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10 BIZARRE MAIL ORDER PRODUCTS

24/1/2017

12 Comments

 
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Nowadays, the only thing you can buy via mail order is Russian brides, apparently. Back before American industry all went overseas, and the American landscape became dotted with abandoned factories like tombstones, you could buy almost anything by mail order. And here are ten of those things.
GAHOON
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"What's that noise? It sounds like someone trying to play swing boogie boogie rumba through a flexible straw."

"Oh god. It's Jim, with that instrument of his. The gahoon."

"The what?"

"He calls it a gahoon. Says it plays sweet, plays hot."

"It just sounds like a load of  bad-whistling or humming."

​"Whatever you do don't say that to him. He insists it's a real musical instrument..."
PERUVIAN MASKAP
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"Hey, kids! Let's have a snowball fight...! Wait... why are you running away? Did I forget to put my trousers on again?"
SCUTTLES
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"You're not wearing any underwear - you appear to be completely nude, and yet you have no discernible genitalia. I don't understand..."

"Boy - are you in for a big surprise!" <S-T-R-E-T-C-H!>

"Wow! I never saw that coming, so to speak."

​<SCUTTLES AROUND THE ROOM>
MAN-FROM-MARS RADIO HAT
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"Here it is. Works fine."
MINK KEYHOLE COVER
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"Lads, lads - look. Look I'm putting my key in the door."

"Yeah, alright, Dave. Calm down."

"No look - I'm putting it in. I'm putting it in the hole. In it goes. Out it comes again. In and out. In and out."

"Dave, are you alright?"

"Look at it! Look at the keyhole! Look. At. It."

"What's all that around the hole?"

"It's mink fur alright?! Like - y'know - it's like p-u-b-e-s..."

"So - what - does that, like, stop it icing up?"

"No you dolt! It makes it look like a lady's chuff! Don't you get it? The key represents my... it looks like a chuff, alright? Jesus. I expected a million laughs from this, and I've not even had one yet."
ANTSY PANTS
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"You're the best ideas men this company has, but we're facing a stiff challenge from our competitors. This is why I've gathered you here today to generate the first new idea since the invention of men's shorts. Anyone?"

...

"Anyone at all? Come on - one of you must have an idea!"

"Okay... what about pants, yeah... but with pictures of ants all over them? You know: big red ants. Or blue or brown, if you prefer."

"And what would the customer do in these pants?"

"I dunno. Strut and prance?"

"Brilliant!"
DESTROILET
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"Hi, guys - you made it! Did you find the cottage alright?"

"Got a bit lost on some of the country roads, but we - <SNIFF SNIFF> What's that smell? It's like... it smells like like burning shit."

"Yeah."
FANNY FACE
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"I can't wait to have this photograph of the man who exposed himself to me in the park imprinted on the back of my knickers!"
SNAKES ALIVE BOW TIE
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"That's a lovely bowtie!"

"Why thank you - come in for a closer look..."

"Yes, it's still lovely up clo - OH MY GOD! A SNAKE!"

<PUNCHES MAN IN THROAT>
FROM THE ARCHIVE:
10 MAIL-ORDER ADS FROM THE DAYS BEFORE GAMING
10 VINTAGE COMPUTER ADS
15 HORRIBLE RETRO GAME ADS
10 MORE HORRIBLE GAMES ADS

12 Comments
Bryan
24/1/2017 11:01:10 am

Hahaha you probably got away without putting any comments under those pictures,. I wonder if i can still get some antsy pants or fanny facw, im in needcof a new pair of briefs

Reply
Nick
24/1/2017 11:37:29 am

I wish I was a sensation at parties.

Reply
Funny nerd character
24/1/2017 11:59:16 am

Tip: 'sensation' does not necessarily have inherently positive connotations

Reply
Nick
24/1/2017 12:25:29 pm

Ahhh. Learning this new information has left me with mixed feelings.

King of Duckhenrys
24/1/2017 12:23:59 pm

My dear Mr Biffo, I believe you have a misunderstanding regarding the pants. Take a closer look and you will see no mention of the ants being mere printed representations. No, there is nothing revolutionary about printing ants on underwear - any fool can do that.

What Mister Shorts is offering here is a complete undergarment-based insect colony. These pants make use of the ant's famed territorial nature to provide an effective treatment against pubic lice.

Imagine being crab-free. Wouldn't you want to strut and prance. I know I would.

Reply
Gaijintendo
24/1/2017 01:19:29 pm

Stretch pants has to be for crab free coitus, Shirley? Same reason as the reason Y Fronts exist.

Reply
Merk Chicken
24/1/2017 01:28:08 pm

'Now! It can have FUR around it!' did make me chuckle heartily. I'd like to buy a few of those mini-merkins and spread them around my friend's properties

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Super Bad Advice
24/1/2017 01:33:25 pm

Why does the lady in the Fanny Face advert appear to have a picture of fertility expert Sir Robert Winston? Or is this in fact how his 'treatments' work???

Reply
Scott C
24/1/2017 02:41:03 pm

Great use of "chuff" there, congrats. Also bring back "bint", seen a few of those on't telly recently.

Reply
DEAN
24/1/2017 02:45:30 pm

I really really want a Gahoon!
Never seen or heard one but would love to... Youtube...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hyzvv3SOI8

I don't want one anymore. Cool room, though.

The Destroilet is hilarious!

Reply
Spiney O'Sullivan
24/1/2017 10:18:50 pm

I am so pleased that a product called the Destroilet exists. It sounds like it would have fit into the bad Transformers article.

Reply
John
2/2/2017 01:52:04 pm

"In sizes for men, women, children. Specify." I want more simple instructions like this in consumer world.

Reply



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