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10 ADULT-RATED MOVIES WHICH SPAWNED INAPPROPRIATE TOYLINES FOR KIDS

1/2/2017

39 Comments

 
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Can there be a single person alive on earth - not counting all those countries where they live like pigs and don't even have access to Freeview - who didn't get to see an 18-rated film before they were 18? 

I was 11 when Blade Runner came out, and even though it was a '15' I begged my parents to let me see it, because it had Han Solo in it, and was a sci-fi film, and they got so sick of me moping around the house, and howling in my sleep, that they caved.

For some reason, they decided that dressing me in a red turtleneck would make me look more like a 15 year-old (remember all the teenagers in the early-80s in their red turtlenecks? 'Rednecks' the media called them - 'The Redneck Menace'... No?). Sceptical as I was, it apparently worked, as my father and I made it into the film with no questions asked.

Of course, for an 11 year-old, Blade Runner was deeply disappointing; nothing like Star Wars, and with long, boring conversations about what you'd do if you found a turtle on its back in the street. Rubbish.

And there weren't even any toys out for it, even though it starred Han Solo.

Which seems strange, as almost every other movie of the era - 18-rated or not - had its own range of toys. And here are ten of them.
THE CAR 
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Though never released, The Car Game got close enough to production that print ads were in circulation. Based upon the relatively obscure 1977 movie The Stud (The Car), in which a stud (car) goes on a sex swing (murderous rampage) that was clearly inspired by Steven Spielberg's own sex swing (movie called Duel), the game looked as if it would actually be rather a lot of ants coming out of S.Spielberg's bum (fun).

Basically: position The Car at the top of the ramp, and - if it rolls down on your turn - you lose or win dependent on how much debris is knocked out of its path, or something. Doesn't matter. Still, that's all well and good, but in the movie that debris was usually made out of living, breathing, people, or police cars. Le-pompt! Quelle folie! Le grande brrm brrm boom!

You can't even argue that they were planning to aim the game at adults, given the couple of cackling, pre-pubescent psychopaths in the marketing material.

"Let's squish us some pedestrians, Fanwadd."

"My name isn't Fanwadd. It's 'Mr Document'."

"'Kay."


Inappropriate it may have been, but at no point did The Car Game appear to incorporate the scene in which - according to IMDB's content advisory page - "A boy draws his teacher naked. Her ass is seen but no genitalia or boobs."
ALIEN
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Following the success of its Star Wars toyline, Kenner wanted to keep the merchandise ball rolling with another sci-fi movie tie-in. Unfortunately, the movie it chose was Ridley Scott's bloody and terrifying - and decidedly not-for-children - sci-fi horror Alan Alda (Alien).

I remember seeing the remarkable 18" Alien figure on a high shelf in a local toy shop, and thinking it was kind of cool - even though I didn't really know what it was. Obviously, I hadn't seen the movie at that point - I was eight or nine years old for pity's sake, and it was rated 18.

​Instead, I had to wait until I was 11 or so, and ITV put it on late one night, and my friend Philip recorded it, and we watched it at his house when his parents were out (I would like to speculate that they were swingers).

More baffling than any of that, however, is the hand-cranked Alien Movie Viewer - which featured scenes from the film. The kid on the box looks about seven, and would have been horribly traumatised - if not by the gore ("A man is hit in the head with a fire extinguisher and white substance comes out of him" warns IMDB), then by all the profanity, which IMDB lists as follows:

Around 5 uses of "fuck," 18 of "hell," 11 of "Goddamn," 8 uses each of "shit," "damn" and "oh God," 5 of "son of a bitch," 3 of "bitch" (2 are in the Director's Cut), 2 each of "Jesus," "for Christ's sake," "Jesus Christ," "oh my God" and "God," and 1 use each of "Jesus Christ," "bastard," "ass" and "for God's sake."

​The latter, no doubt, in the following context: "For God's sake - will you please stop swearing?!"
ROBOCOP
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Admittedly, following a peerless beginning, the Robocop franchise became more and more family-friendly - reaching its nadir with the toothless animated TV series. Forgetting everything which made the original ultra-violent movie so beloved, the Ultra Police range of figures went even further into abject pointlessness, introducing characters such as "Wheels Wilson" and "Birdman Barnes". 

Multiple warnings on the IMDB advisory page for the original movie certainly don't hint that it's the sort of movie property that would've ended up as a range of toys "Suitable for ages 4 and up".

​Behold:

  • "A man crashes into a tank full of toxic waste. When he comes out, his skin is melting away. A car then drives into him and he explodes. VERY gruesome, but comically over the top."
  • "A man is shot by a robot with numerous rounds. Close-up of multiple bloody bullet impacts on his chest & back. [He is then shot repeatedly after falling onto a table with multiple impact wounds.] It's EXTREMELY bloody, but absurdly over the top."
  • "Most of the violent sequences described above can be frightening, disturbing, or intense, however it is often comically over the top."
  • "A woman is seen topless in the background of a night club but it only lasts one or two seconds and is very hard to see. You would have to really be looking for it if you wanted to see it. This is very brief and as I already said said not easy to see."
  • "In an early scene you see a topless woman changing in a locker room in the background for just almost a second. This is in the background and it's one of those blink and you miss it kind of things."
  • "We also briefly see two men's buttocks in the shower room."​

​Still, nice ED-209... sorry - ED-260, mind.
RAMBO
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Sylvester Stallone seems like a nice feller, so it seems unfortunate to have to describe him thusly; in his later years, he has come to resemble a rubber Rocky Balboa mask that has been stuffed to bursting with conkers.

Yet another 18-rated movie franchise to become an animated series, Rambo: The Force of Freedom saw the First Blood protagonist - a tortured and traumatised Vietnam War veteran, lest we forget - turn into a champion of liberty, battling the evil S.A.V.A.G.E. (Specialist-Administrators of Vengeance, Anarchy and Global Extortion).

Yes... yes of course; famously, Rambo's enemies were all 'administrators': "You'll never stop us processing the incoming orders through our outsourced processing team, Rambo! We intend to ensure these orders are placed on the system in an accurate and timely manner, making the best gross margin possible!"

Admittedly, this is probably no less far-fetched than the chest-thumping sequels to First Blood (which, according to IMDB not only featured flashbacks to Rambo being tortured, but a scene in which he is stripped naked and hosed-down by police officers: "We can see Rambo's bare buttocks though it's obvious the police have seen everything.")
TOXIC AVENGER
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Though tongue-in-cheek, Troma's Toxic Avenger movies were particularly gory, and fairly free and loose when it came to the female characters' clothing.

And that's not all, according to IMDB:
  • "A young man tongue-kisses and hugs what he believes to be a beautiful girl. When the lights are turned on, it is revealed that he is actually doing these things to a sheep dressed in a womens' bra and lipstick."
  • "A child on a bike is hit by a car, the car then backs over his head, crushing it completely. This scene is very intense and incredibly disturbing."
  • "Numerous sexual jokes, phrases and innuendo, such as 'I wanna make it with you!' and 'Meet my friend Ben - Ben Dover!'"
  • "Leroy has a milkshake blender stuck down his throat."

Lastly - and perhaps most damning of all - the IMDB warns: "The appearance of Toxie may scare some children."

Not to be discouraged, the Toxic Crusaders animated series featured Toxie the Toxic Avenger as the main character, though chickened out when it came to the head-crushing and sheep-tonguing.

Like so many other cartoons of the era, it was clearly hoping to replicate the success of the similarly toxic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (whose animated series was in turn based upon a considerably more grown-up indie comic book), by essentially operating as one long commercial for the associated toyline.
POLICE ACADEMY
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A fairly bawdy comedy for its time, the 1984 Police Academy movie may have seemed even less of an obvious candidate for animated TV series than even Toxic Avenger and Robocop.

IMDB suggests a number of reasons why it was a dubious choice for under-age viewing, including:

  • "A dog humps a man's leg as he is talking the man lifts his leg up and the dog keeps going and its penis starts to come out, he is pulled off and we see it have large genitals and he is horny."
  • "A prostitute performs oral sex on a man that is trying to give a speech."

Nevertheless, after the film series adopted a similarly family-friendly trajectory to the Robocop franchise, an animated series was inevitable. In the words of C.Dickens; 'twas the prevailing trend of the day, to be sure to be sure, to turn rude and violent movies into unthreatening cartoons, begorrah!

Consequently, this led to his action figure interpretations of characters such as Eugene Tackleberry (the innuendo of his name doubtless lost on the Saturday morning TV audience) and Zed, here depicted as a trouserless skateboarder. Who are, of course, the best kind of skateboarder.
TERMINATOR 2
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Certainly, Terminator 2: Judgment Day isn't the most extreme movie on this list - and was apparently designed to be the coolest thing a 12 year-old boy could ever imagine watching. Nevertheless, here are some of its horrors, as offered by the good people of IMDB:

  • An officer is stabbed in the eye by the T-1000.
  • A guard at a mental institute is hit on the face by a broom that was broken in half, blood spurts.
  • A woman's arm transforms into a sword-like weapon and stabs a man through a milk carton and through his mouth. 
  • Two men shoot at each other in a hallway.
  • A 13 year old kid uses fuck in different ways multiple times.

Still. Y'know. Toys.

Kenner - continuing to chase another Star Wars-size hit - went all out, with numerous figures based on the movie. Unfortunately, with only really three or four potential figure-worthy characters (it seems unlikely that anybody would've bought a figure based on Dr Silberman or Todd, John Connor's foster father) they had to settle on that awful practice of releasing many different versions of the same few characters... with increasingly ridiculous action features.

Step forward an oversized version of the T-1000, whose torso flipped open to reveal a big gun (thought they couldn't turn into things with moving parts?), Battle Damage Terminator With Blow Open Chest Action, Power Arm Terminator With Missile Launcher And Grabbing Claw, and Techno-Punch Terminator With Super Smashing Action (press a button and - surprise! - Jim Bowen pops out).

The star addition to the line was the Bio-Flesh Regenerator Playset - a sort of Play Doh Mop Top Barbershop for people who'd like to peel the skin from a naked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
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Freddy Krueger,"The Bastard Son of a Hundred Maniacs", was a serial killer and pervert. Don't take my word for it - just ask the IMDB: "Freddy Krueger is a child molester, but this is not heavily implied."

The fact he became such a beloved cult figure probably tells you all you need to know about America today.

There was little in the way of merchandise for the first film in the franchise, but as sequels were released in what felt like a relentless torrent of diminishing returns, potential licensees couldn't get enough of the claw-gloved marsupial.

Perhaps the most absurd of the Freddy products offered were trading cards and bubble gum. Alright... Krueger was a fictional character, but is it really any different from, I dunno, Walkers releasing a line of crisps inspired by famous 1970s sex pests (Jimmy Savaloy favour, Rolf Harrissole flavour, Stuart Hall N' Wholegrain Oats flavour etc.)?
STARSHIP TROOPERS
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There are two types of people in this world; people who get and love Starship Troopers for the satire it so clearly is... and massive idiots.

It is into this latter category that we can place whoever thought it was a good idea to release toys based upon Paul Verhoeven's mockery of the fetishising of the military, with its ethos that "War makes fascists of us all."

Yes, Starship Troopers was exciting, but wasn't meant to be taken at face face value. And it definitely wasn't meant for children, as IMDB makes clear:

  • "A man has a hole in his head and another man sticks his fingers in the hole."
  • "During the shower scene, a woman slaps a Man's bare butt."
  • "A man chokes a woman with his legs."
  • "A man is recording a video message for his girlfriend, and two characters (A Man and a Woman) pull down their pants exposing their bare buttocks. This is meant to be funny."

Also: did anybody really want their children playing with a toy that looked like bulbous structure at the distal end of the human penis?
CONAN
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Schwarzenegger's breakout role as Conan The Barbarian was intended for adult eyes only, bringing with it scenes of implied bestiality, an orgy, naked slave girls, cannibalism and graphic violence.

Indeed, the film's vices were never more intertwined than in the sex scene involving a witch, which turns violent when she transforms into a demonic creature, and - in the words of IMDB - "is then thrown into a fire only to return as a ghostly ball of light and flies around chaotically."

Also, a crucified man bites a vulture in the neck until it dies.

Suffice to say, you could expect to see none of this in the Conan The Adventurer TV show - which clearly tried to capitalise on the brand awareness of the movie series (rather than, say, Conan's more obscure pulp magazine origins). Albeit about ten years too late.

Clearly hoping for a slice of the rapidly-cooling He-Man pie, Conan The Adventurer was little more than an advert for the accompanying toyline - which included its own skeletal antagonist in the form of Bone-Haha: The Bone-Bellied Boy (Skulkur).
WATCH MR BIFFO, HORSENBURGER & ASHENS DO STUFF - LIVE!!
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39 Comments
Biscuits the funny character
1/2/2017 10:00:11 am

I remember seeing a kid begging his grandma for that flesh-tearing set. She picked up the box and read out 'TEAR OFF THE FLESH? I DO NOT THINK SO!' In a very loud voice, even as an 8 year old I thought it was so as to impress surrounding guardians with her concern

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combat_honey
1/2/2017 10:15:08 am

"Step forward an oversized version of the T-1000, whose torso flipped open to reveal a big gun"

Are you referring to the motorcycle cop T-1000 whose arse could be flipped over his head, revealing it to be a double-barreled rocket launcher? I had this toy as a child, and was a bit disappointed by it because you had to flick the backs of the rockets to fire them, and other than the aforementioned rocket launcher, the only points of articulation were the arms. Now I just think it's hilarious that some Kenner employee came up with such an absurd way of giving the figure an ability that the T-1000 wasn't even supposed to have.

Annoyingly I can't find any pictures of the figure in its full glory with the arse-launcher deployed, but I can find these two pictures of the figure in its normal stance (https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/53/43/d6/5343d6a9af0e29402091d31d1c4f873a.jpg), and a detached arse launcher (http://acimg.auctivacommerce.com/imgdata/0/1/9/3/9/7/webimg/3624176.jpg).

Great article, anyway. It's weird being reminded of just how many franchises I was introduced to via toys rather than through the film they were based on.

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combat_honey
1/2/2017 10:17:39 am

Ah, here we are. The full horror: https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0758/8457/products/148_fcde036a-def6-450a-9c47-47c3fbc9459b_large.JPG?v=1455055630

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Gaffy Guck
1/2/2017 10:35:58 am

Hahahahha surely the fact the rockets emerge from his arse made up for any lack of articulation?

combat_honey
1/2/2017 10:49:03 am

Unfortunately I was quite a serious-minded child, so I didn't really see the funny side. All I felt was vague disappointment and confusion.

Nick
1/2/2017 10:16:13 am

Do you mean BBFC? Have I ruined the joke. Maybe a level to high for me.

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Nick
1/2/2017 10:24:57 am

God damn you second question mark.

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Nick
1/2/2017 10:29:56 am

To(o). Balls to it. A pox on the comments section.
Hubris. You win this round.

Mr Biffo
1/2/2017 10:31:49 am

U OK hun?

Nick
1/2/2017 02:13:16 pm

Yep. Finished sulking.

Anyhoo. Getting up from bed late one night at five years old and walking into the living room as my parents were watching Alien was on is one of my earliest memories. It screamed (must have been when they were hunting it through the vents), I screamed and ran back upstairs to hide in a cupboard.

Terrifying at the time but essential training for playing Alien Isolation.

DEAN
1/2/2017 02:51:50 pm

Nick wrote:
"...parents were watching Alien was on is one of my earliest memories."
[sic]
Not out of the woods yet, Nicholas.

My brother is 10 years older than me and he used to watch all kinds of things that helped warp my young mind.

Jaws - terrified me to the point of being afraid to visit the lavatory - a shark may have managed to find it's way around the U-bend.
The irony of course being that I really needed to 'go'.
I vaguely remember walking barefoot across our garden to fetch a baseball bat from the garage. I don't know...the rest is a blur.

I love sharks now... probably some kind of Stockholm Syndrome... they were the 'doll-eyed' captors in my prison of fear.

Nick
1/2/2017 03:33:10 pm

Crunk, crunk, crunk.

Sound of man banging head against keyboard in the vain hope of producing anything legible.

DEAN
1/2/2017 03:37:43 pm

Nick! STOP!

Not wishing to sound patronising BUT it's all perfectly easily understood. And nobody is judging your ability to type but you.

I'm tempted to say it's a darn shame the ability to edit posts isn't available but then you'd probably have to keep getting up in the night to make sure you got your 'You're' and 'Your's in order.

I feel bad now :O(

Grammar NeoNazi
2/2/2017 09:58:44 am

I'm judging you Nick, just don't go punching me in the face, OK?

Gaffer Tape as rubber cement substitute
1/2/2017 10:20:11 am

This article made me laugh a lot. Bone-Haha the Bone Bellied Boy had me failing to stifle chuckles at my desk

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wunk
1/2/2017 11:39:17 am

Nice article.

Like the picture of old Batesy at the top too. Ben Elton (I know, but he was funny for a while and did Blackadder so foook off) used to do a riff on Bates' dire video warnings that I still say on a regular basis any time a pathetic nanny warning comes up preceding some very tame TV drama...

...."The words motherfucker may be used in this film"

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Rivhard Hugue
1/2/2017 11:42:01 am

You neglected to mention that the Robocop toys also operated like cap guns, enabling you to more accurately re-enact futuristic inner city gun violence with added sound and smell.

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Paul
1/2/2017 12:15:38 pm

I have an “ED-260” and (somewhere back at my parents with a pile of Ghostbuster figures), the RoboCop from the same range. What’s not obvious from the photos are:
a) RoboCop and ED 209 had a cap firing mechanism on them. You could load up those strips of paper caps (the sort toy guns took) and fire them, so they would make a gun fire noise which, in scale, would be about right if you took the original film”s sound effects into consideration.

b) If you are asthmatic, you may well recognise the colours used in the ED 260 figure - the same colours as a Ventolin inhaler. Wheezo-oh!

I had to go to Harrow to buy those. Harrow had a number of comic and model shops - including a very early GamesWorkshop (back in the day when they did games other than just Warhammer). One shop, which was across the road from the cinema, was full of games, models, actions figures. I think that’s where ED and RoboCop came from.

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Paul
1/2/2017 12:17:13 pm

Mr Biffo has just reminded me of Calamity Comics in Harrow. That is where the RoboCop figures came from.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
1/2/2017 12:23:32 pm

This slightly demented line of thinking in toy making is still about today, as evidenced by Assassin's Creed Mega Blox.

Ubisoft are quite open about their efforts to extend the brand to a wider age group (instead of their efforts to actually get the franchise back on track in a meaningful way), completely destroying the argument that violent games aren't specifically marketed to kids. It's like Christmas for Jack Thompson types.

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PeskyFletch
2/2/2017 09:12:39 am

Aye, i was bit taken aback when i went into Toyszzz r uz and saw COD mega blox kits on the shelf. I genuinely don't think Jeffrey would approve, although in his defence he has millions to check. I like to consider myself a libertarian too.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
2/2/2017 08:39:38 pm

At least with COD any time the kids are playing with Mega Blox is time they aren't online shrieking about what they've done with your mother.

Frank Chickens
1/2/2017 12:43:06 pm

Still feel they missed a trick by not releasing a Chucky doll at the time - it would of made for a great Christmas present for the kids.

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RichardM
1/2/2017 12:46:26 pm

"The appearance of Toxie may scare some children." had me awkwardly stifling a laugh, leading to strange looks from co-workers. Must stop reading Digi at work.

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Clive Peppard
1/2/2017 01:19:24 pm

I had so many of the Rambo toys, even had the base!!

its now worth money apparently:

http://www.finalfrontiertoys.com/other-vintage-toys/other-movies-television/other-toy-lines/rambo-savage-headquarters-hq-rambo-misb-c-9-5.html

I played with mine though...

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Frank Chickens
1/2/2017 03:21:53 pm

The reason why it's worth so much money is at the time the toy range was a flop, costing Coleco millions.

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Mrtankthreat
1/2/2017 01:28:58 pm

On the last day of primary school we got to bring in loads of sweets and toys and then the teacher put a film on for us. It was terminator 2. We were also shown dirty dancing in school once but they turned it off when all the abortion stuff started coming up.

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RichardM
1/2/2017 01:47:10 pm

Teacher at school turned off GoldenEye at the bit where he chucks Xenia around in the Turkish bath and burns her arse on the hot vent. Teachers, man.

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Denzel you bladdy plonkaaahh
1/2/2017 02:15:26 pm

I was scarred by Friday the 13th part 8 (revisited-it's shit) because they showed it on the big screen in Butlins bar at 2.00pm

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Acid_Arrow
2/2/2017 03:53:35 pm

At our primary school we mainly had those old "Children's Film Foundation" ones at the end of term shown on a projector (yes I am that old). To summarise, they generally consisted of gangs of children in flares running around fields and sometimes in woods, their gang name would often be the name of the film.

I remember seeing about 30 seconds of Nightmare on Elm Street when I was about 12, not even any violent bit but because of how it was described to me by my less-scared friends I couldn't sleep for weeks.

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Andy
1/2/2017 04:13:45 pm

I REALLY ENJOYED THIS ARTICLE, THAT'S WHY THIS IS TYPED IN ROBO-CAPS(TM).

I also remember Starsky and Hutch toys which I really wanted despite the TV show being several hours after bed time so I had no idea how awesome the jumpers were.

We all watched Alien on off TV video without parental guidance and marvelled at the chestbusting scene. The 80s were a different time for parental supervision :D

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eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! link
1/2/2017 04:41:32 pm

Ohhh! - you just reminded me that my mum knitted me a Starsky wrap over cardigan jacket thingie. It was green and purple (lovely). I'm not sure how I was allowed to watch Starsky and Hutch at that age though. Never had any of the toys, Had to stare wistfully at other peoples :( Probably a good thing I didnt know anyone with the Freddy Kreuger one - I managed to have an intense nightmare about him just by hearing the film being discussed. I was so terrified when I woke up I had to check my back in the bathroom mirror to confirm that he had not actually sunk his claws into my kidneys. Still havent seen it, so Ive no idea if he does that.

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Spiney O'Sullivan
1/2/2017 11:45:58 pm

I was the same way when I was younger. Then I bothered bothered to watch some of it. Freddy is scarier as a concept than he is on film. Something about a wise-cracking serial killed just takes the fear out of it.

Scott C
1/2/2017 07:07:46 pm

Not only 18-rated movies had this problem in relation to toy tie ins: Remember this? http://www.methodshop.com/2003/12/harry-potter-broomstick.shtml

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Kelvin Green link
1/2/2017 07:31:54 pm

I remember watching An American Werewolf in London at the age of three or four. I managed to make it through up until the Nazi werewolf dream sequence, which terrified me enough to avoid the film for about ten years. A shame, as it's quite good.

Aliens also got a toy line, a vague Action Force/GI Joe type of thing with variant aliens. NECA is releasing a set of modernised versions of them some time this year.

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Starbuck
1/2/2017 09:48:02 pm

Horrible flashbacks to watching American Werewolf over dinner with my nan and grandad. The sex cinema scene was the most embarrassing moment of my life.

PS Loved the Robocop IMDB commenter desperately annoyed at the lack of easy nudovision scenes.

PPS Don't remember the scene of a dog being pulled off in Police Academy. That's the sort of thing that'd stay with me!

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PeskyFletch
2/2/2017 08:48:27 am

How exactly does chainsaw arrest perps?

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DEAN
2/2/2017 04:18:55 pm

I'd hazard a guess that he himself is a perp.
Could be a goodie... remember that movie Summer Camp? I'm Chainsaw, he's Dave and we'll see you at the movies!

You mean like a citizen's arrest? I'd even hazard another that he's too sociopathic to bother. Chainsaw is only motivated by urban landscaping and watching the World burn.

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Alec
4/2/2017 07:49:14 pm

I got the Bio-Flesh Regenerator Playset for Christmas and my most vivid memory is of incorrectly disposing of the pink gunk, by just pouring it down the kitchen sink and causing a massive blockage in the pipe.

Reply



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