Well, hello there, my sweet young buck. What brings you to Swallows Wine Bar? I can't recall seeing you in here before. Do you smoke? If you're fervid, we could nip round the back and share a few cheeky drags. Do you go French? I recently picked up a carton of Gauloise leaf on my way back from the Continent, and I do like to share my shag.
While I roll us something, why don't I divert you with my favourite Zangief cosplayers? You know Zangief - he's the burly swain from the Street Fighter franchise. That's it - reach into my pocket, and pull out my list... My hands are otherwise occupied with getting our gaspers together.
While I roll us something, why don't I divert you with my favourite Zangief cosplayers? You know Zangief - he's the burly swain from the Street Fighter franchise. That's it - reach into my pocket, and pull out my list... My hands are otherwise occupied with getting our gaspers together.
10. POPSICLE ZANGIEF
Cover his head... and the nips, chest hair arrow, and undies make it look like an excited, panting face. Frankly, for a moment there, I thought I was looking in a mirror! But take in the entire tableaux, and it's impossible not to be drawn to those thighs: smooth and utterly hairless, like a couple of brined hams, just waiting to be roasted. And what's that in your mouth, my burly beau? If it's blue sucking you're interested in... <WINK>
9. HIPSTER ZANGIEF
What's all this hullabaloo about bushy beards having particles of faeces in them? If they'd been at the Kensington apartment during one of my weekly soirees, that's hardly news. Still, all those scars, coupled to the hair - it's like he's a self-harming bear: the most transcendental combination of strength and vulnerability. I don't know whether to hug him, or cower from him.
8. WAX MOUSTACHE ZANGIEF
Well colour me intrigued: what are those brown crosses covering his body? It's like he's been pinned to the floor by a rabble of breechless sailors, all of whom were keen to leave a lasting impression with their "chocolate autographs".
7. CONFUSED CHIMP ZANGIEF
Oh, deary me - my taut-faced friend here looks as if he's just passed a plastic water bottle. I wonder what that was doing up there... <WINK>
6. VEETED ZANGIEF
This fellow appears to be moving in mysterious ways, no doubt enjoying the feeling of his freshly-depilated body - all ready to be oiled up for maximum lubrication. How I love the smooth-swish of whiskerless limb against depilated torso - it's a glabrescent symphony in A Major.
5. PRESIDENT ZANGIEF
Cycling shorts and sneakers suggest this stately gentleman is ready for exercise. If he's up for some watersports, I really should invite him to join my friends and I for a few "laps" around the pool.
4. DUCK DYNASTY ZANGIEF
Well now... this old timer has it all going on. His lustrous facial hair is already speckled with silver - so somebody must have beaten me to it. How like me to be bringing up the rear, when confronted with a pair of shaking fists.
3. SHE-ZANGIEF
No.
2. STRAINING ZANGIEF
Gosh. He looks in pain... and it's little wonder, given that his strapping anatomy resembles a condom stuffed with bowling balls. I'm curious about those wrist straps - are they to mop up sweat and other fluids, or are they for tying him down to a headboard? If it's the latter, I'll happily offer an exuberant workout to the facial muscles responsible for that expression...
1. HALF-HEARTED ZANGIEF
My dear, sweet boy - you're trying so hard, but that limp muff of hair on your chest looks as if it has died of shame. Please return to your home, and come back when you've grown up a little.
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