually interesting) stories here.

1) That Amstrad thing, I remember a friend of mine having an Amstrad CPC464+ which took the same cartridges as the GX4000. The only cart he had was Burning Rubber. All I remember of it was that it had a voice that said "Burning Rubber!" on the title screen.

2) When i was working my first job at Toys R Us the NGage was about to launch. We had dedicated 12ft of space and a pod which stopped working the day after it was installed because it wouldn't switch back on after the stores power was turned off at night. They had to send someone around to put a little hole in the display thing so we could hit the power button on it. The boss of the whole of TRU UK came in, a small rat like man called Graham Barker, he was very excited about the NGage and asked me, the guy that was running the multimedia department, if I was excited and thought it would be a success. I told him he had wasted the company's money on it and that the machine was an absolute disaster of a phone and games device after having tried it out for a bit. I got into a lot of trouble for that.

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Chinny Hill
4/3/2015 03:02:13 am

I hate to break it to you but Burnin' Rubber has no speech at all!

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optimark prime
25/2/2015 01:09:59 pm

I bought a 32X recently.

Too slow Mr Biffo! Needed Digitiser2000 to remind me how awful it was before I spent all that money.

Dreamcast was amazing, I agree with the previous comments.

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Mr Biffo
26/2/2015 12:17:02 pm

I loved the Dreamcast, actually. It was a decent machine. Sega's strategy at the time... not so much.

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optimark prime
26/2/2015 03:29:05 pm

Perhaps they should copied Sony and lied about it's capabilities.

Reply



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