Halloween is here once again, and it's time to bolt your doors and sheathe your windows, to prevent unwanted intrusions from Frankstyne, Draculia, and mothers dressed as cats.
But what of those supernatural horrors that aren't discouraged by unwelcoming homes on the scariest day of the year? What of those white-sheeted guys who can walk through locked doors? Who do we mean? We mean the ghosts, stupid!
Prepare yourself for Halloween with Digitiser2000's 10 Amazing Things You Never Knew About Ghosts.
But what of those supernatural horrors that aren't discouraged by unwelcoming homes on the scariest day of the year? What of those white-sheeted guys who can walk through locked doors? Who do we mean? We mean the ghosts, stupid!
Prepare yourself for Halloween with Digitiser2000's 10 Amazing Things You Never Knew About Ghosts.
10. What happens when mountains die? They turn into clouds! Next time you look up in the sky, don't forget that it's haunted. This is why aeroplanes fly so fast - so that the sky ghosts can't catch up with them.
9. You might think that a shadow is a region where light from a light source is obstructed by an object, such as your body. In fact, shadows are merely the ghosts of your grandmother's secret admirer, who threw himself under a tram when she spurned him following peculiar dance he performed in the grocery aisle of Safeway.
8. You might not realise it, but you are making a ghost inside your body every time you eat something. Those brown things you excrete from your body are in fact the ghosts of your food. Next time you go to the toilet try touching one - your hand will pass right through, if you push hard enough.
7. It's not only living things that become ghosts. In 1982, Wisconsin resident Harpy D'Parrpe claimed she was being haunted by the ghost of her old washing machine. At any given hour, the phantom appliance would vibrate its way through her wall, and make a boisterous toot.
6. The first ever ghost was the ghost of Jesus Christ - known as Da Holy Ghost. Because Jesus died twice, or something, there are actually two ghosts of Jesus roaming the earth - J-Ghost 1 and J-Ghost 2. It's easy to tell them apart, because J-Ghost 2 gives off a powerful smell, and is completely naked apart from a rubber johnny and a cropped t-shirt bearing the slogan "WALLY BOY".
5. The word "GHOST" stands for "Grave Hopping O'spooky Spirit Twat".
4. When people die, they are given a questionnaire to fill out with three options: Heaven, Hell or Ghost. What happens should they later change their minds? They can fill out a form online, and must wait up to 28 days for their request to be processed.
3. Following legislation passed in 2013, it is against the law for any ghost to have a Netflix account. However, this hasn't stopped many ghosts from exploiting a loophole, which allows them to obtain a Netflix account by using an anonymous proxy.
2. Ghosts don't get ill very often - in fact, the only disease known to afflict ghosts is NcRaven's Dilemma. It is an infection of the sheet, similar to chronic fatigue syndrome in humans (also known as "laziness").
1. We know that people turn into ghosts when they die, but what happens when a ghost dies? It turns into a tricycle!
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