I've never worked in marketing, and - having never had a cocaine habit - nor would I want to.

Nevertheless, I'm pretty sure I could do a better job at selling products than the po-faced, Oooh-I'm-all-grown-up, tedium that passes for video game advertising these days. 

Still, as dull as most game ads are these, they're nothing next to the kaleidoscopic cascade of hyperactive juvenilia which appeared in games mags 20-odd years ago.

Certainly, if I was ever fortunate to own a time machine, I'd travel back to the 90s and make a small fortune doing a better job than the cack-brained idiots who were doing the ads back then. 

Here are some examples of what I'm talking about. 

Appropriately for a video about the failed ZX Spectrum Vega+ handheld, our attempts to talk about it are derailed entirely by the unexpected appearance of a certain furious pig...

​Featuring Mr Biffo, Paul Gannon, Octav1us and Larry Bundy Jr.

A short while back, I put together an article looking at some of Sony's more blatant attempts to shock and bewilder with its various PlayStation ad campaigns.

Since then, I have become aware that if you search for random stock images, slap a logo on the bottom, and slightly turn down the saturation, the end result is virtually indistinguishable from any of Sony's wilfully obscure efforts.

Here are some examples of what I'm talking about.

Yesterday, we discussed why our beloved European Super Nintendo was infinitely superior to the American Super Nintendo.

Today we shall investigate the two different names for Sega's 16-bit console - known as the Mega Drive or Genesis, depending upon which side of the Atlantic you squatted.

Why did the Mega Drive - the name it launched with in Japan in 1989 - get called something different when it came out in the US, despite Mega Drive clearly being one of the best names for a games console that anybody has ever been arsed to think of?

It was all down to trademark. In America, Mega Drive Systems Inc - a manufacturer of computer storage solutions - already had the name Mega Drive in their pocket. Thus, they went for Genesis, as a way of suggesting that the console would mark the real dawn of home video gaming.

Admittedly, Genesis isn't the worst name in the world, but it already had other associations, dependent on whether you were a creationist or a prog rock fan - neither of which were cool or edgy.

But which was better? SPOILER: It was "Mega Drive", obviously.

​And here's why. 

Usually when I'm asked for my favourite console of all time, I say the Super Nintendo.

It boasts a catalogue of games that is hard to argue against, they still look great after al these years, and Nintendo didn't ruin everything with loads of unecessary add-ons. Indeed, when the company decided that SNES games needed a bit more oomph, they put extra hardware inside the cartridges.

It's not just about the games though. Part of the reason I still love the SNES is because of the SNES itself; it's the most aesthetically-pleasing console ever. It felt nice to hold, to touch, and to look at. You could take the cartridges to bed with you without worrying you'd slice your eyelids open in the night. 

Sure, living in the UK meant that the games weren't as fast, and they had black borders, but if we're talking the cosmetic appeal of the host hardware... we won that battle hands-down.

And here's why.

Do you ever feel like you're not entirely the same as everyone else, that the world is depraved and full of weird perverts? I know we're not supposed to kinkshame, but if you've ever had the gross misfortune to stumble upon the world of fan fiction you'll have been exposed to some of the darker, more messed-up, elements of humanity. And, well, I don't care what you say; some of that stuff just ain't normal. 

Nowhere is this more evident than the troublingly popular sub-genre of erotic Sonic The Hedgehog fan creations. Here's a brief sampling of the weirder, more awful, examples of amateur storytelling featuring the asexual hedgehog. 

Please be aware... this gets rather NSFW. 

For one night only, Digitiser The Show will be coming to you live - on stage! An evening of comedy, gaming, and utter nonsense, full of games, skits, special guests,and old hardware, you'll not want to miss it. And if you do miss it - you'll kick yourself... IN THE FACE.

This extravaganza will take place on Saturday 20th of July at 7pm(doors open at 6.30pm prompt), at the Elliott Hall, Harrow Arts Centre, Hatch End, Harrow, HA5 4EA www.harrowartscentre.com

Spaces are strictly limited!

CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS. 

Every story has a beginning...

Do you remember when the first trailer for The Phantom Menace came out, and we all got really excited about that srapline, and then Darth Vader turned out to be a annoying little kid with a bowl haircut who couldn't act, and said stuff like "Mom, you said that the biggest problem in the universe is no one helps each other"? 

​Yeah, that was disappointing wasn't it? Not least given that in the very next film he murdered some indigenous children, and then some more kids in the film after that, and then choked his wife.

That's literally like doing a sequel to, I dunno, Pinocchio where a grown-up Pinocchio deliberately tells a lie so that his nose shoots through the eye socket of a Somalian orphan, and then another sequel where he bites his wife's thumb off and sends cuttings of his pubic hair to celebrities.

But anyway. It's not just intergalactic, child-murdering, super villains who had a less-than-venerable origin story. Here are ten huge games companies, and the games they started with. 

Biffo, Gannon and Larry Bundy Jr get stuck into everything they hate about the way video games are often depicted on the big screen. And then deviate, inevitably, into discussions about theme parks and dinosaurs.

Bosses, eh? What's that Peter Principle thing they say about bosses? That everyone is promoted to their level of incompetence, so that - in time - every position in an organisation will be occupied by somebody who is too incompetent to fulfil the role?

I sort of get it.

But also... it's one of those concepts I have an issue with. I think it's only partially true. I mean, I've had plenty of bad bosses, who seemed completely out of their depth, but also some good bosses. Though, also, I suppose, everyone has their own definition of a good and bad boss. Some people need a boss who micromanages. I prefer one who trusts my ability to get something done, hates meetings, and lets me go home at 3pm. 

Back when I had "proper" jobs, I displayed such a wilful lack of ambition, such utter disrespect for authority and disdain for anyone with a thirst for promotion, that I was only once promoted to any sort of management position, more or less by accident. 

I hated it. I hated the responsibility. I hated the sense that I was somehow implicitly better than some people I worked with. I hated having to tell people when they weren't doing their job properly. 

In fact, around that time I had an anxiety dream about disciplining one of the two members of staff I was responsible for, in which I recommended to my line manager that we should "Throw him out by the rear skin flap".

I don't know what that meant, but my sleeping brain found it so funny that I woke myself up by laughing. Which pretty much sums up my entire career.

Anyway, get this: I'm going to look really smart and clever now, because I've realised that The Peter Principle also applies to another type of boss: the video game boss.

Wha... wha... whaaaaaaa?!?

Mini versions of the SNES, NES, Commodore 64 and PlayStation have been hot commodities in recent Christmases - with a Sega Mega Drive/Genesis mini on the way. However, retro gaming collectors aren't too keen on them.

​Fortunately, Biffo and Gannon are here to tell you why every opinion you have about these dinky classic machines is wrong!

The Bitmap Brothers were among the first "rock star" games developers - an image they chose to cultivate, with photographs of them in sunglasses and denim jackets, fannying around next to helicopters.

From 1988 to 2001 they released a string of diverse games - from the arcade shooting of Xenon and Xenon 2 to the futuristic sports of the Speedball series - becoming best known for their distinct visual style... which was all sort chunky and shiny, with no deep blacks... Look, I know that's a terrible description of it, but you try coming up with something better. 

Truthfully... I loved what The Bitmaps' games looked like, but always found them a bit wanting in the gameplay department. They were too tough, too fiddly; often a case of style over substance. Still, you know what people are like; they just want good looking games that have been made by some men in sunglasses who fanny around near helicopters, pretending to be cool.

And here we are in 2019; one of The Bitmaps' most heralded Amiga/ST games - Gods - is back to be reevaluated in the harsh, unflattering, light of the 21st Century.