DIGITISER
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ

10 COMPLETELY USELESS GAMING ACCESSORIES

19/2/2015

7 Comments

 
Picture
We've gone a bit listicle mad this week. But that's probably ok - as you seem to like them. Rest assured, however, those who are list-phobic: we shall only ever continue to "list-up" alongside other stuff. We're not about to go all Bazfeed on your bottoms.

Today? Today's list is a bunch of completely useless and stupid gaming accessories, as designed by giant idiots. Bring on the amusing examples of stupidity!

10. SURFCHAMP SURFBOARD
Picture
When Digi 2000's Mr Biffo was a child, he wanted this game so bad, and he never got it, and that is why he is now a drug addict, and stalks urban farms making weird clacking sounds at goats. However, a consequence of hindsight is that the absurdity of Surfchamp is now exposed for all to see. The game came with a plastic surfboard, that balanced on the ZX Spectrum's rubber keys - and theoretically allowed your hand to "be" the surfer, as depicted in the game. Did it work? Well, dunno. Nobody ever bought it for us. Wisdom says "no".


9. LASER SCOPE
Picture
What's funny, is that in many respects the Konami LaserScope predicted the future. Looking at the thing, it resembles a typical gaming headset of the modern era, coupled with Google Glass, and with voice-activated elements that would later work to such wonderful effect in Microsoft's Kinect (that's a real big joke there). Designed to work with any NES light gun game, the reason why the LaserScope makes it into this list is its terrible, over-sensitive microphone. Any noise - coughing, mumbling, a car driving into a tree outside your house - would cause the scope to fire, thus rendering it an impotent exercise in pointless nothingness.


8.  WII SPORTS PACK
Picture
It's not just the shelf-warming Wii Sports Pack that this image represents, but any add-on that transforms the Wii controller into another thing. "Transform" might be pushing it though - as we don't think anyone is being fooled by that cheap plastic flyswatter that's supposed to represent a tennis-whacker. Other accessories in this category include bowling balls and American footballs that you slip the controller inside, and - unfortunately - Nintendo's own first-party accessories, the Zapper and the steering wheel. With the latter we couldn't escape feeling like a three year-old sitting in the back of his dad's car, pretending to steer with a paper plate.


7. RAILDRIVER
Picture
Ok... here's a confession: part of us would really love this. Like most little boys, we used to find trains cool and exciting, and look at all the buttons and switches and levers and... and... and then we realise that this expensive bit of kit would be used to control what is literally an on-rails driving game. Not even a racing game. We don't even know why there are so many buttons and that. Everyone knows that trains just need two controls: start and stop. Isn't that right, members of the RMT?


6. RESIDENT EVIL 4 CHAINSAW
Picture
This probably had to be a joke. They must've known it was rubbish. For a start, it isn't even a functioning chainsaw - if you wanted to murder someone with this thing you'd have to spend an hour beating them repeatedly over the head with it. It doesn't really even function as a game controller either, such is its anti-ergonomic design. However, we could see it being used in a posh tapas restaurant as a sort of alternative serving dish - with the nibbles arranged along the length of the saw blade. The blood might spoil your appetite a bit mind.


5. WII WINGS
Picture
If you ever played Wii Fit Plus, you'll know it features a get-fit mini game wherein you have to flap your arms in order to keep an on-screen Icarus-type aloft. Of course, it's rubbish and not remotely realistic... so what you really need for that full-immersion sensory experience is some scrappy bits of plastic to slip onto your hands. She looks happy enough though. But then, she's slim, and we all know that's the only true recipe for happiness in life.


4. U-FORCE
Picture
It's a wonder that Microsoft never looked at the history of gaming before ploughing ahead with its stupid Kinect thing. They'd have seen plenty of evidence that hands-free game controls just don't work. And even if they do work, nobody really cares. The NES U-Force was perhaps the earliest example of controller-free control - and simply didn't work. Not least because there's a massive disconnect between the events of an 8-bit, side-on game, and thrusting your fist forward into thin air.


3. PLAYBOAT
Picture
It's quite the statement of confidence to release so unwieldy and impressive-looking a peripheral for what is essentially a mini-game. That's a bit like releasing a special psychedelic light harness to wear during, y'know, the trippy hippy bits in Far Cry 4, or something. Designed to be played with the river rafting sections of Kinect Adventures, anyone with children will tell you that the PlayBoat is precisely the sort of thing that would get used once, and then never set up again because of the mess, and stop whining and go and do something you've got a whole room full of toys you don't need to sit around expecting me to entertain you and no you can't watch Nickleodeon all afternoon you can go and do something creative and leave me alone I'm busy drinking my gin.


2. PLAYSTATION MOUSE
Picture
Back before console developers had worked out how to make first-person shooters work with a joypad, Sony tried to help out by releasing a special PlayStation mouse. Unfortunately, Sony gone and done something absurd and released a mouse that was cheap, cheerful, and barely-responsive, making the playing of any game with it precisely four times more frustrating than playing with a joypad. We remember trying to play Alien Trilogy with the damn thing, and getting so cross we took it outside and stamped on it.


1. STICK STATION
Picture
Nothing says "Arcade action at home!" like a cheap plank of wood. Still - "No Hand Cramps!"... "'Cause The STICK STATION Holds The Joystick For You!". So... who's holding the Stick Station?

FROM THE ARCHIVE:
  • 10 Best Beards In Gaming
  • 10 Horrifying Gaming Cosplayers
  • 10 Things You Can Do With Hololens


7 Comments
Antony adler
19/2/2015 02:26:18 am

Another fantastic article. That playboat may be the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. On the other hand, if I was a 'murican, I might have had enough room not only for it, but also to allow the bleeding kinect to actually work.

Reply
Picston Shottle
19/2/2015 07:35:11 am

Only 'murican's who live in the middle of nowhere get the kind of space needed to have a dinghy in your front room. In LA you get, roughly, a shoebox for all the money in the world. Kind of like in London but with sunshine.

Reply
Rivhard Hugues
19/2/2015 02:27:00 am

No love for this honking great expensive turkey?
http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51G86WRRSYL._SX300_.jpg

I wanted it so bad at the time. Thankfully, i realised it was hundreds of pounds worth of plastic controller to play 1 single game that was a bit poo.

Also, i rather liked the wii zapper. it had a good heft to it.

Reply
kelvingreen link
19/2/2015 02:31:28 am

To be fair the Wii Wheel is quite useful as it can be fiddly to use the Wiimote as a "wheel" without it, depending on the size of your hands.

On the other hand -- ho ho -- that's why most people plugged in a Gamecube controller and used that instead.

Reply
Monsieur Milk
19/2/2015 02:41:25 am

The NES had so many misses, Power Glove (which I owned, used once, it was terrible, but then used it for hours and hours for years pretending to be Robocop as a 7 year old), that robot thing, the Laser Scope... The only good accessory was the light gun and duck hunt.

I love these articles!

Reply
GigerPunk link
19/2/2015 03:36:48 am

I'm genuinely amazed I don't have any of these, although I'm very tempted by the Stick Station, might have to make one of those myself. Down the wood merchants for scaffolding planks, rather than John Lewis though, I feel: http://www.johnlewis.com/jamie-oliver-extra-long-acacia-serving-board/p1413532

Reply
Super Bad Advice
19/2/2015 06:08:21 am

As well as being shit, wasn't the Playstation Mouse part of Sony's feeble wheeze to get the Playstation classified as a PC, and therefore dodge some tax or other on consoles?

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    This section will not be visible in live published website. Below are your current settings:


    Current Number Of Columns are = 2

    Expand Posts Area =

    Gap/Space Between Posts = 12px

    Blog Post Style = card

    Use of custom card colors instead of default colors = 1

    Blog Post Card Background Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Shadow Color = current color

    Blog Post Card Border Color = current color

    Publish the website and visit your blog page to see the results

    Picture
    Support Me on Ko-fi
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    RSS Feed Widget
    Picture

    Picture
    Tweets by @mrbiffo
    Picture
    Follow us on The Facebook

    Picture

    Archives

    December 2022
    May 2022
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    November 2020
    September 2020
    July 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018
    June 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    March 2018
    February 2018
    January 2018
    December 2017
    November 2017
    October 2017
    September 2017
    August 2017
    July 2017
    June 2017
    May 2017
    April 2017
    March 2017
    February 2017
    January 2017
    December 2016
    November 2016
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    June 2016
    May 2016
    April 2016
    March 2016
    February 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014


    RSS Feed

Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.
  • MAIN PAGE
  • Features
  • Videos
  • Game Reviews
  • FAQ