Nostalgia can be a powerful aphrodisiac. How many of us can say we have never attempted to woo a potential suitor by showing them a picture of an old puppet that used to be on telly? It's for this very reason that retrogaming exists - to propagate the human species through the medium of nostalgia.
Indeed, the unquestionable success of Sonic Mania and Sonic Mania Plus has demonstrated that old/new games can breathe fresh life into previously dead franchises, and titillate the nostalgia gland while still doing something new.
But what other dormant franchises could be revived, while still holding onto everything that we all loved first time around? I'll tell you what ones: these 10 ones.
Indeed, the unquestionable success of Sonic Mania and Sonic Mania Plus has demonstrated that old/new games can breathe fresh life into previously dead franchises, and titillate the nostalgia gland while still doing something new.
But what other dormant franchises could be revived, while still holding onto everything that we all loved first time around? I'll tell you what ones: these 10 ones.
ROAD RASH
EA's Road Rash was always a bit try-hard, with its "Ooooh, illegal street racing! We so edgy, and we listen to heavy rock!" vibe, but it was also this: pretty great.
After half a dozen or so games, the series finally ran out of fuel (do you see?) in 2003, with the release Road Rash: Jailbreak for the Game Boy Advance. And yet... it remains a perennial good idea; it's racing... but it's also fighting. You could hit people in the mouth with chains!
Why has it gone away? I don't know. But I do know this: one of the few times I suffered real road rage was after a cyclist called me a "Twat" through my open car window, and I had some satsumas on the passenger seat, and I turned the car around with the full intention of finding him and throwing a satsuma at him... but then I calmed down.
I'm cool!!!!!
After half a dozen or so games, the series finally ran out of fuel (do you see?) in 2003, with the release Road Rash: Jailbreak for the Game Boy Advance. And yet... it remains a perennial good idea; it's racing... but it's also fighting. You could hit people in the mouth with chains!
Why has it gone away? I don't know. But I do know this: one of the few times I suffered real road rage was after a cyclist called me a "Twat" through my open car window, and I had some satsumas on the passenger seat, and I turned the car around with the full intention of finding him and throwing a satsuma at him... but then I calmed down.
I'm cool!!!!!
DESERT STRIKE
Helicopters - more commonly known as "whirlybois" - are like cars that defy all laws of gravity. Nobody knows how they can fly, and yet... somehow they do. They're the perfect video game vehicle, given that they can hover, and spin around on the spot - just like a weird dog!
A controversial release in 1992, given its proximity to the real-life Gulf War, Desert Strike kicked off a franchise which spawned a further four releases: Jungle, Urban, Soviet and Nuclear. The last of these was released in 2000, for the N64.
It was known that EA had been working on a sixth game - Future Strike - which evolved into Future Cop: LAPD. Since then... nothing. Bring this back, yeah? We're all numbed to the horrors of war now, so it probably wouldn't be contentious. And make sure you keep the isometric graphics.
A controversial release in 1992, given its proximity to the real-life Gulf War, Desert Strike kicked off a franchise which spawned a further four releases: Jungle, Urban, Soviet and Nuclear. The last of these was released in 2000, for the N64.
It was known that EA had been working on a sixth game - Future Strike - which evolved into Future Cop: LAPD. Since then... nothing. Bring this back, yeah? We're all numbed to the horrors of war now, so it probably wouldn't be contentious. And make sure you keep the isometric graphics.
TIMESPLITTERS
Three games strong, the Timesplitters franchise was due to get a fourth instalment... but it has yet to materialise, and all signs suggest it never will.
Developed by breakaway members of the team responsible for the groundbreaking Goldeneye on the N64 (hasn't aged well, mind), Timesplitters' stylised shooting wasn't to everyone's taste. Still, surely a more realistic, time-travelling, shooter could work?
Think about it; each level set during a different era, but without the ugly visuals, and a slightly more considered style of play? Basically, do a Wolfenstein, but make sure you don't do a Wolfenstein 2, and pad out the game with hours and hours of being lost in a submarine, making meaningless small-talk with boring NPCs.
Developed by breakaway members of the team responsible for the groundbreaking Goldeneye on the N64 (hasn't aged well, mind), Timesplitters' stylised shooting wasn't to everyone's taste. Still, surely a more realistic, time-travelling, shooter could work?
Think about it; each level set during a different era, but without the ugly visuals, and a slightly more considered style of play? Basically, do a Wolfenstein, but make sure you don't do a Wolfenstein 2, and pad out the game with hours and hours of being lost in a submarine, making meaningless small-talk with boring NPCs.
BURNOUT
Though I learned to drive 16 or so years ago, the thrill of it has never quite gone away. In that time, I've had a few "prangs" in the car, mostly through my own inability to avoid bollards. Get this: when we went to visit the potential studio for Digitiser The Show, I even slightly scraped the front of a car that was jutting halfway out of its parking space.
I had a quick look out of my window, and saw that I hadn't marked the car, but that didn't stop some busybody van driver telling me to leave a note, and not believing there hadn't been any damage. I told him that the damaged he'd spotted was just some dirt - which I proceeded to rub off with a tissue. He still told me to leave a note, and that if I didn't he was going to tell the owner of the car.
I was so livid that it's probably just as well I didn't have any satsumas on me.
Anyway. What were we meant to be talking about? Oh yes: Burnout. The best racing game series ever? Potentially. Why? Because of the "prangs".
And yet there hasn't been a full Burnout game since Paradise - 10 years ago - despite everyone who ever played a Burnout game wanting a new one. It seems like a guaranteed money-maker. You know: like yo mama's butt!!!!!
LOL.
I had a quick look out of my window, and saw that I hadn't marked the car, but that didn't stop some busybody van driver telling me to leave a note, and not believing there hadn't been any damage. I told him that the damaged he'd spotted was just some dirt - which I proceeded to rub off with a tissue. He still told me to leave a note, and that if I didn't he was going to tell the owner of the car.
I was so livid that it's probably just as well I didn't have any satsumas on me.
Anyway. What were we meant to be talking about? Oh yes: Burnout. The best racing game series ever? Potentially. Why? Because of the "prangs".
And yet there hasn't been a full Burnout game since Paradise - 10 years ago - despite everyone who ever played a Burnout game wanting a new one. It seems like a guaranteed money-maker. You know: like yo mama's butt!!!!!
LOL.
COMMAND & CONQUER
It's hard to overstate just how popular the sprawling Command & Conquer series was, until EA ballsed it up with an ill-advised, free-to-play, browser-based, experiment.
Yes, real-time strategy has fallen out of fashion - along with jorts, Yo mama jokes, and cultural appropriation - and there is a new C&C game apparently in the works for phones, but... nobody wants that. They want this: a proper, brand new, Command & Conquer. Preferably for the Switch. Also: keep the 3D graphics to a minimum, yes? They always just made it harder to play FFS.
Yes, real-time strategy has fallen out of fashion - along with jorts, Yo mama jokes, and cultural appropriation - and there is a new C&C game apparently in the works for phones, but... nobody wants that. They want this: a proper, brand new, Command & Conquer. Preferably for the Switch. Also: keep the 3D graphics to a minimum, yes? They always just made it harder to play FFS.
JAK & DAXTER
One of my most harrowing gaming experiences relates to Jak & Daxter 2. I'd almost completed the game, and then my daughter wiped my memory card so that she could save her Digimon, or something.
Which, frankly, more than makes up for the time I played that joke on her where you get a carrot and pretend to take a goldfish out of the tank and eat it, except that I only had tinned carrots, and instead of eating it I threw it against the wall and it splattered everywhere, and she got all hysterical and that.
Three games, and a spin-off racer, strong, the Jak & Daxter franchise showed just how well an open world game could work, while its cartoonish graphics belied a deep, challenging, and addictive experience. Since the release of Jak 3 in 2004, Naughty Dog has focused on its Uncharted and The Last of Us series, which suggests their priority now lays elsewhere, but - for some of us - Jak & Daxter remains the best work they ever did.
Which, frankly, more than makes up for the time I played that joke on her where you get a carrot and pretend to take a goldfish out of the tank and eat it, except that I only had tinned carrots, and instead of eating it I threw it against the wall and it splattered everywhere, and she got all hysterical and that.
Three games, and a spin-off racer, strong, the Jak & Daxter franchise showed just how well an open world game could work, while its cartoonish graphics belied a deep, challenging, and addictive experience. Since the release of Jak 3 in 2004, Naughty Dog has focused on its Uncharted and The Last of Us series, which suggests their priority now lays elsewhere, but - for some of us - Jak & Daxter remains the best work they ever did.
DINO CRISIS
Dinosaurs make no sense. How could things that big ever have existed? No wonder Christian fundamentalists think fossils are evidence of some sort of divine prank. Amen? They should end prayers by saying "We've been punk'd"!!!!!!!!
Basically Resident Evil with dinosaurs, Capcom's Dino Crisis sported three full games, but the series hit a brick wall when Dino Crisis 3 received mixed reviews. That's a real big shame, because the basic idea remains full of potential, and with the Jurassic Park/World movie franchise undergoing something of a renaissance, it's about time video games did dinosaurs properly.
And by "did" I don't mean... y'know.
Basically Resident Evil with dinosaurs, Capcom's Dino Crisis sported three full games, but the series hit a brick wall when Dino Crisis 3 received mixed reviews. That's a real big shame, because the basic idea remains full of potential, and with the Jurassic Park/World movie franchise undergoing something of a renaissance, it's about time video games did dinosaurs properly.
And by "did" I don't mean... y'know.
NO ONE LIVES FOREVER
It is regrettable to note that first-person shoot 'em ups have rather slipped into rut of po-faced seriousness. A new game based upon The Operative: No Lives Forever and its sequel would be the perfect antidote - providing they kept the same blend of kitschy 60s humour and unique gadgets and psychedelic soundtrack.
Also: it boasted a strong female protagonist, which - again - would be a suitable counterpoint to the ongoing pervasiveness of unshaven male game characters. And Lara "The Grunter" Croft.
Also: it boasted a strong female protagonist, which - again - would be a suitable counterpoint to the ongoing pervasiveness of unshaven male game characters. And Lara "The Grunter" Croft.
STREETS OF RAGE
Yeah, c'mon, Sega. Stop being stupid, and look at how well Sonic Mania has done. Surely, surely, after Sonic the Sega franchise everyone is most begging for to return would be Streets of Rage.
Admittedly, the third game in the series wasn't quite as good as the second, but it did have a kangaroo in it, and providing Sega stuck to the original 2D art style, and didn't get any ridiculous 3D ideas, a Streets of Rage Mania would be an massive hit.
And before you all tell me in the comments... yeah I know that Fighting Force started life as a Streets of Rage sequel. That's precisely why I mention the 3D.
Admittedly, the third game in the series wasn't quite as good as the second, but it did have a kangaroo in it, and providing Sega stuck to the original 2D art style, and didn't get any ridiculous 3D ideas, a Streets of Rage Mania would be an massive hit.
And before you all tell me in the comments... yeah I know that Fighting Force started life as a Streets of Rage sequel. That's precisely why I mention the 3D.
HALF-LIFE
The most achingly obvious choice on this list, but it couldn't be left out. Frankly, there are literally no good reasons why there has never been a Half-Life 3.
We know Valve has worked on it. There have been rumours about a Half-Life VR (no thanks). Valve has said it would only ever release "super classic" products, which is fair enough - they clearly suffer from some degree of performance anxiety - but c'mon... all any of us want is more of the same.
Could somebody please slip Gabe Newell a cocktail of beta-blockers and viagra?
Now press reveal to see a satsuma, or "easy peeler".
We know Valve has worked on it. There have been rumours about a Half-Life VR (no thanks). Valve has said it would only ever release "super classic" products, which is fair enough - they clearly suffer from some degree of performance anxiety - but c'mon... all any of us want is more of the same.
Could somebody please slip Gabe Newell a cocktail of beta-blockers and viagra?
Now press reveal to see a satsuma, or "easy peeler".
REVEAL:
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