Going into shops is awful.
First, there's the queuing. Second, there's the social anxiety of having to talk to the people who work in the shop. Third, there's the indignity of having your debit card refused, due to last night's eBay splurge. Fourth, there's every chance you might catch a virus.
If only vending machines could give you anything you needed...
Well - apparently they can. As this gallery of the world's most extreme vending machines attests.
10. PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION
It's bad enough having one of those rude rashes without the little man who works in the chemist knowing you've got one. Envy the people of Arizona, who can get their special ointment from InstyMed vending machines.
9. CRABS
Those of us who are over a certain age will remember when you used to be able to buy live crabs at supermarket checkouts. That's all changed now, after the Nanny State's ruling on impulse purchases. Not so in China, where live crabs are freely available from vending machines. Why would you need a live crab? Why does anybody ever need a live crab?! Duh!
8. CRACK PIPES
Vancouver is one of the most progressive cities on earth, and rather than dismiss addicts as the dregs of society, their vending machines cater to them. An addiction centre in the city's Downtown Eastside has installed this attractive polka-dot crack pipe vending machine. A bargain at only 25 cents each!
7. RHINOCEROS BEETLES
Beetles are disgusting, and small boys are disgusting. Though you can't yet get a small boy from a vending machine, small boys in Japan can buy live rhinoceros beetles from them - to feed their beetle-fighting habits. Though we must say that a fight between a small boy and a beetle seems a trifle mismatched...
6. CHINA
"Don't push too far, Your Dreams are china in your hand," sang Carol Decker of T'Pau.
Ironically, this Swiss machine doesn't actually pay out with china, but it does the next best thing. Dubbed the "Passive Aggressive Anger Release Machine", putting in the correct money tips the china item of your choice over the edge, where it smashes in satisfying fashion, thus dispersing your aggression. So, not only does it push too far, but you won't receive any china in your hand. Now who looks stupid, Decker?
Ironically, this Swiss machine doesn't actually pay out with china, but it does the next best thing. Dubbed the "Passive Aggressive Anger Release Machine", putting in the correct money tips the china item of your choice over the edge, where it smashes in satisfying fashion, thus dispersing your aggression. So, not only does it push too far, but you won't receive any china in your hand. Now who looks stupid, Decker?
5. GOLD
Almost everything in Abu Dhabi is made out of gold - from the streets, to the cars, to the hats - so it's little wonder that the city has installed a number of these Gold to Go ATM machines. Insert your money, and it regurgitates miniature solid gold bars, just the right size for storing in your miniature vault, or sliding up your "parson's nose".
4. BRAS
Leaving home without your bra might be the most embarrassing thing that can happen. We speak from experience when we say that there's no greater pain that tripping over your breasts. In Tokyo you'll never be caught short. So long as you have the correct change - a pair of thrupenny bits - to hand. Do you see?
3. LIVE LOBSTERS
This California lobster-hunting claw game is only one step away from a machine that allows you to shoot your own deer. Pick your lobster, steer the claw over it, and grab. Once it has dropped out of the bottom, either take it home as a pet, hand it to the chef to boil it to death, or just throw it out of a car window for shits and giggles.
2. BOOBS
Sometimes, perverts just need to squeeze a disembodied breast. And in Tokyo, when the perverts get that urge, there's a vending machine just for them.
1. USED CARS
Nashville's Carvana is possibly the largest vending machine in the world. Unfortunately, everything regarding the machine is to scale, and it requires customers to use giant 25 cent coins, which - currently - are not legal tender in the United States. Ha ha. What a funny joke.
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