10 COMPLETELY USELESS GAMING ACCESSORIES

We've gone a bit listicle mad this week. But that's probably ok - as you seem to like them. Rest assured, however, those who are list-phobic: we shall only ever continue to "list-up" alongside other stuff. We're not about to go all Bazfeed on your bottoms.

Today? Today's list is a bunch of completely useless and stupid gaming accessories, as designed by giant idiots. Bring on the amusing examples of stupidity!

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10. SURFCHAMP SURFBOARD

When Digi 2000's Mr Biffo was a child, he wanted this game so bad, and he never got it, and that is why he is now a drug addict, and stalks urban farms making weird clacking sounds at goats. However, a consequence of hindsight is that the absurdity of Surfchamp is now exposed for all to see. The game came with a plastic surfboard, that balanced on the ZX Spectrum's rubber keys - and theoretically allowed your hand to "be" the surfer, as depicted in the game. Did it work? Well, dunno. Nobody ever bought it for us. Wisdom says "no".


9. LASER SCOPE

What's funny, is that in many respects the Konami LaserScope predicted the future. Looking at the thing, it resembles a typical gaming headset of the modern era, coupled with Google Glass, and with voice-activated elements that would later work to such wonderful effect in Microsoft's Kinect (that's a real big joke there). Designed to work with any NES light gun game, the reason why the LaserScope makes it into this list is its terrible, over-sensitive microphone. Any noise - coughing, mumbling, a car driving into a tree outside your house - would cause the scope to fire, thus rendering it an impotent exercise in pointless nothingness.


8.  WII SPORTS PACK

It's not just the shelf-warming Wii Sports Pack that this image represents, but any add-on that transforms the Wii controller into another thing. "Transform" might be pushing it though - as we don't think anyone is being fooled by that cheap plastic flyswatter that's supposed to represent a tennis-whacker. Other accessories in this category include bowling balls and American footballs that you slip the controller inside, and - unfortunately - Nintendo's own first-party accessories, the Zapper and the steering wheel. With the latter we couldn't escape feeling like a three year-old sitting in the back of his dad's car, pretending to steer with a paper plate.


7. RAILDRIVER

Ok... here's a confession: part of us would really love this. Like most little boys, we used to find trains cool and exciting, and look at all the buttons and switches and levers and... and... and then we realise that this expensive bit of kit would be used to control what is literally an on-rails driving game. Not even a racing game. We don't even know why there are so many buttons and that. Everyone knows that trains just need two controls: start and stop. Isn't that right, members of the RMT?


6. RESIDENT EVIL 4 CHAINSAW

This probably had to be a joke. They must've known it was rubbish. For a start, it isn't even a functioning chainsaw - if you wanted to murder someone with this thing you'd have to spend an hour beating them repeatedly over the head with it. It doesn't really even function as a game controller either, such is its anti-ergonomic design. However, we could see it being used in a posh tapas restaurant as a sort of alternative serving dish - with the nibbles arranged along the length of the saw blade. The blood might spoil your appetite a bit mind.


5. WII WINGS

If you ever played Wii Fit Plus, you'll know it features a get-fit mini game wherein you have to flap your arms in order to keep an on-screen Icarus-type aloft. Of course, it's rubbish and not remotely realistic... so what you really need for that full-immersion sensory experience is some scrappy bits of plastic to slip onto your hands. She looks happy enough though. But then, she's slim, and we all know that's the only true recipe for happiness in life.


4. U-FORCE

It's a wonder that Microsoft never looked at the history of gaming before ploughing ahead with its stupid Kinect thing. They'd have seen plenty of evidence that hands-free game controls just don't work. And even if they do work, nobody really cares. The NES U-Force was perhaps the earliest example of controller-free control - and simply didn't work. Not least because there's a massive disconnect between the events of an 8-bit, side-on game, and thrusting your fist forward into thin air.


3. PLAYBOAT

It's quite the statement of confidence to release so unwieldy and impressive-looking a peripheral for what is essentially a mini-game. That's a bit like releasing a special psychedelic light harness to wear during, y'know, the trippy hippy bits in Far Cry 4, or something. Designed to be played with the river rafting sections of Kinect Adventures, anyone with children will tell you that the PlayBoat is precisely the sort of thing that would get used once, and then never set up again because of the mess, and stop whining and go and do something you've got a whole room full of toys you don't need to sit around expecting me to entertain you and no you can't watch Nickleodeon all afternoon you can go and do something creative and leave me alone I'm busy drinking my gin.


2. PLAYSTATION MOUSE

Back before console developers had worked out how to make first-person shooters work with a joypad, Sony tried to help out by releasing a special PlayStation mouse. Unfortunately, Sony gone and done something absurd and released a mouse that was cheap, cheerful, and barely-responsive, making the playing of any game with it precisely four times more frustrating than playing with a joypad. We remember trying to play Alien Trilogy with the damn thing, and getting so cross we took it outside and stamped on it.


1. STICK STATION

Nothing says "Arcade action at home!" like a cheap plank of wood. Still - "No Hand Cramps!"... "'Cause The STICK STATION Holds The Joystick For You!". So... who's holding the Stick Station?

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