Nowadays, the only thing you can buy via mail order is Russian brides, apparently. Back before American industry all went overseas, and the American landscape became dotted with abandoned factories like tombstones, you could buy almost anything by mail order. And here are ten of those things.
GAHOON
"What's that noise? It sounds like someone trying to play swing boogie boogie rumba through a flexible straw."
"Oh god. It's Jim, with that instrument of his. The gahoon."
"The what?"
"He calls it a gahoon. Says it plays sweet, plays hot."
"It just sounds like a load of bad-whistling or humming."
"Whatever you do don't say that to him. He insists it's a real musical instrument..."
"Oh god. It's Jim, with that instrument of his. The gahoon."
"The what?"
"He calls it a gahoon. Says it plays sweet, plays hot."
"It just sounds like a load of bad-whistling or humming."
"Whatever you do don't say that to him. He insists it's a real musical instrument..."
PERUVIAN MASKAP
"Hey, kids! Let's have a snowball fight...! Wait... why are you running away? Did I forget to put my trousers on again?"
SCUTTLES
"You're not wearing any underwear - you appear to be completely nude, and yet you have no discernible genitalia. I don't understand..."
"Boy - are you in for a big surprise!" <S-T-R-E-T-C-H!>
"Wow! I never saw that coming, so to speak."
<SCUTTLES AROUND THE ROOM>
"Boy - are you in for a big surprise!" <S-T-R-E-T-C-H!>
"Wow! I never saw that coming, so to speak."
<SCUTTLES AROUND THE ROOM>
MAN-FROM-MARS RADIO HAT
"Here it is. Works fine."
MINK KEYHOLE COVER
"Lads, lads - look. Look I'm putting my key in the door."
"Yeah, alright, Dave. Calm down."
"No look - I'm putting it in. I'm putting it in the hole. In it goes. Out it comes again. In and out. In and out."
"Dave, are you alright?"
"Look at it! Look at the keyhole! Look. At. It."
"What's all that around the hole?"
"It's mink fur alright?! Like - y'know - it's like p-u-b-e-s..."
"So - what - does that, like, stop it icing up?"
"No you dolt! It makes it look like a lady's chuff! Don't you get it? The key represents my... it looks like a chuff, alright? Jesus. I expected a million laughs from this, and I've not even had one yet."
"Yeah, alright, Dave. Calm down."
"No look - I'm putting it in. I'm putting it in the hole. In it goes. Out it comes again. In and out. In and out."
"Dave, are you alright?"
"Look at it! Look at the keyhole! Look. At. It."
"What's all that around the hole?"
"It's mink fur alright?! Like - y'know - it's like p-u-b-e-s..."
"So - what - does that, like, stop it icing up?"
"No you dolt! It makes it look like a lady's chuff! Don't you get it? The key represents my... it looks like a chuff, alright? Jesus. I expected a million laughs from this, and I've not even had one yet."
ANTSY PANTS
"You're the best ideas men this company has, but we're facing a stiff challenge from our competitors. This is why I've gathered you here today to generate the first new idea since the invention of men's shorts. Anyone?"
...
"Anyone at all? Come on - one of you must have an idea!"
"Okay... what about pants, yeah... but with pictures of ants all over them? You know: big red ants. Or blue or brown, if you prefer."
"And what would the customer do in these pants?"
"I dunno. Strut and prance?"
"Brilliant!"
...
"Anyone at all? Come on - one of you must have an idea!"
"Okay... what about pants, yeah... but with pictures of ants all over them? You know: big red ants. Or blue or brown, if you prefer."
"And what would the customer do in these pants?"
"I dunno. Strut and prance?"
"Brilliant!"
DESTROILET
"Hi, guys - you made it! Did you find the cottage alright?"
"Got a bit lost on some of the country roads, but we - <SNIFF SNIFF> What's that smell? It's like... it smells like like burning shit."
"Yeah."
"Got a bit lost on some of the country roads, but we - <SNIFF SNIFF> What's that smell? It's like... it smells like like burning shit."
"Yeah."
FANNY FACE
"I can't wait to have this photograph of the man who exposed himself to me in the park imprinted on the back of my knickers!"
SNAKES ALIVE BOW TIE
"That's a lovely bowtie!"
"Why thank you - come in for a closer look..."
"Yes, it's still lovely up clo - OH MY GOD! A SNAKE!"
<PUNCHES MAN IN THROAT>
"Why thank you - come in for a closer look..."
"Yes, it's still lovely up clo - OH MY GOD! A SNAKE!"
<PUNCHES MAN IN THROAT>
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